He wants me gone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've only recently started to understand this personality disorder and the all consuming nature of the moods.
I have been married to my husband for 18 years, and for the majority of that time have tried to have myself seen by him. Clearly not something that was ever going to happen but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, and looking at myself as being flawed, as he would say. Sacrificed the self for the relationship, so to speak.
We live on Marthas Vineyard, and I moved here from Montreal to be with him, though it was supposed to be a stepping stone. We've known each other since childhood and when we got together he was in his 3rd year of recovery from heroin addiction.
I wanted to believe in the magic that brought us back together, and he had this wondrous childlike view of the world that enchanted me. He assured me that we would not be here forever, as I said that I didn't think I could do it... .its very isolated and small, versus the culturally diverse city of Montreal that is my hometown.
After a couple of years of him insisting and pretending that we would go (his whole family lives here, parents siblings... .) I walked around telling people that I was just here temporarily, and believed it wholeheartedly, believed in him.
When I became pregnant the somewhat passive ignoring of my feelings and concerns became a full effort to establish roots and a life here. I went into therapy from 1X per week to 3, ended up on some crazy cocktail of medication just to be able to get out of bed. I felt so tricked but also was consistently told that I was ungrateful and a negative person. I think I spent the first years of our marriage in total denial of what was happening, and just wanted to be happy and fulfilled with him. In his recovery circle they would say that I wasn't working my steps, which he would encourage and refer to as the answer to everything. I was deeply involved for years despite none of it resonating with me, and just wanting to have something with him. Again, I can see where I sacrificed, and wish that I could go back and hold my ground or at least understand what I was dealing with. He had not been unkind, just insistent that I was deeply flawed and had a spiritual void... .
I adapted to his vibe, seeing his insecurity and feeling his need to be important and successful in the eyes of others. I became the perfect mate, supporting him and allowing him the room every night when he came home. In order to diffuse my own conflicted feelings I started my own business, then a couple of years later started another. He meanwhile had been building an empire and needed every spare minute for himself. If he wasn't working then he was off fishing, as he worked so hard. It was impossible to get his attention, and my own businesses just became what I did while I was waiting for him to become available.
We have a teenage daughter who we both dote on, and who has been my greatest achievement. She has made every minute of this baffling life worthwhile, and I did feel a sense of purpose, at least to her.
I think if I had a better understanding of my husbands personality disorder that I would not have made the choices that I did, last year when I was feeling particularly ignored, patronized and alone.
The internet is a slippery slope, and I connected with an old friend on facebook that became a relationship. He was 400 miles away, and I felt safe from the potential inappropriateness of it as I did not expect to ever see him.
SO when you are neglected and diminished by your partner over years, the vulnerabiltiy to connect becomes a preexisting condition. I am not making excuses, simply saying that I was so undervalued that I think it was just a matter of time before someone came along and saw an opportunity.
The affair was very shortlived, but was discovered and ultimately has lead us into hell. If I thought that he was going to wake up and say "hey, I better smarten up or I might lose her" I had another thing coming. Thus began this last most extreme chapter of our relationship. It has been 14 months of shaming, divorce papers, getting thrown out of the house, being asked to come back, couples counseling, weekend intensives that were solely based on my betrayal, and ultimately living apart. I could have some acceptance if he hadn't taken my child, furniture and dogs. If he hadn't kept trying to woo me back, then throw me out. Every time I get better, think I have cried all that I can, think I have come to the end of the road, he lures me back in. Recently it has been about putting our family back together. I of course want to believe him, and quickly forget his limitations. I need help. He is living with my daughter and I have been out of the house for 3 months. She is finally starting to feel safe, as the volatility of the last year is settled and she is not witnessing his hostility, crying fits and name calling. Unfortunately that behavior I am describing is now associated with me. As in I am the cause. She has become so protective of him, wanting to keep me away to show her alliance. Obviously this is so incredibly painful for me, and I cannot just walk away. I am living in a rental apartment, the cost of housing here is astronomical, and he and she live together as if I never mattered. It is so hard to imagine that someone to whom I gave 20 years of my life, wants to dispose of me like the trash. HE is calling all the shots, tells me when he wants me and when he wants me gone. Ultimately he is harming my daughter and alienating her from me, but refuses to look at it.
He does not have any other healthy mature relationships , is alienated from his family though he does continue to have some people in recovery that he turns to, most 1/2 his age.

