Space for support and letting stuff out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just carving out a little space for emotional support and consolation.

It was just days ago I was the "woman of his dreams", etc. to... .now a serious divorce threat and silence from him. My head is spinning.

I am feeling pulled in many directions and flooded with memories of our ups and downs over the almost 7 years.

During his long white phase I had more time to think and reflect than usual. I was proud of our successes in staying together after many tough times, but also a bit weary and... .I'm not a total fool. I knew this working out in the long run was a real long shot with his hundreds and hundreds of breakups with me over the years... .I had seen what is probably the best it can be in these last weeks... .In some ways it was enough. In other ways it was lacking. It takes a lot of strength to do these kinds of relationships - that is for sure. I hoped with time I could feel more connected and happy, but I needed more time... .

He always says he loves that I am so balanced, until he doesn't... .until it's like he's trying to electroshock emotions out of me to get up to his highs... .

I hate to "quit", "give up", "leave the movie early"... .I hate breakups. Mine, anyone's. They feel so sad.

I am sad too because he is so sensitive that he could, I am guessing, sense how weary I really am... .but he had no idea how far I had come and how much I wish things would work out. I know that is like expecting a miracle after all I've experienced with him... .but it makes me sad... .when two people love each other and do want each other and they still can't make it work... .it's sad. We were both so sorry for all the mistakes we made, and had so much hope... .but once he started dysregulating his brain was grasping at the darkest places to find any "reason" to end it. I have plenty of reasons, so does he... .but I thought we were past it and looking forward... .but when he dysregulates he digs as far back as he can and makes sure anything once resolved is undone... .it comes out as a mish mash of nonsense. 

I just... .wherever he is now... .I hope he is safe and not suffering. I hope no matter what he knows he is loved. I wish he could see how loving and loyal I am by nature, but... .he broke me with these breakups. It has been so traumatic... .in many ways even worse, even worse than losing my dad to cancer over a 7 year time period as a kid.

I knew better. I thought I was cautious when I picked him. He is so high-functioning, smart, funny, adorable. I misinterpreted every red flag. And I have paid a terrible, terrible price.

I just have to keep reminding myself there is a life after this. One nice thing about aging is your forget more and more and more... .maybe one day the sharp edges will fall away off these painful memories of this love, these years trying to be together and getting tossed out in the garbage over and over, and I can let this all go peacefully and gracefully... .

[pearlsw]

Just carving out a little space for emotional support and consolation.

It was just days ago I was the "woman of his dreams", etc. to... .now a serious divorce threat and silence from him. My head is spinning.

I am feeling pulled in many directions and flooded with memories of our ups and downs over the almost 7 years.

During his long white phase I had more time to think and reflect than usual. I was proud of our successes in staying together after many tough times, but also a bit weary and... .I'm not a total fool. I knew this working out in the long run was a real long shot with his hundreds and hundreds of breakups with me over the years... .I had seen what is probably the best it can be in these last weeks... .In some ways it was enough. In other ways it was lacking. It takes a lot of strength to do these kinds of relationships - that is for sure. I hoped with time I could feel more connected and happy, but I needed more time... .

He always says he loves that I am so balanced, until he doesn't... .until it's like he's trying to electroshock emotions out of me to get up to his highs... .

I hate to "quit", "give up", "leave the movie early"... .I hate breakups. Mine, anyone's. They feel so sad.

I am sad too because he is so sensitive that he could, I am guessing, sense how weary I really am... .but he had no idea how far I had come and how much I wish things would work out. I know that is like expecting a miracle after all I've experienced with him... .but it makes me sad... .when two people love each other and do want each other and they still can't make it work... .it's sad. We were both so sorry for all the mistakes we made, and had so much hope... .but once he started dysregulating his brain was grasping at the darkest places to find any "reason" to end it. I have plenty of reasons, so does he... .but I thought we were past it and looking forward... .but when he dysregulates he digs as far back as he can and makes sure anything once resolved is undone... .it comes out as a mish mash of nonsense. 

I just... .wherever he is now... .I hope he is safe and not suffering. I hope no matter what he knows he is loved. I wish he could see how loving and loyal I am by nature, but... .he broke me with these breakups. It has been so traumatic... .in many ways even worse, even worse than losing my dad to cancer over a 7 year time period as a kid.

I knew better. I thought I was cautious when I picked him. He is so high-functioning, smart, funny, adorable. I misinterpreted every red flag. And I have paid a terrible, terrible price.

