PC quit after discrimination allegation from exwife (unfounded)- common tactic?

[Sluggo]

My exwife just filed a discrimination complaint against PC.  Our PC just said he is withdrawling from case.  Exwife did same type of complaint against our special needs childs doctor three months ago who we have had for 9 years (wife wants to change doctor and I did not want to and PC also agreed with me) .  Ex wife filed formal discrimination complaint.  Doctor is defending himself.  3 years ago exwife filed complaint of our marriage counselor on the last day of our appointment after MC challenged her.   

My exwife is not a native speaker and came to the states about 20 years ago.  Her English is very good and communicates to everyone in English.  However, she just started using this ploy against some important people in my life and our kids life when she does not get her way (PC, kids doctors, etc). 

We have filed for a new PC, our doctor who is the go to doctor in the US for her condition is about ready to drop our childs case.  Our medical supply company is considering dropping us because of all the drama she has had with them as recently as this week.  We had a different doctor drop us about 3 years ago due to an argument they had. 
 

It is when the people start seeing my exwife for who she is (it takes a while because she is very charismatic, gentle, and persuasive in public) and will disagree with her then she has started using these nuclear options.   She is also trying to shed anyone that knows me already as with any new doctor (one in particular) has maligned my character so badly with him that that doctor that the first time I saw him he was very confrontational to me.   


And this is just with the professional people in my life.  Compound that with the same ploys with my children and Church community.

[livednlearned]

I think it is common with high-conflict personalities

My ex filed a complaint against every professional involved in our case, including my T, who never even saw him.

Complaints against my L, ex's L, our PC, two psychiatrists, two psychologists. He threatened to file a complaint against the elementary school principal and the gifted/special education teacher, but didn't follow through.

It's a form of bullying.

I can puzzle together the pathological behaviors and why it happens (black/white thinking, no sense of self, blame-shifting, etc.) but it's still abusive, no matter why it happens.

I'm really sorry you're going through this

[polaris9]

What is a PC?  My uBPDw hasn't dropped any abuse allegations but she is constantly in conflict with doctors, principals, teachers, etc often leading to threatened legal action.  I hate to think how much she has spent on retainers with attorneys in the last couple of years - thankfully that will soon be her own issue.

[Sluggo]

LNL,

Thanks for the reply.  Did those professionals quit your case?  Did it affect anything in court for you... .how did the court look at all that... .or was that after the divorce went through. 

 thanks Sluggo

[Sluggo]

Polaris,

What is a PC?

It is a Parenting Coordinator.  She was placed on our case by the court to help interpret the order and help reduce conflict.  So if for example my ex and I disagree on a parenting exchange on how it is to take place, she will help us try to resolve it.  If we can't, she will issue a binding recommendation that we have to follow or be in contempt.

It is amazing the trail of destruction that can be left by the people with these behaviors when they feel threatened. 

Sluggo

[polaris9]

Polaris,

It is a Parenting Coordinator.  She was placed on our case by the court to help interpret the order and help reduce conflict.  So if for example my ex and I disagree on a parenting exchange on how it is to take place, she will help us try to resolve it.  If we can't, she will issue a binding recommendation that we have to follow or be in contempt.

It is amazing the trail of destruction that can be left by the people with these behaviors when they feel threatened. 

Sluggo

Thanks Sluggo - these are the things that I have to look forward to in the next year or two. 

[ForeverDad]

I had our pediatrician and a daycare give notice of "Withdrawal of Services".  Another daycare almost did the same, they filed a stalking petition against my ex and even called the police on her but then the school year ended and he thereafter went to a school and daycare in my area.

Even once I got full custody a few years later our original pediatrician wouldn't take our son back.

[Sluggo]

FD,

That is nuts.  But I guess I should not be surprised.  As the pattern of behavior is the same but it is just on a bigger stage. 

Sluggo

[livednlearned]

How does the parenting coordinator order work in your state?

Does the PC have to go before the judge to withdraw (which is how it works where I live)? If so, then that testimony will be interesting.

And if that's the way it works where you live, can you have your lawyer file for a motion that modifies the PC order, so that in the event of another PC withdrawing, you will seek sole decision-making in order to minimize the time spent in court? Or maybe even use this opportunity as leverage to get sole decision-making?

The whole point of a PC is to keep cases like ours from stuffing up the docket in family law court.

Maybe if you pitch to the judge that sole decision-making would help keep you two out of court, you could get somewhere with this.

That's how my L pitched it to the judge, although there were other things going on that led to sole legal custody.

I have to say, getting sole legal custody lifted a HUGE burden.

Best money I ever spent 

[Sluggo]

LNL,

Thanks for the thoughts. 

Good question... .  I am not sure if PC appears before court to withdrawal or if or submit to the court in writing why.  I will ask my L 

It is refreshing to see that my lawyer is on the same page as what you suggested.  my L petitioned the court for sole legal when this happened a couple of weeks ago.  However, just got word from judge today that he will neither assign a new PC or do anything else since the initial divorce hearing is under appeal (we filed the appeal). 

The bad news is that my x has already changed her behavior since the PC withdrew.  It is like opening the gate to our pets- as soon as that restriction is lifted - there is no stopping them.  I had commented before when we had a PC, 'wow if I had a PC when we were married- my marriage would have been so much better'.   I agree too, having sole legal will help so much.  I am a very reasonable person but as you know the x really does not have the capacity to be reasonable in many instances. 

Judge is not looking out for the interest of the kids.  With holidays coming up, this could be a real mess.  Appeal wont be finished until Spring.   

