Interference with SS arrangements with his dad..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just felt like sharing this.  I think the message here is it doesn't matter how many  years you've dealt with (and/or supported your DH) with a borderline mom's galling behaviour they never fail to do what they do best. Meddle and interfere at any opportunity. Particularly when it's something good that dad does for his kids it must be messed with. 

Recently my SS13 had a school trip which involved border crossing internationally. 

The deal with his passport is that both parents need to give permission to travel, not just mumsy dearest who is the primary full time parent.   I'd also like to add that over the years, dad (my DH) has overcome being shut out/selective info sharing  and discrimination from the kids' schools which tend to only deal with the moms (pwBPD) and her 'I'm the boss of these kids and you only deal with me, not their dad' b.s. she tried to pull off when they were young.  Both of my stepkids are now in junior high which, thank the universe, has changed this game.    With the help of modern tools like the internet, dad has developed keen skills on keeping track of and up to date with everything having to do with school stuff, events, newsletters, bulletins, grades, classes, attendance etc. 

Going back to the beginning of arrangements for this school trip a few weeks ago, we get in an email:  "He's going (basically telling us), I am dealing with the forms (oh really, this should be interesting), please pay half"  The parental agreement states that DH can decide if he pays for school trips over $500 but it's not mandatory, it's his discretion. BTW he pays their tuition at private schools and all the tidings and accounts.  These kinds of trips are extra and this one was quite a biggy.   My sore spot is when the ex-wife flashes her plump greedy palm in entitlement (she tries to get half all the time and she is not hurting financially by any stretch of the imagination since she sold the family home she got in the divorce, she thrives on the opportunities to do this).

Once she informed DH of this school trip officially, we did know something about the planning of it last spring and that turns out a deposit was supposed to have been made back in May but we didn't know if son was going until the beginning of school.  Interesting.  We were told in the summer by son that he wasn't going (it's band) and not interested.  Hmm... .The school year starts and DH was asking him about it. Suddenly he is keen on going as mumsy was probably behind deciding for him.   When she initially sent the 'he's going' email and demanding cheque for 1/2 to be enclosed with next kid exchange, she tells DH that she has already made the deposit.  Really.  Stupidly, she encloses an email she sent to the school saying she 'forgot about sending the deposit cheque (with son to take to school) and 'whom does she make it out to'?  Oh for the love of dog, what a moron.   The newsletter back in spring, clearly has all the details, can she not read?  At this point I don't know if she is actually that dense or is she really losing it?  is she on drugs?  one never knows with her what is pure disorganization and inept or laziness.   

At this point he emails back:  "Provide me with the forms that I'm to sign to allow him to travel internationally" (passport form not school form). She agrees to do this.  He sends not one, but two reminders over the following weeks (re sends the email with her agreement to do so).  Still nothing.  Then she goes to a school information meeting about the trip and says she will 'ask' about this.  Boss lady mom says that the school is not concerned and that everything is covered and that she signed a medical form in the presence of a notary which was also part of the meeting.  At this point we throw up our hands and decide that if son does not make it through gates, then it's her problem but that dad finally printed out the form and filled it out that son was to carry with him just as a precaution. 

DH contacts SS a few days before he is to leave and actually spoke on the phone, not text.  He wants to give him a hug (it's a 5 day trip and he's a young 13) before he goes and to give him some spending money in the currency of the country he's travelling to.  Just before this, we know my SD14 has a few days off of school and she is to spend it with us without her brother (yay) which is a nice break for her.  We decide that it would be nice for us to go away together and stay at a nice hotel (and to make things fair since her brother gets to go on a super big trip) at a touristy getaway place we like to visit about a couple hours away.  DH informs mumsy dearest of this and where we're staying (per the parent agreement).  If it weren't for the agreement I'd prefer she knew nothing of course, for our privacy reasons and for her to take a flying leap 'none of your bloody business what we do or where we take the kids' fantasy of mine.   Xw-pwBPD then sends DH an email suggesting that in lieu of not taking son with us (fudging son's disappointment in not having equal 'dad time' and missing out,  using her signature emotional blackmail manoeuvre but we see it for what it is) how about taking him 'out to dinner or something' on Wed night at 4:30 (he is leaving the following night).  In hindsight this becomes obvious because of her specifying the exact day and time... .hhmm... .our usual b.s.(borderline s***t) meter didn't kick in until later on.  This also comes after we inform her that we're taking daughter away on a fun trip by herself with us.  (Jealousy rears it's ugly head here at it's finest because of daughters close bond with her dad).   Poor girl probaby had to curtail her excitement not to piss mom off.

DH gets SS on the phone, asks if he is free on Wed at 4:30 pm, that he wants to come by his house and give him a  hug to say goodbye and to give him some spending money. (Sorry kid, you're going on a very nice trip and I'm not falling for mom's emotional blackmail and taking you out for dinner because you're so deprived).    SS doesn't say thank you but asks how much money it is.  I'm thinking:  oh please don't become like your mother! we have enough headaches.  SS says yes, he is available then.  We find out later that SS has had an after school club at this day and time since the beginning of the school year.  He somehow forgets this when he talked to his dad.  The next day he calls his dad (DH) and says can it be a bit later?, like 5:15 because he has his club.  Fine, 5:15 dad agrees. 