I just have to keep reminding myself there is a life after this. One nice thing about aging is your forget more and more and more... .maybe one day the sharp edges will fall away off these painful memories of this love, these years trying to be together and getting tossed out in the garbage over and over, and I can let this all go peacefully and gracefully... .

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry, pearlsw.   
You did your best and stuck with him time and time again.
That intermittent reinforcement gives hope, only to end in disappointment over and over.

I know that cautious assessment in the beginning. I waited two years after he proposed to marry my pwBPD. I saw some red flags too, but don’t we all have them? I’m an unusual person too, so I just chalked it up as nothing important. He seemed to fit all my important criteria, so the rest I swept under the rug. It took a while for the BPD symptoms to become obvious and when they did, “What have I done?” Our lives were so intertwined at that point and I thought it was just a peculiar reaction to stress or drinking too much.

You see their wonderful side and it just seems incomprehensible that they’d have a “Mr. Hyde” part too. But so they do. And the “reality” is that they’re both parts, no matter how much we don’t want to believe that, even though we know it to be true. So sad and unfortunate. I wish I could do something to help you with the grief. It’s just so unfair.

[pearlsw]

Hi Cat Familiar, What a sweet reply! I wasn't expecting anyone to reply so soon! I was always over on Improving! hhahaaha. Ah, this is a nice place to be too! Your words helped me with my grief! They made me smile and feel good and comforted. It has been such a lonely day. Thanks you so much for sharing about yourself. It really makes me feel less alone. I am so glad for this space. I can't even remember how I managed before I met the community here and realized I wasn't the only person experiencing these kinds of things in a relationship.   So glad for everyone here... .if this goes full/forever break up this might be the first break up in my life where I don't feel totally wrecked thanks to everyone here.

[patientandclear]

I knew better. I thought I was cautious when I picked him. He is so high-functioning, smart, funny, adorable. I misinterpreted every red flag. And I have paid a terrible, terrible price.

Totally identify with this.  It really does take a toll no matter how good your skills and how good your intentions.  This stuff does damage.

[pearlsw]

Hi patientandclear, Thank you for echoing those thoughts! It is hard to admit what this has done to me, but it has really affected me a lot. In some ways for the better, in others it has really dragged me down. Thanks for your support here. What did you do about it if I may ask? Are you still in such a relationship? I am sure I will recover one day from all this, but it will take a lot of time.

[pearlsw]

Not doing so well today. My appetite is gone. I had to call hotlines twice today for some human contact. It is exhausting to explain my life situation, but... .at least I can hear my own voice speaking my truth.

I think I will have to call the hotline again later. I just did an online language lesson so that was... .the most I've been able to concentrate. My teeth hurt from the stress. At least it is sunny today.

Reminding myself not to panic over this. Whatever happens I must just take it as it comes. I had a few tears today. I... .feel so sad for him that he is suffering/dysregulating. It is so hard to watch someone go from such a high to such a low so fast. I feel mad at the person enabling him in this.

What nice can I find in the day... .? The sunshine. There is so much sunshine.

[Notwendy]

Keep the human contact- it helps- call the hotlines, post, anything to stay in contact with another person.

Self care is helpful. What can you do that is nice for you? Can you go out for tea somewhere? Is there a cafe or place in your country where a woman can have a nice treat on her own- buy an ice cream and sit in a park? Maybe a playground where there are other women and children?

You say you live near a retirement center? Sometimes a focus on someone else helps. Is there an elderly person who might like a visit?

Do something nice for you. Anything. Eat breakfast on your nice dishes. Put a pretty tablecloth on the table. Think of ways you can make your world special for you. Take a bath with some nice bath salts. You've been so focused on loving him. Give some to you too!

[pearlsw]

Hi Notwendy, You are so sweet. I noticed it is already noon and I have forgotten what food is so I am gonna walk into the kitchen and at least look at the food. That is the first step. Ah, I wish there was a retirement place here where I could go visit, I only know ones back in the states. I think I would just irritate old folks here, if I found them, because I don't speak their dialect. Eating will be the first step. A shower if also probably in order. Maybe some vacuming. None of that sounds as delightful as what you described though! I should dream a little bigger! Thanks for the inspiration!

