So tired and lost

[Happylost]

I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years now, married just over a year.  My husband has always been this crazy roller coaster of emotion, resulting in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moments... .too many to count! I feel like I've tried everything to try and fix/save this relationship but I'm so tired and disconnected. 

Here's an example of a resent issue.  I invited my dad for dinner and during the day my husband and I were cleaning and we got to talking about things around the house, which resulted in some things that drive me crazy, which resulted in him taking it all as a personal attack and then the argument began.  As soon as it starts to escalate now I check out immediately, I want nothing more than to have nothing to do with him.  Which of course makes it worse.  So I stay calm and he rages out.  Through the day he decided to take my wedding bands from me because I had taken them off to make dinner, and told me I didn't need them anymore.  He also was not only in the house when my dad arrived but refused to come down for dinner.  Oh my goodness, it's all so much and so ridiculous and childish!

We run a business together and lately due to the lack of stability in our relationship I've started looking for a job.  Telling him it's just something I need to do and that I'm not thinking it's the end of us but I need some sort of stability and if we work things out down the road, maybe we can focus on the business full time together again.  It has turned into being all about him, not us or what I'm feeling or needing.  It's been unbearable to live with him.  He tries desperately to stop me and when he doesn't get his way the drama begins.

I'm so conflicted.  It hurts so much to see him hurt so badly.  I want to hug him, hold him, console him and tell him how much I love him, but then I think we're just going to end up back in this spot again... .and again... .and again!  I wonder if he really hurts or if it's a show to get me where he wants me to be.  I don't want him to hurt but I can't continue living this chaotic lifestyle.  I feel like it's taking a toll on my health and well being... .and honestly I've learned to distance myself from all of it so we really don't have much of a relationship anymore.    Oh, side note he also smokes weed, everyday... .multiple times a day and when I figured it out spends approximately $300 a month on beer.  In the last couple of days he's stopped drinking beer but if things were to get to a good point there's not a single doubt in my mind it would start back up.  I have the odd drink once in a while and do not do drugs and have no use for them, I also am very health conscious.  So, we have zero intimacy now because I told him I'm tired of compromising myself.

Anyway, enough rambling!  I would love any words of wisdom or thoughts.  I'm really at a point where I need support and/or guidance... .anything would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HL, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  It is exhausting, isn't it?  I can relate as I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years.  I suggest you return the focus to yourself.  Treat yourself well.  Take time out on your own to recharge your batteries.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Keep in touch w/Family and close friends in order to avoid getting isolated and to keep things in perspective.  Try to figure out the right path for YOU.  Acknowledge, rather than deny, your feelings -- they are part of you.  Keep good boundaries and avoid JADE-ing (see Tools Button above).  Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation & guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates a Non.

OK, that's a lot for you to think about!

LuckyJim

[Happylost]

Thank you so much, I will have a look at the tools suggested.  I definitely have fear, obligation and guilt... .and yes it really is so exhausting. 

I have a daughter from a previous marriage where I became a widow.  My daughter and I are very close and last night she thought he was in a bad mood and came to check on me and asked me to sleep with her because he makes her uncomfortable when he's in a bad mood.  He's never been physical but that was a real turning point for me.

I think the right path for me is to leave but then I see the "good" part of him and I see him struggle and in so much pain and I think don't all relationships have issues, struggles, hard times... .am I just overreacting?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Happylost, No, in my view you're not overreacting.  Most people have no idea what it's like on the inside of a BPD r/s because it's way beyond anything they have ever encountered, so I think such comparisons are misleading.  Normal "issues, struggles and hard times" bear little resemblance to the turmoil, drama and abuse of a BPD r/s.

I share your concerns about the impact of your H's anger on your D.  It seems like your D is walking on eggshells when he is in a bad mood. 

Your gut is telling you something important about the right path for you.  I ignored my gut and it led to a lot of pain and suffering.

LJ

[LameLemer]

I think the right path for me is to leave but then I see the "good" part of him and I see him struggle and in so much pain and I think don't all relationships have issues, struggles, hard times... .am I just overreacting?

I don't think you're over-reacting. I lived the first 10 months of marriage thinking I was over-reacting. But then I started reaching out to family, found out about BPD as a possible explanation, started seeing a therapist, and started reading these boards. The fact that you're asking questions and looking for advice I think is proof that you're not overreacting--you're just trying to understand.

I'm so sorry you have this challenge in your life. Experiencing my own version with my uBPDw, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I hope we both find solace and inspiration in these boards.

[Happylost]

Thank you Lucky Jim, my gut is telling me something and I'm trying not to get clouded in guilt and fear and follow it.  It's very difficult to stay focused when he sees it going down hill and turns on the charm.  I've been trying to constantly remind myself of what happens once he thinks I'm back in a good place... .eggshells all over!

LameLemer, thank you so much and yes I really am trying to understand.  I guess I think a lot about how he can be so wonderful and there was always that hope that Mr. Wonderful would just stick around and things would get better.  The longer we are in this relationship the more I understand that's likely never going to happen.  It's sad but somehow freeing. 

I'm sorry to hear you also are struggling, I agree I wouldn't wish this on anyone either... .the BPD or non-BPD.  I also hope you find solace and inspiration here.  It's nice to know I may not be crazy after all.  I am so tired, I have been looking for work for over a month now with no interviews.  I am prepared to leave but I need an income first.