Hears the fun part.  My DH leaves early to fill up on gas for our road trip and is at their house precisely at the agreed time 5:15 pm.  Her car isn't there. Nobody's answering the door.  DH phones son.  "Hey, where are you? we agreed on this, remember?"   Son:  "UH, I'm getting my flu shot right now". (which is a good 1/2 hour away if not more with traffic)      Not only does mumsy dearest suggest this meeting and time she also knew full well about the club too. When son remembers and phones on his own to remind dad he won't be home at 4:30  she is probably thinking 'oh crap' that screws up my plan  so I'll deliberately stick a knife it the next attempt and try something like take sonny to the doctors for his flu shot that he should have gotten a month ago... .What a (fill in the blank)!  Oh isn't she a doll?

DH comes home, sits down, breathes, to tell me that son wasn't there.  I was like:  you are joking.    He told me that he told son on the phone if he wanted his money, mom has to drive over to my house, see ya.  So within 15 minutes we get this knock on our door.  I say:  are you kidding me, wow she can get him over here pretty damn fast if need be!... of course it has to do with money.  Son comes through the door with his tail between his legs and the first thing he says, "It's mom's fault"... .before my DH said anything.     I was standing in the hallway I did not say one word and just allowed the two of them to be alone I was pretty mad but didn't want to dump on kid because that's exactly what she'd want, that 'B'.   Before SS leaves I gave him a suitcase that I thought he could use and gave him a hug goodbye seeing mumsy outside waiting in the car.  She parked across the street with her lights off, but my DH said she was lucky she didn't come to the door with son (which she hasn't in years anyway) and I was like:  Yeah, then it would have been MY turn!  On top of the spending money my DH hands him the signed permission letter that is the one that dumbo mother should  have provided him a few weeks ago. It has nothing to do with the school, it's the government passport office.  Guess what?  I got to witness it.  Yes, she would get to see my name and signature on a form that son needs to have.  As a stepparent with virtually no authority when it comes to stuff like this,  you can't imagine how my feathers were puffed up (knowing full well how much she would resent having to see my name and signature on an official document).  I got a little dig in there.

Thanks for reading.  I'm over it now, but like I said, it never ceases to amaze me that whatever can be messed with, it will be messed with.  Even after a decade of this kind of crap and even now the kids are older and more than aware of things... .Dare to dream of peace. 

Cheers,
Klera 

[Klera]

I just felt like sharing this.  I think the message here is it doesn't matter how many  years you've dealt with (and/or supported your DH) with a borderline mom's galling behaviour they never fail to do what they do best. Meddle and interfere at any opportunity. Particularly when it's something good that dad does for his kids it must be messed with. 

Recently my SS13 had a school trip which involved border crossing internationally. 

The deal with his passport is that both parents need to give permission to travel, not just mumsy dearest who is the primary full time parent.   I'd also like to add that over the years, dad (my DH) has overcome being shut out/selective info sharing  and discrimination from the kids' schools which tend to only deal with the moms (pwBPD) and her 'I'm the boss of these kids and you only deal with me, not their dad' b.s. she tried to pull off when they were young.  Both of my stepkids are now in junior high which, thank the universe, has changed this game.    With the help of modern tools like the internet, dad has developed keen skills on keeping track of and up to date with everything having to do with school stuff, events, newsletters, bulletins, grades, classes, attendance etc. 

Going back to the beginning of arrangements for this school trip a few weeks ago, we get in an email:  "He's going (basically telling us), I am dealing with the forms (oh really, this should be interesting), please pay half"  The parental agreement states that DH can decide if he pays for school trips over $500 but it's not mandatory, it's his discretion. BTW he pays their tuition at private schools and all the tidings and accounts.  These kinds of trips are extra and this one was quite a biggy.   My sore spot is when the ex-wife flashes her plump greedy palm in entitlement (she tries to get half all the time and she is not hurting financially by any stretch of the imagination since she sold the family home she got in the divorce, she thrives on the opportunities to do this).

Once she informed DH of this school trip officially, we did know something about the planning of it last spring and that turns out a deposit was supposed to have been made back in May but we didn't know if son was going until the beginning of school.  Interesting.  We were told in the summer by son that he wasn't going (it's band) and not interested.  Hmm... .The school year starts and DH was asking him about it. Suddenly he is keen on going as mumsy was probably behind deciding for him.   When she initially sent the 'he's going' email and demanding cheque for 1/2 to be enclosed with next kid exchange, she tells DH that she has already made the deposit.  Really.  Stupidly, she encloses an email she sent to the school saying she 'forgot about sending the deposit cheque (with son to take to school) and 'whom does she make it out to'?  Oh for the love of dog, what a moron.   The newsletter back in spring, clearly has all the details, can she not read?  At this point I don't know if she is actually that dense or is she really losing it?  is she on drugs?  one never knows with her what is pure disorganization and inept or laziness.   