[Notwendy]

I don't know what country you are in ( and don't say it- for your own safety -in case your H reads this board) but I think every culture must have some social outlet for women in some way- a religious group for women, parks and playgrounds where mothers take children to play, classes at a school- something. You may be leaving in a week or there for the long run. For now- where can one go for human contact? Even sitting at a cafe among other people is contact- and better than being alone in the house 24/7. Museums? library? House of worship? It doesn't have to even be your own to just sit there and listen. ( if it is large enough that you don't stand out). I know that I can get into a rut, dealing with just issues at hand, and not realize what is in my own community. I hope you can get out of the house for a bit.

[pearlsw]

Hi Notwendy, Thank you very much. You are right, but I am not sure I have the strength. Just eating a smoothie now was a big effort for me. I am near a lake and near a mall (about a 20 min. walk each way) but I feel like I want to cry and I have a headache... .I think I waited too long to eat... .maybe it will ease up. I know he won't call, but I feel like sitting here by the phone I am willing him to. It's all nonsense at this point... .My own ability to reason. It might be easier to just see people exercising at the lake... .I think if I see moms and kids and families I will just feel more forlorn. I will pick a time and see if I can get the bike out and do a short, flat ride. I... .he can be so difficult, but I sure miss him. I am sad that I can't see what the future is out ahead of me. Breakup cycles like this feel like my life is cut short... .I remember when I could cast my thoughts out farther ahead but now I can only see as far as his cycles. I want to think this will be like all the last ones - not a real breakup, but what if it is? It is so painful.

[pearlsw]

Decided to watch comedy videos for a bit to see if that works today. Usually works. (fingers crossed)

[Notwendy]

For a long time, the idea of co-dependency escaped me. I have always been an independent minded person. I felt I was on my own emotionally from an early age as my parents had their own marital issues. I went to college, had jobs, could live on my own.

I also haven't had much experience with alcohol. I do drink an occasional glass of wine, but I don't get "drunk" and have had one real hangover- the day after my 21 birthday when my friends took me out and I didn't know any better- what the day after would feel like.

So when a T sent me to 12 step groups I was thinking "what the heck would these have to do with me"?

They kept speaking about "emotional sobriety" and "emotional hangovers". I listened to people speak about their addictions and then co-dependency as an addiction- an addiction to people. Then addictions to emotional drama.

Then I had a light bulb moment. For years, I would wake up after an argument or issue with my H feeling like utter hell. I had no energy, didn't want to eat, didn't want to do anything. I would have constant thoughts and worries. These crazy times - the ups and downs- affected me like this. Ironically, my H felt fine, he had projected all this emotional stuff out and I felt terrible.

I thought to myself- I feel like I have a hangover, and I haven't drunk anything. Then it dawned on me. The relationship mimicked a drug or alcohol for me. The ups the downs and the person running the emotional show was my H and his feelings. My feelings depended on his moods. If he was in a good mood, I felt happy. If he was in a bad mood I felt bad. Then the concept co-dependency became clear. It was my feelings being dependent on someone else's feelings.

I needed to get "emotionally sober".

It took a lot of work. I didn't get divorce threats- we have children so he knew better. What did happen was circular arguments, rages, and the silent treatment. I had to learn to not get into them, just like an alcoholic has to learn to avoid drinks at a party, even if they are right in front of them.

One day my H woke up and gave me the ST. I knew that I would be in for a day of misery. I forced myself to get up, dressed and go out. He was stunned. Ordinarily I would spend the day trying to "make nice" - oh please honey talk to me, make a nice dinner, or be all sad and remorse and feel it was my job to make it better. But at this point I was not going to join the drama- I knew it was bad for me. So, I did some self care- went to a bookstore, bought some tea, and read the rest of the day. Yes it was hard to concentrate- my thoughts were all over the place. When I got home he was angry, but I was OK. I had had a nice day. I didn't wake up feeling terrible. I had taken a first step to realizing that - he can have his own moods, and I can have mine. I don't have to have a bad mood just because he is having one.

Pearl, if I had a wish for you it would be to get dressed, go to the lake, the mall, buy a cup of tea and not sit by the phone. It will be hard for you at first, and it won't all go away at once, but you may find yourself having a few moments of happiness for yourself- watching people, looking in shops, drinking tea and realize he can be feeling whatever he is feeling- and you can still have some happiness. Sitting by the phone won't change him.