[formflier]

There is little hope of controlling your wife's mouth (with regard to accusations).  Some states will allow (order) that a person has to get permission from a judge (or other authority) before filing another lawsuit.  I'm wondering if your L can ask for a similar order regarding discrimination complaints.

Especially if you can show that this PATTERN is impacting the welfare of your child.

It's worth some legal time and research.

FF

[livednlearned]

What is the divorce appeal about?

[Sluggo]

FF,

wondering if your L can ask for a similar order regarding discrimination complaints.

I will ask thank you! 

LNL,

What is the divorce appeal about?

The findings and conclusion of law are contradictory in the decree.  It is 30 plus pages long.  The lawyers nor PC know what the order says because of the contradictions in the order.  It seems the judge may have just cut and paste in items from the lawyers without really seeing that everything was coherent... .such as saying that I get sole authority to make legal decisions because of wife's previous behaviors, but then in another part of ruling it says she has the authority.  The judge gave authority to PC to dictate the what the parenting time should be.  PC and lawyers say that was not correct to do. 

This was an opinion I got from someone very familiar with the case and very knowledgeable about Parenting coordinators.  The result not only isn't favorable but disappointing and, in fact will continue to promote alienation and emotional abuse on wifes part.  In spite of all the findings outlined about alienation and emotional abuse in the judges ruling, the court didn't follow up with the recommended parenting time or the intervention necessary to stop that process and allow you the opportunity to repair your relationship with the children.    This person goes onto say that the PC is put in a no win situation as it is asking him to change the time of parenting. 

We thought about clarifying orders, however my lawyers said there is just too many contradictions and the ruling could get rewritten.  Wife has clinical diagnosis which court also acknowledged and it was reported in the CE and in court testimony. 

It seems like a cluster.  Judge retires in a few months. 

[formflier]

That sucks... .seems like there was a lot of effort undone by an apparently lazy judge... .or at least a judge that wasn't paying attention.

So... is a different judge handling the appeal?

FF

[Sluggo]

FF,

The appeal goes to a 3 judge panel. They could send it back to the lower court for him to redo it with instructions or the appeal board could rewrite the order.  My hope, if anything,  is that he will be retired by the time the appeal board rules so if it does go to lower court it goes to someone else. .

[formflier]

I'm curious... .couldn't your lawyer write a proposed draft order?

I've never been involved in divorce action... .but... unfortunately... have quite a bit of experience in civil litigation.  So far successful experience, but it's still costly and "draining".

Anyway, many times an order is written that the judge can sign off on, especially if all parties are saying "we agree to this order"

What is your timeline for the appeal?  Any guesses how much your appeal will cost you?

FF

[livednlearned]

Ugh. I feel for you. Getting tangled up in the court stuff is a nightmare. It felt to me like a full-time job trying to stay on top of things.

That sucks... .seems like there was a lot of effort undone by an apparently lazy judge... .or at least a judge that wasn't paying attention.

How it works where I live, that would be my lawyer's fault. And by extension, mine, for not proofing the draft before the hearing where it was sworn in. And not attending the hearing to make sure no modifications were suggested last-minute.

I'm raising this because my case got more watertight the more I figured out how the procedures worked. My ex is a former trial attorney and I was worried he would have an advantage based on technicalities, so I tried to learn as much as I could about the procedure of things. It helped a ton.

My L's thinking and psychological insights were excellent, and she was a talented trial attorney. She was also careless in her writing. That actually gave me the first tip-off that there are small points along the way to influence the outcome of my case. She would often say, You don't have to be at this or that hearing. Or, We got this, no need to review, but as a courtesy here it is.

And I would always learn something or find something if I took the time. Which I seriously did not have -- I was finishing a Phd, had a full-time job, was a single mom (after ex lost visitation).

Because of that, I learned to introduce consequences into the orders. My ex, who I initially thought was so formidable, would come to the hearing and go on about something unrelated to why we were there, and rarely paid attention to the language about consequences for non-compliance.

That ended up saving me a lot of money and headache because when he would (invariably) take me back to court, the judge would read the order and say, "Well it says here if you don't have this done by this date, then you are responsible for all of that. So that's my ruling."

Before that, the judge would give ex two and three bites of the apple. It drove me nuts! And cost me a lot of money.

Sorry for the rant   Hopefully there is something in all of these shared experiences that can help you, Sluggo. You deserve better, and so do your kids.

LnL

[formflier]

It felt to me like a full-time job trying to stay on top of things.
 

So true.

I too have been to every hearing and previewed every document.  Luckily, I'm very very happy with my legal team and we now work as a "partnership" on most documents and issues.  Again... luckily... all three of us approach things from very different perspectives so it helps to examine things from all angles.  One of my Ls is a walking talking legal encyclopedia the other guy is very "good on his feet" in court. 

Anway... .LnL's point about "automatic consequences is a great one.  Even for things like "making up lost time"... much better to specifically address it and set specific limits.  Let's say that it's "her" weekend, yet she is sick with flu.  Much better to say that 2 weekends per year can be "made up" (or changed) with a doctors note than to just say with a doctors note weekends can be made up.

See how that sounds  giving and fair, yet in reality sets a boundary against a disordered person "working the system" to disrupt things.

The more detail and specific... .the better.

So... not just "in writing", but "in writing and delivered through email with read receipts" or I believe there are apps out there that can verify when messages are sent and read.  You want to eliminate the "I didn't know"... .or "see that".

   

Hang in there

FF