Old habits die hard?

[lostandconfused6]

Not sure if this is the best title for it but I think it fits. As most of you know that have followed my story my BPDbf has had some shady dealings with another girl in the time that we have been together the most recent being in June (that I know of)... .I have done my best to put it out of my mind and I have done very well with that lately which I am proud of myself for he assures me over and over that he will never do it again and he knows he lied to me about it in the past but he won't do it again... i do my best to believe him... .his dysregulations have been kept to a minimum... .minus a few melt downs the last few weeks things have been going very well... .back to the point of this post as I stated I have done very well keeping the situation with the other girl out of my mind but every time his phone goes off I can feel my anxiety coming on, sometimes he will show me his phone and say see it's just my mom other times he turns it over and says "it's my dad he's so annoying" or doesn't acknowledge that it went off and just responds and goes on about w.e else he was doing

I made a promise I would never go through his phone again (I did 1 time in july of 16) and I've kept that promise because to me that's very important. I just can't help but worry that something else is still going on and I don't want to ruin things with us by persistently bringing it up, but I do feel that he needs to prove that nothing else is going on in other ways than just saying it especially since he has admittedly lied about it so many times. He has a tendency to bully me out of my feelings and threaten to leave me if I ask for answers as to why he did what he did in regards to that girl. I know it's a shame response but it still frustrates me. I even wrote him a letter instead of talking in circles like we tend to do sometimes and he said he was thankful for it and appreciated it and he is working on his response to it (which it's now been a little over a month but i'm being patient) I got a little off track but my question is how do I get over this? is it possible? I don't want to lose him. I do fear that this girl is still in his life, maybe just as a friend, but i'm not ok with that and he knows it and said he realized that her friendship isn't worth it (which he has told me before and she was still around but he swears this time is different) he's just made so many comments about the fact that he didn't think what he was doing wrong because "of his intentions behind it" Is that a common BPD trait?

I've read and learned so much since finding out about him having BPD but I just can't figure this out... .I want to let it go but I also feel when I do i'll get slapped in the face again and look stupid like I did when I let it go completely in the past. Almost like he will think "haha i'm getting away with it" type of thing... .sorry ya'll I'm just super anxious and frustrated today I want so badly for us to work and I know I need to work on my self also

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[evanescent]

Sorry you are having to struggle with this. Cheating is such a serious trust issue for most of us, destroying in a day what is often built over years. I've not had to deal with it in any way that I felt threatened by, but to say I trusted my wife not to cheat would be wrong as well.

I think fear of abandonment is at the heart of it for most of us however.

I never went through my exBPDw's phone, not because I didn't suspect anything was there, but because I was able reconcile the potential for abandonment as a non-threat to my own self-esteem. I'm not sure how one gets to that point however, as that fear is a perfectly normal response!

(And FWIW, posthumously, there was nothing on her phone to see with respect to any flings she may have had, though she did tell me of at least two.)

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you for your response the loss of trust is the hardest part for me he could do no wrong in my eyes and all signs pointed to him being a great honest guy even his exes confirmed that he was honest and loyal and they screwed up, but then this happened and it's like my whole world came crashing down. His most used response is I've never done anything like this or been in a situation like this and it took me a long time to come to figure out how to handle it in my way, he says he knows the things I told him on how to handle it would work but basically they weren't his ideas and he needed to figure it out on his own.

I took a huge blow to my self esteem with this and I know this is mean to say but it was mostly because of the kind of girl she is. Uneducated, ugly, lying, cheated on her husband, manipulative, and going no where fast in life. Before I was involved with my boyfriend she had told him that her husband beat, controlled, and verbally abused her. My boyfriend felt bad for and that's where it all started.

I didn't think about it until just now but maybe that's what i'm struggling with is trying to figure out how he could risk losing me over someone like that?