[pearlsw]

Hi Notwendy,

Thank you! It was interesting to read your story. I would say I am bit different than this, but I found it so fascinating to read and learn from this background.   It is interesting how we all make sense of ourselves. I have been hearing of co-dependency since college in the late 80's and I never related to the description, though I have watched the term become popularized since then and spread beyond the addiction community. I know a lot of people apply the term widely and it is meaningful for them and that is super, but for me it never made sense really. 

He is really the only person I know here. It is just me and a t.v. and the hotlines for now till I see my students later in the week. I am so weak from not eating I don't know what that will feel like... .I can't think that far ahead really.

I was with my first boyfriend for 8 years. When I chose to break up with him because I no longer saw a possible future (we actually got along quite well - I just wanted a bit more in life) it took me 3 years to recover. Breakups trigger trauma for me - the loss of my father at a young age. His death was not sudden. I knew it would happen, but you are never prepared for that profound of a loss. I am used to relationships with nons where you discuss breakups and ease your way out of relationships gradually with kindness, fairness, planning, regular stuff. I am not a drama person. I didn't look for it or want it or accept it. I have stood up to it as best I could make sense of it. It has been extremely confusing to be with someone who has mental health problems. I am not a mental health professional, just a regular gal.

When I first met my h he would push me away, but I didn't recognize until a bit far in that he was constantly going nuclear and ending things and upping the ante and trying new ways of doing it. For awhile he didn't make such threats and I thought he had put this weapon down, but here it is again.

It triggers trauma for me related to death and loss. Breakups feel like death. I know what death looks like and your whole life changes and you lose things you can never get back.

My boyfriends have usually also been like best friends, confidantes big emotional supporters, cool guys. I could pick up the phone, if not for the darn time difference and talk to any of them as if no time has passed, it is that easy and low-key. Other than the one ex with BPD traits whom I was with for just about a year, then painted me black, the other 3 I stayed friends with - friends for life well past the relationship. (I was wrecked for a long time after that too because there was no information at the time to explain this BPD stuff on the internet. It was quite awhile ago!) This hurts me to the core of my being - just the idea of losing my life partner. He doesn't just discuss small issues or differences and solve problems when he is in this state - he goes nuclear. Sirens blaring, it's all over. And then, oops, mistake, "I love you and you are wonderful and you are dream!" Over and over.

I am terrified to lose him because that brings up graveyards and hospital beds and looking death in the face - all that old trauma. It hurts. I swear to the heavens if I had known I was going to date the grim reaper of relationships, the guy who I once told, you have probably broken up with me more than all the people in this village have ever broken up... .that guy... .That guy snuck under my radar, jumped over my walls, messed with my mind so much... .I found another circle of hell I never knew existed. My absolute worst fear in life that I didn't even know I had. I had no idea you could break up with one person this many times. I had no idea there were even other people on the planet experiencing what I was experiencing until I came to this site. I didn't have to pick him then or now. I stay because of beliefs around love and commitment (healthy decent ones) and because of losing my dad (who was really great and totally drama free), and this ingrained belief that you stay by a person even if they have problems, that is my Achille's heal. Normally that might work. Cancer? You stay, right? BPD traits and hundreds of breakups? I didn't have any guidebook to get me through this until I found this site and some hope and my dreams started to come to life again that I had a chance to make this at least manageable if not wonderful.

I have broken up for much, much, much less than one week of this - in my home country. I am overseas and cash strapped after draining my savings being here and I am not entirely myself because I didn't know such horrors existed... .I had no idea someone could say and do the things he has done in these years. He has treated me worse than everyone I have ever met put together, but he has an illness and that is hard on me - that is my weak point and a few others. But I have good self-esteem and I have risen from the pits many times in life. I don't need him or any man to define me or be with me or support me. It is not impossible to walk away from relationships. I care about him because I have a kind heart and am compassionate, and I hoped this would be my final relationship in life. And it probably is - together or apart. I would be happy to just have friends and volunteer and work full-time. No pets and no more relationships if I can't make this work. Sure, I'd like to breathe a little more free of him, but... .we were just laughing our butts off the last few weeks. I am in shock, even after all these years and all his "breakups". He was praising me, even after all we've been through, glowing and happy and thrilled. But that's the illness(es?) too - the highs and lows.

