My Son is Being Emotionally Hurt

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Really thought things were going well with my kids but had a speedbump this holiday weekend.

My daughter went through counseling with the goal being to equip her mentally and emotionally to handle her mother if/when she became a focus of mom's attention, BPD-wise and divorce-poison wise.  My daughter who is ten has really handled it well with some early validation and exercises to prevent mom from convincing her I was a bad person.  She is doing very well and prefers to spend time with me over her mother, whom she loves but... .I think my daughter has reasoned out at a young age that her mother is up to mind games.

My son is almost 14.  When my daughter went to counseling, my son went too... .but after the first meeting with the counselor, the counselor felt that he would do very well without further efforts.  In essence, he was well-adjusted to the idea of divorce and as my daughter was the target of my exBPDw's emotional neediness, the counselor felt he was out of the fray.

This weekend my son had a meltdown of sorts.  He is a teen who has become a little quiet and doesn't share much about his personal life, which I am told is normal... .but it isn't for lack of me trying to find out how he is feeling day to day.  He was upset after my 1 year girlfriend and her young son showed up, when my whole family was together.  I truly understood that because his grandfather was giving some attention to my girlfriend's son (as was everyone who wanted them to feel welcome).  I went to privately talk to my son and held him while he explained that he was upset by my girlfriend's son.  I assured him in every way possible about our relationship after validating how he felt about the situation.  I felt that part went well.  It turned out that when I asked him what else was wrong however, he said that his mother was being horrible and constantly bad-mouthing me and my girlfriend and my family, accusing us all of ruining her life etc.  He said he was sick of constantly hearing it.  He let me know that it was creating stress and conflict in his head.  Most of you here know this feeling.  We had dealt with this earlier in the divorce when I finally moved out with 50/50 childcare, and I encouraged him to politely yet firmly ask his mother to stop that talk as soon as it started because it hurt his feelings.  I'm not sure he ever was able to and now it appears that he is really struggling with this.  I got the feeling he dreads the negativity in much the same way that I did as her husband.  I did share some things about this and validated his feelings; we talked about what is the right way to talk about a family member to others and what is real and true in our relationships.  I talked to him about some family history as well as explaining to him that his mother saw people as either really good or really bad, never in between... .and how that related to me.

I'm not sure what else to do but get him to the counselor.  This is really disappointing to see him hurting because of her.  Not sure if anyone has any tips here.

[Torched]

Really thought things were going well with my kids but had a speedbump this holiday weekend.

My daughter went through counseling with the goal being to equip her mentally and emotionally to handle her mother if/when she became a focus of mom's attention, BPD-wise and divorce-poison wise.  My daughter who is ten has really handled it well with some early validation and exercises to prevent mom from convincing her I was a bad person.  She is doing very well and prefers to spend time with me over her mother, whom she loves but... .I think my daughter has reasoned out at a young age that her mother is up to mind games.

My son is almost 14.  When my daughter went to counseling, my son went too... .but after the first meeting with the counselor, the counselor felt that he would do very well without further efforts.  In essence, he was well-adjusted to the idea of divorce and as my daughter was the target of my exBPDw's emotional neediness, the counselor felt he was out of the fray.

This weekend my son had a meltdown of sorts.  He is a teen who has become a little quiet and doesn't share much about his personal life, which I am told is normal... .but it isn't for lack of me trying to find out how he is feeling day to day.  He was upset after my 1 year girlfriend and her young son showed up, when my whole family was together.  I truly understood that because his grandfather was giving some attention to my girlfriend's son (as was everyone who wanted them to feel welcome).  I went to privately talk to my son and held him while he explained that he was upset by my girlfriend's son.  I assured him in every way possible about our relationship after validating how he felt about the situation.  I felt that part went well.  It turned out that when I asked him what else was wrong however, he said that his mother was being horrible and constantly bad-mouthing me and my girlfriend and my family, accusing us all of ruining her life etc.  He said he was sick of constantly hearing it.  He let me know that it was creating stress and conflict in his head.  Most of you here know this feeling.  We had dealt with this earlier in the divorce when I finally moved out with 50/50 childcare, and I encouraged him to politely yet firmly ask his mother to stop that talk as soon as it started because it hurt his feelings.  I'm not sure he ever was able to and now it appears that he is really struggling with this.  I got the feeling he dreads the negativity in much the same way that I did as her husband.  I did share some things about this and validated his feelings; we talked about what is the right way to talk about a family member to others and what is real and true in our relationships.  I talked to him about some family history as well as explaining to him that his mother saw people as either really good or really bad, never in between... .and how that related to me.

I'm not sure what else to do but get him to the counselor.  This is really disappointing to see him hurting because of her.  Not sure if anyone has any tips here.

[takingandsending]

Hey, Torched.

You did the things that you can do for your son - you validated his feelings/experience, you let him know you have his back - that he comes first in your life, you related your own experiences in a way that reflects his. I wish there was a way to immunize our kids to a BPD parent. I would rethink the need for counseling for him. Basically, he needs a secure, consistent attachment that is not a parent in his life so that he has a place to outlet his daily stress. It's tough on kids in any divorce. Our high conflict relationships are that much worse.

My S12 has melt downs fairly often. Big thing for me is to not judge him, let him know that big feelings happen and give him some boundaries around how those feelings can be expressed. And I do my best to not bash his mom, but I can only hold up my half of the parenting. It's hard for our children and really unfair. Wish I had better answers for you.

[kells76]

Hi again Torched;

You did good there -- I'm with takingandsending on that. And I think you had an important realization:

I encouraged him to politely yet firmly ask his mother to stop that talk as soon as it started because it hurt his feelings.  I'm not sure he ever was able to and now it appears that he is really struggling with this.  I got the feeling he dreads the negativity in much the same way that I did as her husband... .