[forwardtime]

I've only recently started to understand this personality disorder and the all consuming nature of the moods.
I have been married to my husband for 18 years, and for the majority of that time have tried to have myself seen by him. Clearly not something that was ever going to happen but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, and looking at myself as being flawed, as he would say. Sacrificed the self for the relationship, so to speak.
We live on Marthas Vineyard, and I moved here from Montreal to be with him, though it was supposed to be a stepping stone. We've known each other since childhood and when we got together he was in his 3rd year of recovery from heroin addiction.
I wanted to believe in the magic that brought us back together, and he had this wondrous childlike view of the world that enchanted me. He assured me that we would not be here forever, as I said that I didn't think I could do it... .its very isolated and small, versus the culturally diverse city of Montreal that is my hometown.
After a couple of years of him insisting and pretending that we would go (his whole family lives here, parents siblings... .) I walked around telling people that I was just here temporarily, and believed it wholeheartedly, believed in him.
When I became pregnant the somewhat passive ignoring of my feelings and concerns became a full effort to establish roots and a life here. I went into therapy from 1X per week to 3, ended up on some crazy cocktail of medication just to be able to get out of bed. I felt so tricked but also was consistently told that I was ungrateful and a negative person. I think I spent the first years of our marriage in total denial of what was happening, and just wanted to be happy and fulfilled with him. In his recovery circle they would say that I wasn't working my steps, which he would encourage and refer to as the answer to everything. I was deeply involved for years despite none of it resonating with me, and just wanting to have something with him. Again, I can see where I sacrificed, and wish that I could go back and hold my ground or at least understand what I was dealing with. He had not been unkind, just insistent that I was deeply flawed and had a spiritual void... .
I adapted to his vibe, seeing his insecurity and feeling his need to be important and successful in the eyes of others. I became the perfect mate, supporting him and allowing him the room every night when he came home. In order to diffuse my own conflicted feelings I started my own business, then a couple of years later started another. He meanwhile had been building an empire and needed every spare minute for himself. If he wasn't working then he was off fishing, as he worked so hard. It was impossible to get his attention, and my own businesses just became what I did while I was waiting for him to become available.
We have a teenage daughter who we both dote on, and who has been my greatest achievement. She has made every minute of this baffling life worthwhile, and I did feel a sense of purpose, at least to her.
I think if I had a better understanding of my husbands personality disorder that I would not have made the choices that I did, last year when I was feeling particularly ignored, patronized and alone.
The internet is a slippery slope, and I connected with an old friend on facebook that became a relationship. He was 400 miles away, and I felt safe from the potential inappropriateness of it as I did not expect to ever see him.
SO when you are neglected and diminished by your partner over years, the vulnerabiltiy to connect becomes a preexisting condition. I am not making excuses, simply saying that I was so undervalued that I think it was just a matter of time before someone came along and saw an opportunity.
The affair was very shortlived, but was discovered and ultimately has lead us into hell. If I thought that he was going to wake up and say "hey, I better smarten up or I might lose her" I had another thing coming. Thus began this last most extreme chapter of our relationship. It has been 14 months of shaming, divorce papers, getting thrown out of the house, being asked to come back, couples counseling, weekend intensives that were solely based on my betrayal, and ultimately living apart. I could have some acceptance if he hadn't taken my child, furniture and dogs. If he hadn't kept trying to woo me back, then throw me out. Every time I get better, think I have cried all that I can, think I have come to the end of the road, he lures me back in. Recently it has been about putting our family back together. I of course want to believe him, and quickly forget his limitations. I need help. He is living with my daughter and I have been out of the house for 3 months. She is finally starting to feel safe, as the volatility of the last year is settled and she is not witnessing his hostility, crying fits and name calling. Unfortunately that behavior I am describing is now associated with me. As in I am the cause. She has become so protective of him, wanting to keep me away to show her alliance. Obviously this is so incredibly painful for me, and I cannot just walk away. I am living in a rental apartment, the cost of housing here is astronomical, and he and she live together as if I never mattered. It is so hard to imagine that someone to whom I gave 20 years of my life, wants to dispose of me like the trash. HE is calling all the shots, tells me when he wants me and when he wants me gone. Ultimately he is harming my daughter and alienating her from me, but refuses to look at it.
He does not have any other healthy mature relationships , is alienated from his family though he does continue to have some people in recovery that he turns to, most 1/2 his age.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi forwardtime and welcome  

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  It must have been very difficult for you finding yourself in the situation where you felt effectively trapped somewhere you'd thought was temporary in order to remain with your H.  :)o you believe he has BPD or traits?  It certainly sounds like your life had to revolve around his needs which is very common in disordered relationships.  That's really tough and it's easy to see how someone else could come along and detect your feelings of vulnerability and show you that you can be seen.  :)on't beat yourself up over this.  It highlights how you were feeling and why.  Ultimately there were problems in your marriage - for YOU - even if your H refused to see it.  Have you ever been able to talk to him properly about any of this?  It sounds as though he has difficulty accepting that he could be responsible for anything and projects all the blame onto you.  That's really hard to deal with.  I want to say that you are clearly one tough cookie to have coped with all of this for so long and also that I'm so glad you reached out.  I'm pleased you're now seeking help for yourself and you've come to the right place.  You'll be understood here and certainly won't be judged.

At this point in time, what would you say is your biggest priority?  Would it be to salvage the relationship with your husband, to detach and heal from the r/s, and / or to save and repair the r/s with your daughter?  I'm so sorry to hear of the parental alienation that is going on there and I am hopeful that with the right help and support you can stop that in it's tracks.  What other support do you have?  Friends/family/therapist/any support services locally?

