Rage

[JoBeth]

Once the rage is over, is it normal and acceptable to not want to talk to my child for a long time.  (The child is married now and lives far away.)  Being around my child is like walking on eggshells and this past visit was extremely painful. Thanksgiving is coming up and I usually stay at their home, but I'm fearful of staying and fearful of not staying.  Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi JoBeth

Welcome to bpdfamily  

I'm so sorry this past visit was extremely painful for you and completely understandable following your daughter's rage for you to want space and care for yourself. Is there a pattern to her behaviour? How do you respond?

Your say you are fearful of staying and fearful of not staying at Thanksgiving. I found this workshop
"FOG"... .fear, obligation, guilt helpful in understanding my fears around my 29BPD. Do you find it helpful in anyway? What's making you fearful of sending your apologies on this occasion if that's what you feel is best for you?

I'm glad you've joined us here for support, you are not alone 

WDx

[JoBeth]

Thanks for directing me to FOG to read.  This describes exactly what I face at times.  The behavior seems to be escalating in the recent years.  Being in the house with my child, I know I will face confrontation and anger, or silence.  Thanksgiving is always when I bring  the Christmas gifts for the grandchildren too, so the thought of going through all the turmoil is very difficult.  The worst part is knowing I will have to contact my child via telephone to ascertain welcome when I arrive.  This can't be done via text or e-mail, as there may be confusing responses, or there may be silence.  Is the book, "Walking on Eggshells" worth the read?

[LifeinOZ]

Have you read the book, "Walking on Eggshells?"
It helped me a lot!

There is not "right" answer. If you stay home to try to create peace for yourself and your daughter - you don't care! If you go - you potentially set yourself up for more abuse.

Follow your heart... .

[LifeinOZ]

Jobeth - I was typing my response when you asked about the book! Yes, it is worth the read and it will absolutely validate your feelings of needing a break after an episode.

[livednlearned]

Would you feel better about staying in a hotel? It can be a challenge for a lot of families to spend time together under one roof, even when there is low conflict.

When SO's SD20 (uBPD/dx bipolar) comes to stay, I take care of myself by keeping busy and recognizing that she is more likely to emotionally dysregulate if we spend too much time together. Sometimes I think I over-validate her feelings and even contribute to her dysregulations, so I have to try and monitor that.

In one of the books, I think maybe Loving Someone with BPD, the author (Shari Manning) talks about this as a strategy to keep loved ones from becoming emotionally aroused. Or maybe it was Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD... .I can't remember which one it is.

It sounds like with your situation, though, the trouble is figuring out if you are even welcome  That has to really hurt, JoBeth. I'm so sorry it has to be that way, especially with grandchildren involved.

Has she ever turned you away? What would happen if you suggested staying nearby (if that's possible)?