I know when the time to leave is. I always have. Maybe I am a little late or a little slow or give a little extra, but I like to leave knowing I gave it my all so I am not left with regrets. Those hurt worse than all this because if this ends it is lost to me forever. I am cursed with giving things my all. But that is how I make peace with this. I want to give it my all. We were happy just a day or two ago. Very happy. He dysregulated. Maybe he will balance out again soon and then, and only then, we 'll see. I like to help him regulate when I can, but I have no more control over it than he does. It is not easy, but I have spent a life by deathbeds and bedsides and giving to others.  I am strong, which is why I have never had much support in life. No one noticed I needed help or support and I didn't make a lot of noise.

He does not get a divorce when he is out of his mind. He will always get my compassion as long as he is willing to receive it. I see him as having a health crisis and I wish I could know he is okay, but I don't get to know that right now because I've been painted black and that might last forever. I am being given no chance to "save" my relationship they way I am used to being able to do with past, healthier partners - that hurts me and does not feel normal. When I met my h I had him promise me he would never suddenly pull the plug on the relationship and do 6 mo's - 1 year of relationship counseling before we would ever break. He agreed to this - or I would not have been with him. I don't know what to do with someone that acts and thinks like him. I never such extremes in my life and I have seen a lot. I am mostly used to being with nons. I have done my best and I only regret that I didn't recognize sooner that he wasn't a "total evil jerk" but a person that has some severe issues and deserves some support to the extent I can give it without totally ruining my own life. That's me. Warts and all.

Back to today... .

I did a short ride! I saw lots of animals and the lake was nice and still. I have no energy for a normal routine though. It will take all my mental energy to eat. I keep forgetting what food is. I need encouragement with just eating solid food please.

On Thursday I will treat myself to a nice lunch in the city. I can already see the Asian fast food menu and am ready if they'd bring it to me right now! Nothing like that out here in the hinterlands.

Thanks for listening everyone. Thanks for all the support and kindness at this tough time. I really need it.

[pearlsw]

You know what I just remembered? I'm freakin' awesome! I put on some music and danced and laughed and am dreaming of a future. Who knows where I will be in two weeks... .next month, after that... .but I might be dancing somewhere and feeling lighter. I'm a fun person to be with. I'm nice too. And I'm pretty normal. So letting the chips fall... .thanks for inspiration. I am just gonna be the best me for me for now. I always liked dating myself the most anyway!  

But must keep eating! I need more dance songs to lift my spirits!

[Cat Familiar]

I hope you're feeling better, pearlsw. Something to keep in mind is that whether or not you want to eat or exercise/move/dance, your body needs the nutrition and movement in order to function well. It's easy to get into a downward spiral physically if we just let our emotions have free rein and don't support our bodies.

This winter I fainted, hit my head and had a concussion because I wasn't paying attention to my nutritional needs. I forget to eat and get so involved in activities, that stopping to eat seems like work. Well, that day I hadn't eaten since 6 a.m. and it was nearly 3 in the afternoon. I don't remember fainting, but after ending up in the emergency room, getting a CAT scan and bills for over $7 thousand dollars (thankfully I have insurance), I made an agreement with my doctor that I would eat three meals a day, even if I wasn't hungry. It doesn't have to be a big meal, just something to stabilize my blood sugar such as a rice cracker with almond butter.

So please, keep your body supplied with the nutrients it needs and it will help you process all the emotions you are currently experiencing.

   
Cat

[pearlsw]

Hi Cat, Oh my! That is a real wake up call. I am sorry that happened to you! Ouch! I got up to three meals today, but I didn't eat as much of the 3rd one as I should have. I feel stronger today and tomorrow I am in the city so I can treat myself to a meal and people watching for a couple hours. A cracker with peanut butter sounds so good right now. I miss how in the US you can go to some stores and get freshly ground almond butter! I tried to make my own here but it killed the grinder I bought for it! Oops! I got a walk in today and got some information on my situation. I'm getting more tomorrow too. Just taking it one day at a time. He and I had brief contact today. He is still against me and not being nice and he is telling his whole family he is really doing this. If I had one magic wish it would be to end all mood swings for everyone! They all know he is not so stable here and there, but I don't think any of them really, really get the depths and damage of it and they just feed it. Who knows. I gave up on their help long ago.

Thank you so much for cheering me up and reminding me to eat - with good reason! You are so right!  

