INDIANA Modification to CO to include additional parenting time when SS turns 3

[MidwestNative]

Background: We are in Indiana. I'm a SM and my SO has a son aged 2 (almost 3!). SS's BM has been diagnosed in the past with bipolar disorder, then PTSD, and then some vague "emotional regulation disorder" by the courts. A few years ago, a couple's counselor suggested BPD although BM firmly refuses this diagnosis (as she has all the others). She has primary physical custody and this summer moved 2.5  hours away. We currently have an EOW plus holidays CO in place.

So here is the deal. When SS2 turns three the guidelines say we get 4 full weeks from Sunday to Sunday in addition to EOW and holidays. We just need to give 60 days notice. Hooray! We are more than thrilled to finally be able to take a vacation with SS so he can meet his extended family!

However, in the past BM has said if it isn't in the official order she doesn't have to do it. (Things like releasing SS's medical information or daycare names and numbers. Those are now officially in the CO although she still refuses sometimes to release the info.) She has told us in the past we can have SS for a week if we tell her where we are going, with who, give their information, etc. However, she usually goes back on this and takes back her offer of extra when she decides her time with SS is more important. It is always super disappointing for our relatives who don’t get why SS isn’t at family events. Therefore, we want written in the CO that we have these four weeks protected otherwise she is in contempt.

So first question: how do we get a modification to the CO that basically just says follow the guidelines? Is there a way to get a modification if it is what the guidelines recommend without going back to court? (We really really really hate court.) (The official guidelines language:  The noncustodial parent shall have up to four (4) non-consecutive weeks during the year beginning at 4:00 P.M. on Sunday until 4:00 P.M. on the following Sunday. The non-custodial parent shall give at least sixty (60) days advance notice of the use of a particular week.)

Second question: Because of how holidays fall, there are two times next year when we won't see SS for 6 weeks in a row and then later we won't see him for 4 weeks because his BM will get our weekends. The court says in the end this will all “work out.” (Sidenote Indiana: who ever is scheduling your holiday times is not considering the EOW schedule. How crazy is it for a 3 year old to not see his parent for 6 weeks!) We obviously would like to avoid this. We could use two of our four weeks to make up for that additional time in between weeks but we would like to save these weeks for holidays and special family vacations. Are there any suggests for modifying the CO so we don’t go 4-6 weeks without seeing SS? We were thinking about asking for 6 weeks instead of four but this seemed a little bit too much? Could we perhaps ask for 4 weeks plus two “make-up” weekends”? Or do you think it would be best try to do a “no parent will have the child for 3 weekends straight” modification so that if a parent has two weekends in a row they give their third weekend to the other parent? This option seems the most fair for both parties. Any thoughts?

Third question: Holiday time. Our CO says “with holiday parenting time occurring in accordance with the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines.” However this can be difficult since BM moved 2.5hours away. Any holiday that falls on a weekday is essentially not possible. Should we bother asking for make up holiday time? Such as “when a holiday falls on a weekday, the non custodial parent shall exercise holiday parenting time on the Friday closest to the holiday that is also the non custodial parent’s weekend?” Or should we just forfeit our 3 weekday holidays?  Also, SS will be three and is not obviously in school. However do we still following the school age guidelines? For example, are spring break and fall breaks holiday times for a 3 year old? The guidelines say “if observed by the child’s school.” So do we wait for these holidays until he is in school? Finally for Christmas one parent gets the first “half” of Christmas and then the other the next but the one that doesn’t get Christmas day is supposed to get noon to 9 pm. This doesn’t seem feasible since we are 2.5 hours away. I guess my question is given in the past holidays have created a lot of conflict, should we attempt to clarify/ modify in any way? Has anyone ever gotten a special holiday order in place?

Fourth and Final Question

[ForeverDad]

Two and a half hours away.  Who does the driving?  I think this is where the non-primary parent does the pick up and the primary parent does the return.  That way you're only responsible for one of the 2.5 hour drives.  Or have an agreed location to meet halfway in between.  But the problem with that is what to do if mother is a no-show.

The main thing to keep in mind is that it's very hard to force an obstructive, uncooperative parent to comply.  Even if you know in advance that compliance is unlikely, you don't have basis to proactively involve the professionals such as police, etc until there is non-compliance.  Then it becomes a matter of Contempt of Court.  Yes, going back to court to get the judge to decide if it rises to the level of being actionable.

My county too has a long list of published Parenting Guidelines.  You'd need local legal advice to advise how binding (or not) those statements, schedules, etc are if they're not directly referenced by the Order.  Perhaps the order needs to state which parts (or all) of the guidelines apply and detail specifics to be added or ignored.  But beware, many guidelines talk about "mutually agreed" exchange locations and "reasonable" telephone contact.  Those standard boilerplates work with reasonably normal parents but are misused by sabotaging parents.

[Sluggo]

Midwest Native,

If you are having problems getting those details worked out on the custody order, a possible solution would be to request a parenting coordinator.  His job is to help facilitate an agreement, and if one cannot be reached, then he will issue a binding recommendation.  That has proved somewhat helpful in keeping my exwife in line and gets these questions answered much more quickly and a little cheaper than going through the court.

Our PC just left our case becuase of a discrimination complaint exwife placed against him (unfounded as you would guess) because of the binding recommendations which was making my wife very upset.  She was not getting her way.  I feel the abscense of the PC now as wife has started taking her own decisions once again without any ability to compromise.