Do read all you can here and let us know how best we can support you at this time.  You will be heard here and we will be here for you.

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Hi forwardtime,

No judgement here. We've all been through a lot and are often pushed to our human limits when relating with our partners. I know before I realized my partner had BPD traits I was completely overwhelmed - none of my typical level headedness and crisis management skills seemed to work to keep things stable. I feel like I was exposed to truly unimaginable personal horrors. The more I become aware of what I am (most likely) dealing with here, with his mental health issues, the more I am able to manage, not every day, but better and better.

I can relate to your statement:

I think if I had a better understanding of my husbands personality disorder that I would not have made the choices that I did... .

  I always prided myself on being a pretty good partner, but after years and years of (completely confusing) being pushed away/pulled back, threatened in every possible way, told I was hated, not wanted, was not from the right culture/religion, could be violated in any way (he claimed to have the right to rape me), he threatened my health in various ways, etc., etc. you name it, I broke apart too. At one point I asked my h "How far would you have to push a person to have them go against a lifetime of who they are and what they believe in?" And yet, that is what happened to me. I will spend a long time recovering from this relationship, whether I am in it or not, but I'll be fine. I'm gonna keep pushing on somehow... .

But here we stand today. We are here to help support you as you recover yourself and find your footing again. I wish I had more to say about the legal ramifications of your situation. I am concerned that you are out of the house and what that might lead to for you and your rights regarding your daughter. Have you spoken with a lawyer and gotten a clear handle on your legal situation? Do you really have to be out of the house? Did you just do that as a concession to his anger and so your daughter wouldn't be exposed to so much fighting? Please be careful on this point because I don't want your rights to be damaged. There is also a Legal board you can post on on this site. Be sure to take a look!

Take care, pearlsw.

[forwardtime]

Thank you for the feedback and support. Yes I believe he has BPD with Narcissistic behavior thrown in for good measure.
I myself have been in therapy off and on for 25 years, trying to understand some of my own emotional baggage and self esteem issues. My mother is BPD and the neglect is a lingering wound. Of course I have pursued relationships with all kinds of people who are unable to meet my needs as a way of replaying the initial hurt, trying to resolve it in this lifetime.
This is the right place for me.
Intellectually I am aware of the limitations of my husband's empathy gene, and I think I continue to allow this back and forth dance because my own deep broken place is one of needing to be validated and loved. He has said that he loves me, however conditional that may be... .I have made all the expected adjustments to my personality to downplay anything threatening (opinions, direct confrontations, overt or obvious standing up for myself) its almost like there are 2 of me, the one he needs me to be to ensure his comfort, and the one I am in public and with my friends.
Right now my priority is with my daughter's safety and wellbeing. It is deeply painful for me as a caretaker to let the relationship with my husband end, but it is far more important to make sure that my child is ok. I worry about what kind of example I have been to her. More than that, I worry that she will be permanently stunted in some way. There is trauma for her as she has been privy to much of the drama over the past year.She in fact is the one who discovered and told him about the affair after reading some text messages of mine.Since then he has kept her abreast of our issues, often colluding with her on ways to bond over their mutual disgust for me. The whole thing is deeply disturbing and very difficult to process for me.
She sees me as the bad guy, just as he does. So though my relationship with her is authentic, she also feels betrayed by me. It is a very painful area of extreme guilt for me. The actual affair went on for a few months in texts and phone calls, but there was a 2 day physical relationship. I dont know exactly what she read, but no doubt it was terribly upsetting to her.
The reason that we now live apart is that we were in the process of selling our home and building a new one. My husband moved into the new one without me, I had broken a rule, by allowing the other man to send me periodic emails to make sure that I was ok. I hadn't even responded, but the no contact rule was broken and thats all that mattered. My husband threatened me if I tried to move into the new house, he would do something... .who knows what at this point, as he had already told everyone about my betrayal. He did so with some incredibly disturbing language and texted a friend of mine (amongst others) to say that I was a lying whore, please help spread the word. He also tells me that this type of thing has people killed, and that his response was reasonable. There has not ever been any accountability of this, certainly no apologies. When he asks me to come back (right before he tells me to get the F@#@# out) it is in his mind an offering of another chance, though he cannot maintain a reasonable disposition long enough to sustain any sort of reconciliation.  In this tiny community word travels fast, and that I betrayed him it has been public knowledge for over a year. He said a while ago that he would ruin me, and effectively he has.
My lawyer would love to get her teeth into this situation, but I have been holding off, hoping things would change.
The continued delusion of someone who has been waiting for change for 20 years... .
Its just that I know that once I get the legal aspect going there will be no turning back.
My daughter has 2 years left of high school before she goes out into the world (hopefully... .my worst nightmare being that she feels so responsible for him that she stays... .) and I every day that goes by without her feels like a loss. In this entire story she has really been the once saving grace.
So she is my priority, and everything else is secondary. I am meeting with a child psychologist today, someone I have seen a couple of times, to ask for some direction and advice.
I cannot tell you how glad I was to receive the responses to my post, thank you.