[seekonlypeace]

Hi pearlsw,
I am not an expert on any of this, except that I myself have been stuck in a very difficult relationship for more than seven years.  He has rages, controlling behavior, mood swings, and more.  But when I read something you wrote about wanting to take care of other people, it makes me want to recommend a book to you.  The book is by Margalis Fjelstad, and is entitled "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life."  It's a severe-sounding title, and I have to hide the book cover from him.  It doesn't necessarily push for leaving or staying, just for letting go of the caregiver role whether you leave or stay, so that your life becomes more tolerable in either case.  Anyway, I have found it so useful.  Maybe you can read more about the book on the web.  The author has experienced difficult relationships herself, and the book is very concrete, with many practical suggestions.  Just a suggestion.  I wish you much strength, peace, and joy.

seekonlypeace

[pearlsw]

Hi seekonlypeace,

I like that name! Oh thank you for the recommendation! In the country am in, and with my low income at the moment, I cannot afford books and don't have free access to them in my language in public. I just read what I can find for free online these days. It's not the best quality of life here I must admit! I hear so many different things - adjust to the caretake role, give up the caretaker role. I am not sure with all I read how to apply it to my particular situation  when on top of all things he is undiagnosed. I don't know why he cycles like this and if it makes any difference to know why or if I should just focus on the behaviors... .I don't know. I only started getting enough of a grip on my situation in the last few months to begin trying the communication tools and seeing what I can remember in the heat of the moment. I'm doing a little better with self-care at the moment, but it is a struggle. I have to admit I am scared. My whole world might be crashing down and I have to pull together every random resource I can think of to make a softer landing. I had just been feeling like I could not take one more break up threat, but I wasn't expecting it to go nuclear again until his kids come at the end of the year. I thought I'd have been able to build up a bit more stability by then. I was starting to think the tools would work well enough for me to avoid the most extreme stuff. But I was wrong. His mind cycles to a very low point sometimes, and very rapidly. (He has an older brother with Schizoprenia and I believe his father had some kind of mental health issue as well and he was also very high functioning like my h.) This has made it hard for me to establish a life here because I never know whether I should be planning to be here or to go back. It has taken a huge psychological toll on me. I have never experienced such a damaging situation in my life. And it is confusing. I constantly have to ask myself why I do this and resort that out over and over. I want to be a healthy stable person and not have a totally messed up life so I try to stay balanced by approaching this as a health issue, but I also have no illusion it is all my responsibility and certainly not my fault. If my presence is actually make him more ill than I would go. I just don't know and there are not always clear answers. Cancer is easier than this to sort out and deal with to be honest!

I sure would love to hear more about how to end the drama. I am pretty torn up by the recommendations of some not to contact him while he is being this way - that makes me feel even worse in some ways, but I'll be honest, it hurts either way. It hurts to feel powerless to get through to the person you love, it hurts to see him going to others instead of me when I have understood and supported him the most. It just hurts. But I have to accept that this is what our life looks at the moment. I don't know how to handle the reality/unreality of this type of behavior. And I miss him. He was being so funny and fun to be with lately. He seemed so happy - the happiest I had seen in a long time.

I notice I am feeling a longing for a professional diagnosis with a clear response to treat this - a blueprint we could follow and have more peace and stability. I know that is extremely unlikely to ever happen. It's just me grasping for straws and trying to make the best of a tough situation.

I am also very hurt because I just took him to a big family event. Had I known we were headed towards a divorce I would not have brought him around my family, but at the time it meant the world to me - and they were all so nice to him and he had so much fun with them and wanted to move near them with me. But that is all gone for now. He's gone for now. The person I knew just last week may never come back. That is so shocking and odd and makes me feel vulnerable and lost and confused and worried.

In a way I don't want to see him either... .I can't look into that cold, mean face right now. I am tired of that guy who doesn't listen and pushes me away and brings the world down on my head.

[Cat Familiar]

So you are in a country that isn’t your own, with a language that is not your nativ tongue. I presume you were living together and now he’s off somewhere?

It sounds like your finances are tied to him and that you have very little disposable income. You recently visited your family. I’m wondering if they’re far away or if you could stay with them while you figure things out.

It sounds like you are waiting for him to contact you and you are not sure if you want to reach out to him.

I’m a very plan oriented person, so I’m wondering what options you are thinking about.

You seem like a very kind and compassionate person and it sounds like you’re feeling a tremendous amount of distress and uncertainty waiting for him to figure out what he’s doing.

What I’d like to hear from you is what you want, knowing what you do about him? What do you see your future like? Is he someone you want in your life in the next twenty, thirty, forty years?