8 separate stints in rehab. this year alone

[Rockdad1959]

Thank you very much for reaching out to welcome me! It will take me some time to get accustomed to message board etiquette. Your patience and guidance is severely needed and greatly appreciated. Outside of the parent of a child my daughter met during one of her MANY stays in inpatient rehab, this is the only source of support and guidance I have sought in dealing (mainly with my daughter's ) intense journey in regard to her BPD. My 24 year old only child / daughter and my ex-wife are both BP. My ex has re-married and is currently parenting our daughter's 3 year old daughter. My girlfriend/significant other and I (retired/disabled) have been struggling with my daughter's BPD and Addictions for the last 8 years, with very little positive results. An intense emotional rollercoaster does not come close to describing our disappointment, suffering, and disillusionment in dealing with my daughter's condition. I only recently became aware of BPD through some research. I need serious guidance from those who have similar experience. My only child and daughter has been in 8 separate stints in rehab. this year alone! (The behavior started when she was 12, coinciding with her mother and I separating and me filing for divorce, following her mother choking and threatening our daughter while my ex was going into withdrawal from years of being on percocet.) Our has come close to losing her life multiple times. She has been in jail for short periods twice over the past year. It has threatened my life, 22 years of sobriety, and well being and deeply affected all family members and family relationships. I have a conference call with my daughter and her counselor at rehab tomorrow morning at 10:30 am that could have life changing results that could be dire and life effecting. I am a nervous wreck, and frightened on multiple levels. Her behavior has burned bridges to safety and put severe separation and alienation on behalf of her family. For the most part I am the only one who has not given up on trying to get her the help and healing she needs. EVERY time she is in inpatient treatment and coming up to 2 months of treatment, she thinks she can fix her life on an outpatient basis and each time only has other users to go to live with and it gets deadlier each time she tries to do the same thing and is expecting different results (insanity)... .I have just started reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells"... .I am so afraid she will leave treatment again and end up once again being drawn back into drugs/alcohol and each time it gets deadlier (suicidal, need for narcan, etc)... .HELP! My head and heart are panicking and I am afraid if I cannot convince her to stay in inpatient treatment until she is capable of living safely on the outside that I could end up burying her. I have not even mentioned actual examples of the insanity and intensity of the behavior... .HELP!  And... .again... .thank you so much for being there and caring! Sincerely... .Rockdad1959

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Rockdad my heart goes out to you, the wrenching pain of being helpless to ensure the safety of a loved child is just really hard to bear.

Try as best you can to take care of yourself and take it day by day, because you'll need strength to keep going and keep trying to help.  Sometimes loving detachment (emotionally, not from trying) can be helpful to be able to keep going.  Try the WiseMind links on the right and although the danger is absolutely real, it might be that you only have so much control over it.  It might even be more effective in some ways if your daughter feels that you can't rescue her?  that she has to do it herself?

Let us know how the phone call went, did your daughter stay in the inpatient care?

Wishing for the best for you

 

[Rockdad1959]

Many thanks Incadove for reaching out with some advice. My daughter is still hoping in her mind that she can do fine with dbt on an outpatient basis. The biggest problem is that her decisions and choices are initially well intended and optimistic but are also unrealistic and impulsive. For now she is staying at the center she is at. All she has for insurance is IL state medicaid and therefor her options for serious inpatient debt are very limited. While I feel that learning how a person with dbt often hears something with entirely different meaning from words that are actually spoken to them... .this fact offers comfort in knowledge but at the same time I feel I have to analyze every word I speak for fear it will be completely misconstrued. My daughter is feeling "institutionalized" and deserate to prove she can get better and live and survive via outpatient treatment. She has burned all bridges to safety from her entire family with the exception of myself and is basically homeless and the only people that she knows will take her in and offer a place to live tend to use her to extort money from me for their own life needs and while fair seems fair, I can barely afford to support my daughter financially while in a safe treatment facility... .much less in any other circumstance. Marijuana is her fix all drug and seems to make her happy for a short period of time but eventually stops working and she ends up using anything else that will give even temporary relief to feeling everything she is feeling. What starts out as a  small "hit" in the morning and before bed very quickly turns into large quantities and constant use and eventually leads to more dangerous combinations of drugs and alcohol. My short term goal is (and that of her family) is to convince her to stay in any type of inpatient treatment program, preferably for one year, and then transition into a residential life re-adjustment program until she is able to safely live independently. She without fail always tries to leave inpatient treatment every time she gets close to 2 months of being off of recreational mind altering substances and that is why this one year plan never even has a chance... .I am drained and afraid on so many levels and unfortunately on social security myself so my financial abilities are severely limited... .and great treatment COSTS A LOT OF MONEY... .unless Dr Phil's tv sponsors decides to pay for it... .So every day I am extremely stressed and because the rest of the family is either afraid of her of simply unable to cope with her condition and has created boundaries and given up. It is "I" who have taken on the responsibility to get / keep her in treatment that can best help her and that is the tip of the iceberg... .Thanks to you Incadove and the others in the group for your help and advice. I am indeed desperate and grateful... .

[livednlearned]

Hi Rockdad1959,

Congratulations on your many years of sobriety

How did your phone call go?

I am so sorry for the pain and fear that brings you here, and glad you found the site. You are sick with worry about your daughter's health and safety, and for good reason. She has been in and out of inpatient care and like you mention, it takes money to try and get the best care, which is not always possible. Making it doubly tough (and common on these boards) is that your daughter is an adult and can make up her own mind. I can understand why this might wear so heavily on your own health and well-being.

Do you have a local NEA-BPD support group for families in your area?

Is your daughter in a dual-diagnosis care facility?

One takeaway for me (from being in my local NEA-BPD group) is that our own anxiety and fear is a self-care issue that can actually impede our ability to support our loved one with mental illness. It is harder to problem-solve and be a supportive catcher's mitt for our loved one if we are beside ourselves with fear and anxiety. An instructor in a class on BPD I took said that the challenge we face in trying to temper our stress is arguably not that different than the battle our loved ones face to regulate their own emotions. That was an aha moment for me, to recognize how self-care in our situations is not a platitude, it is a sobering reality.

We are here to walk with you, Rockdad1959.

You are not alone.

 

LnL
 

[incadove]

Hi Rockdad

Yeah, my dd also smokes and has told me that it was really important for her, but I'm hoping that with therapy she will cut down or go off of it.  It worries me but because she has independent sources of finances the only thing I can do is to talk to her and be accepting, and express confidence that she'll figure things out.  I don't know if there is a better thing to do, I wish I knew what I should be doing now to help her head in a positive direction.

Glad to hear she stayed at the center for now!

Do they have a backup plan if she leaves the center, that gives her some level of support that would be different than what she's gotten in the past? 

I don't know if other parents here have experienced kids deciding and managing to stop using marijuana after using it for an extended period, or kids for whom it didn't stop them from having productive lives?  It seems like a really widely occurring thing, as a way to manage anxiety and pain, and I don't honestly know what to make of it or do about it.