At this point he emails back:  "Provide me with the forms that I'm to sign to allow him to travel internationally" (passport form not school form). She agrees to do this.  He sends not one, but two reminders over the following weeks (re sends the email with her agreement to do so).  Still nothing.  Then she goes to a school information meeting about the trip and says she will 'ask' about this.  Boss lady mom says that the school is not concerned and that everything is covered and that she signed a medical form in the presence of a notary which was also part of the meeting.  At this point we throw up our hands and decide that if son does not make it through gates, then it's her problem but that dad finally printed out the form and filled it out that son was to carry with him just as a precaution. 

DH contacts SS a few days before he is to leave and actually spoke on the phone, not text.  He wants to give him a hug (it's a 5 day trip and he's a young 13) before he goes and to give him some spending money in the currency of the country he's travelling to.  Just before this, we know my SD14 has a few days off of school and she is to spend it with us without her brother (yay) which is a nice break for her.  We decide that it would be nice for us to go away together and stay at a nice hotel (and to make things fair since her brother gets to go on a super big trip) at a touristy getaway place we like to visit about a couple hours away.  DH informs mumsy dearest of this and where we're staying (per the parent agreement).  If it weren't for the agreement I'd prefer she knew nothing of course, for our privacy reasons and for her to take a flying leap 'none of your bloody business what we do or where we take the kids' fantasy of mine.   Xw-pwBPD then sends DH an email suggesting that in lieu of not taking son with us (fudging son's disappointment in not having equal 'dad time' and missing out,  using her signature emotional blackmail manoeuvre but we see it for what it is) how about taking him 'out to dinner or something' on Wed night at 4:30 (he is leaving the following night).  In hindsight this becomes obvious because of her specifying the exact day and time... .hhmm... .our usual b.s.(borderline s***t) meter didn't kick in until later on.  This also comes after we inform her that we're taking daughter away on a fun trip by herself with us.  (Jealousy rears it's ugly head here at it's finest because of daughters close bond with her dad).   Poor girl probaby had to curtail her excitement not to piss mom off.

DH gets SS on the phone, asks if he is free on Wed at 4:30 pm, that he wants to come by his house and give him a  hug to say goodbye and to give him some spending money. (Sorry kid, you're going on a very nice trip and I'm not falling for mom's emotional blackmail and taking you out for dinner because you're so deprived).    SS doesn't say thank you but asks how much money it is.  I'm thinking:  oh please don't become like your mother! we have enough headaches.  SS says yes, he is available then.  We find out later that SS has had an after school club at this day and time since the beginning of the school year.  He somehow forgets this when he talked to his dad.  The next day he calls his dad (DH) and says can it be a bit later?, like 5:15 because he has his club.  Fine, 5:15 dad agrees. 

Hears the fun part.  My DH leaves early to fill up on gas for our road trip and is at their house precisely at the agreed time 5:15 pm.  Her car isn't there. Nobody's answering the door.  DH phones son.  "Hey, where are you? we agreed on this, remember?"   Son:  "UH, I'm getting my flu shot right now". (which is a good 1/2 hour away if not more with traffic)      Not only does mumsy dearest suggest this meeting and time she also knew full well about the club too. When son remembers and phones on his own to remind dad he won't be home at 4:30  she is probably thinking 'oh crap' that screws up my plan  so I'll deliberately stick a knife it the next attempt and try something like take sonny to the doctors for his flu shot that he should have gotten a month ago... .What a (fill in the blank)!  Oh isn't she a doll?

DH comes home, sits down, breathes, to tell me that son wasn't there.  I was like:  you are joking.    He told me that he told son on the phone if he wanted his money, mom has to drive over to my house, see ya.  So within 15 minutes we get this knock on our door.  I say:  are you kidding me, wow she can get him over here pretty damn fast if need be!... of course it has to do with money.  Son comes through the door with his tail between his legs and the first thing he says, "It's mom's fault"... .before my DH said anything.     I was standing in the hallway I did not say one word and just allowed the two of them to be alone I was pretty mad but didn't want to dump on kid because that's exactly what she'd want, that 'B'.   Before SS leaves I gave him a suitcase that I thought he could use and gave him a hug goodbye seeing mumsy outside waiting in the car.  She parked across the street with her lights off, but my DH said she was lucky she didn't come to the door with son (which she hasn't in years anyway) and I was like:  Yeah, then it would have been MY turn!  On top of the spending money my DH hands him the signed permission letter that is the one that dumbo mother should  have provided him a few weeks ago. It has nothing to do with the school, it's the government passport office.  Guess what?  I got to witness it.  Yes, she would get to see my name and signature on a form that son needs to have.  As a stepparent with virtually no authority when it comes to stuff like this,  you can't imagine how my feathers were puffed up (knowing full well how much she would resent having to see my name and signature on an official document).  I got a little dig in there.

Thanks for reading.  I'm over it now, but like I said, it never ceases to amaze me that whatever can be messed with, it will be messed with.  Even after a decade of this kind of crap and even now the kids are older and more than aware of things... .Dare to dream of peace. 

Cheers,
Klera