Exchanging Belongings etc

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In a nutshell, earlier in the year, split with BPD ex, who smashed my house up when I confronted him about his affairs. He now wants his computer back, but I'm still paying for repairs for the damage he caused, which I can't afford.


He has gone full - on victim, painting me black since I started a (amazing) relationship with someone else and he realised he wasn't getting me back.

I want to just be rid of him, but I'm on a low income and really don't have much, whereas he is very wealthy (family money), and throws money around like paper. It's repairs like smashed windows, tv ariel (got ripped out). I had some items smashed which I need to replace, and my favourite antique oak table (charity shop find) was smashed up. I do have some very expensive equipment still at his house which I'm not bothered about him keeping, I'm only bothered about trying to get him to pay for the repairs and engineers. However, the most important thing is that I'm still in one piece, and happy.

Am I within my rights to withhold his computer etc until he has paid, or would I be accused of theft?

[Amber2016]

In a nutshell, earlier in the year, split with BPD ex, who smashed my house up when I confronted him about his affairs. He now wants his computer back, but I'm still paying for repairs for the damage he caused, which I can't afford.


He has gone full - on victim, painting me black since I started a (amazing) relationship with someone else and he realised he wasn't getting me back.

I want to just be rid of him, but I'm on a low income and really don't have much, whereas he is very wealthy (family money), and throws money around like paper. It's repairs like smashed windows, tv ariel (got ripped out). I had some items smashed which I need to replace, and my favourite antique oak table (charity shop find) was smashed up. I do have some very expensive equipment still at his house which I'm not bothered about him keeping, I'm only bothered about trying to get him to pay for the repairs and engineers. However, the most important thing is that I'm still in one piece, and happy.

Am I within my rights to withhold his computer etc until he has paid, or would I be accused of theft?

[livednlearned]

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to come home to a smashed up house  

That had to be really scary.

Do you know if there is pro bono legal advice for DV cases in your area? That will at least let you know how things work where you live.

You may also want to read about high-conflict personalities on www.highconflictinstitute.com. Bill Eddy is a former social worker who then became a family law attorney, and has some good advice about how to run the legal gauntlet with a high conflict person.

One of the things we have to think about is whether you want any more negative engagement. People with high-conflict personalities may take things to court simply to stay engaged. If it's negative engagement, doesn't matter.

For that reason, you may want to prioritize strategies that minimize conflict, both in the near-term and the long-term. If the computer stays in your possession, you have to weigh whether that will keep him engaged with you.

You also have to weigh whether giving him the computer back means you have no recourse for repair repayment.

First, tho, you may want to find out exactly how things work where you live.

Glad you're safe! And dating someone nice.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

Possibly the computer is leverage you could use.  For example, you could counter by making an offer to exchange his computer for any disputed items or repairs needed.  However, a lawyer might be needed to phrase it in legally acceptable and enforceable terms.

A lot depends on how much he values that computer.  He might prefer to refuse rather than give back or repair your items.  Or he may try to intimidate you into giving it back while refusing to do the same for your items.

[Panda39]

Do you have anything else that he would view as his?  Because you could return the computer and then he could be on to the next thing that he believes is his. 

I think if this were me though, I would return the computer breaking all ties to your ex.  Don't feed the drama he is clearly trying to escalate.  Things can be replaced and repaired, I would rather have this toxic person out of my life, than have never ending conflict and drama over "things".  My peace of mind would be more important to me than "things".

If you do return the computer get a receipt or film the return so you have evidence the computer was returned.

Panda39