This reminds me of something Livednlearned said about her son (LnL, correct me if I get this wrong please!) -- that at one point they had talked about skills/self-care steps he could take if/when his dad got too intense, like Son could leave and go to a neighbor's house. Instead, the way it turned out was that was too much for Son to do, but the coping mechanism he was able to do at that age was to pretend to be asleep while his dad got intense.

So, I'm wondering if you learned that while your son has a good head on his shoulders, and is able to tell you a lot about what Mom is doing (which is really good), it might just be too much for him at this age/stage to stand up for himself to Mom by being assertive with her. In fact, it's often hard for us as adults to stand up assertively to other disordered adults -- at least, it is for me.

Are there other coping mechanisms that he is doing pretty well?

And yeah, same as TaS, counseling sounds like a good place for him to keep getting neutral support and maybe some brainstorming about ways to deal with Mom where instead of him feeling stressed out about not being able to do it, he can find a new way that is healthy and he can feel successful about. I really know the feeling of not knowing what else to do for the kids besides wait for counseling... .really, really there with you.

[Torched]

Thanks for the thoughts.

I took him to my D10’s counselor today.  The counselor really did a great job with my D10, who was struggling a year ago with the same issues.  Today the counselor asked my D10 and I to sit in while she interviewed my S13 about how he was feeling and why he was there.

He was fairly forthcoming.  My D10 also added a little.  While they are fairly upset about their mom’s at-home bashing, it turned out that they both are most upset by her behavior in public when I am in the same place (school functions etc).  Their mother does what she always did to my parents and sister:  she acts nauseated, makes faces, and becomes extremely uncomfortable.  She then turns her body away from the people she is stressed by/dislikes to show extreme displeasure.

Most of mom’s behaviors are more subtle, but when it comes to physical posturing, subtle is easily picked up.  I used to dread it and hated the humiliation and fake shame that she created in me about my family.  Now my kids are experiencing it.

When the counselor finished hearing my S13 say this, she said “That hurts, doesn’t it?  Because it’s unfair.”  He didn’t understand what she was saying.  I think he thought it meant it was unfair to me.  He didn’t realize that it is actually 100% unfair to him as our child to be forced to feel that way about his parent.  He doesn’t understand that it is abusive.  I can’t blame him because I didn’t realize it for 12 years as an adult.

[takingandsending]

Torched,

It's cool that D10's T is willing to allow your S13 to sit in and participate. My S12's T will not see my S6 because she's concerned that S12's emotional need for an advocate/friend is so strong that he may feel jealous and threatened is she were to see S6. I appreciate that she's looking out for his interest, but I still don't have a T for S6, who is kind of losing out.

Kids normalize adult behaviors. They have to. Your S13 is normalizing his mom's behaviors. It is wonderful that he can express at all that they make him uncomfortable/upset. My S12 can't do that at this point. But like you say, it's not too surprising that he can't equate it to being harmful to him. Kids need their parents, and admitting that their parents' behaviors aren't always in their interest is a very vulnerable and scary place to live. Instead, kids try to reconcile the actions of their parents with their own actions and make some sort of equivalency, like mom did this because I am this. That's the stuff that we, as at least slightly rational adults, must try to help them through. Validating questions like your daughter's T asked can help them begin to unravel those layers of normalizing that they have been compelled to do just to create some semblance of sense or order in living with a disordered parent. I so wish it were easier on them. I wish it had been easier on me as a kid. Totally hurts to watch my kids go through this. But keep doing what you are doing, each moment that you can. Show up for them, validate their experiences as they come, validate their feelings, and just keep trying to give them tools. They can't help but have a better chance for that.

[Torched]

[Instead, kids try to reconcile the actions of their parents with their own actions and make some sort of equivalency, like mom did this because I am this/quote]

This makes a bit of sense based on something he said to her which I was shocked by.  He told her he felt like he wasn’t measuring up and was a failure.  My son whom I love so much is a straight A student, enjoys sports, social life, friendships, family... .it all comes fairly easy for him.  I tell him every day how much I love him, how proud I am of him, how I’d be proud even if he wasn’t all of these things because of who he is.

To hear him say this was like being stabbed.  He also couldn’t say why he felt that way... .so what you are saying starts to make sense to me on a BPD level.  His mom’s behaviours hurt that part of him that loves me/is me... .therefore, he feels like a horrible person every time his mother acts/says that I am a horrible person.  This is really awful.

[Torched]

Latest update.

My exBPDw has texted me angry about the appointment with the counselor.  I didn’t tell her as the divorce decree is a little vague about non-medical issues and I didn’t want her to give my S13 a hard time, yet.

The text was typical BPD bs.

[Torched]

She called me a “shady PIG!” And followed up with... .well, nothing.  She doesn’t really care that he is in counseling and didn’t even want to know why/how he ended up needing to see the counselor.  She is a high functioning, really intelligent woman so I know that she has likely interrogated it out of him.  I’m now just upset because he so needs to work on some tools with this counselor and his mother is now manipulating him by FOG concerning his loyalty to her.  Poor kid.  I’m trying to stay calm about it; after all, there isn’t much I can do right now other than wait and make the most of my time the next two weeks with them.  I don’t want their time with me to be uncomfortable or drama filled either... .so I don’t want to go overboard talking about it with him.

[takingandsending]

Torched,

It's definitely pretty sad. Perhaps consider using S.E.T. with your son - let him know you are on his side, that it feels confusing when two parents disagree, and that even you need help to sort out your feelings. Then suggest he probably will feel a lot better with someone helping him sort his feelings out - some besides mom or dad.

Could an approach like that work? Not overboard but just steady, calm and reasoning without pressure?