One (painful) week out. Clarity is scary.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In this ever changing whirlwind of BPD it is so hard to take a step back and see it for what it is.  To really see your significant other and how they act.  I'm posting this on the conflicting board as the r/s hasn't technically ended and I feel that there could be some good things to discuss for those still "stuck".

I took a brave step to move out last week and I would like to share with the community some of the things I learned and hear your own thoughts and experiences.  I may have learned some things, but I'm far from understanding them.

Enmeshment:  Wow, just wow on this one.  The only way to see this was to take a step out and it is mind boggling.  Her needs to be all encompassing are astounding.  Not just needing to be one, but be her.  I can see it that D16 is getting angry about her mother picking at her all the time to be "her" way.  Many of us have lost ourselves to having to be one with our pwBPD and it literally eats away at you.  I am criticized very harshly about asking to have honest "me" time.  I am told it is selfish and that the moment I decided to be a father an husband I gave up the right to put myself first.  When I ask her why me taking the kids for the day gives her such panic and strife she tells me that she does not want her own "me" time and her "me" time is "we" time.

Fear of abandonment: I think this goes hand in hand with the enmeshment but it presents itself differently.  Her fear of abandonment shakes her to her core.  It creates uncontrollable emotions.  I have seen threats, followed by begging, followed by anger, followed by panic attacks, followed by guilt trips... .  Any time she feels the reality of our relationship slipping away she is triggered to push whatever emotion she is feeling at the moment to the extreme.  This keeps me so off balance because responding to each of these feelings requires a different approach.  Do I need a fork or a spoon today... .?

Confusion:   I think this is where a caretaker personality can get in trouble.  This is the drama triangle.  She is clearly confused in how she feels and what she really wants.  Some days the shame and hurt feelings from her past are present and I want to be there to rescue.  Some days her anger towards things being different than she wants pushes her into the persecutor role because she knows I can easily slip into the victim role.  She then swaps to try and rescue me from being the victim, only to use that "rescue" as ammunition later to tell me how great she is and how much she "does it all".  Of course that enrages me because I know I work my tail off and I slide into the persecutor.  Even moving out it is REALLY hard to step out of this triangle.

Hurt:  She hurts, I hurt, BPD hurts.  The hurt and shame she feels has on a few occasions been shared and well articulated to me.  I can count on one hand the time in 17 years that she's let me peek behind the curtain and boy does it make you empathize with/for them.  We all carry our own baggage but hers is a truly painful lot.  But it also allows me to realize that I can feel bad for her, but there is no way on earth that I can fix those pains for her.  Part of what has broken down this relationship over the years is her resentment towards me for not fixing her pain.  The caretaker in me hates to see this and often feels guilty and depressed for not being able to fix it.  I now know this guilt of my own creation has been part of what has kept me locked in this r/s.

My role as the caretaker: Many have suggested great books and Stop Walking on Eggshells should be the first book, BPD101.  I wish I had not waited and made my second book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.  I'm only half way through and this book is more about my role and my half of the puzzle.  While Eggshells is great to help you understand what has just happened, Stop Caretaking is helping me step away.
One MAJOR thing I am understanding finally is how much my spouse needs me to be her caretaker.  I am also starting to understand that as I exit the caretaker role the r/s dynamics are changing and they do not work for her (and never will).  It is eye opening how much garbage I thought I had to deal with as my responsibility. Caring about is very different that caring for someone.  Sadly as I exit the role I find that there really hasn't been any love here for many years.  Just confused feelings of obligation and guilt, sprinkled in with just enough good times to keep it alive.

I'm sure there will be more to learn as I go.  Every time we can learn something, or figure out our role or take a step forward towards your goal(s) is a great thing.

Would love to hear how others are discovering these things.

[ozmatoz]

In this ever changing whirlwind of BPD it is so hard to take a step back and see it for what it is.  To really see your significant other and how they act.  I'm posting this on the conflicting board as the r/s hasn't technically ended and I feel that there could be some good things to discuss for those still "stuck".

I took a brave step to move out last week and I would like to share with the community some of the things I learned and hear your own thoughts and experiences.  I may have learned some things, but I'm far from understanding them.

Enmeshment:  Wow, just wow on this one.  The only way to see this was to take a step out and it is mind boggling.  Her needs to be all encompassing are astounding.  Not just needing to be one, but be her.  I can see it that D16 is getting angry about her mother picking at her all the time to be "her" way.  Many of us have lost ourselves to having to be one with our pwBPD and it literally eats away at you.  I am criticized very harshly about asking to have honest "me" time.  I am told it is selfish and that the moment I decided to be a father an husband I gave up the right to put myself first.  When I ask her why me taking the kids for the day gives her such panic and strife she tells me that she does not want her own "me" time and her "me" time is "we" time.

Fear of abandonment: I think this goes hand in hand with the enmeshment but it presents itself differently.  Her fear of abandonment shakes her to her core.  It creates uncontrollable emotions.  I have seen threats, followed by begging, followed by anger, followed by panic attacks, followed by guilt trips... .  Any time she feels the reality of our relationship slipping away she is triggered to push whatever emotion she is feeling at the moment to the extreme.  This keeps me so off balance because responding to each of these feelings requires a different approach.  Do I need a fork or a spoon today... .?

Confusion:   I think this is where a caretaker personality can get in trouble.  This is the drama triangle.  She is clearly confused in how she feels and what she really wants.  Some days the shame and hurt feelings from her past are present and I want to be there to rescue.  Some days her anger towards things being different than she wants pushes her into the persecutor role because she knows I can easily slip into the victim role.  She then swaps to try and rescue me from being the victim, only to use that "rescue" as ammunition later to tell me how great she is and how much she "does it all".  Of course that enrages me because I know I work my tail off and I slide into the persecutor.  Even moving out it is REALLY hard to step out of this triangle.

Hurt:  She hurts, I hurt, BPD hurts.  The hurt and shame she feels has on a few occasions been shared and well articulated to me.  I can count on one hand the time in 17 years that she's let me peek behind the curtain and boy does it make you empathize with/for them.  We all carry our own baggage but hers is a truly painful lot.  But it also allows me to realize that I can feel bad for her, but there is no way on earth that I can fix those pains for her.  Part of what has broken down this relationship over the years is her resentment towards me for not fixing her pain.  The caretaker in me hates to see this and often feels guilty and depressed for not being able to fix it.  I now know this guilt of my own creation has been part of what has kept me locked in this r/s.

My role as the caretaker: Many have suggested great books and Stop Walking on Eggshells should be the first book, BPD101.  I wish I had not waited and made my second book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.  I'm only half way through and this book is more about my role and my half of the puzzle.  While Eggshells is great to help you understand what has just happened, Stop Caretaking is helping me step away.
One MAJOR thing I am understanding finally is how much my spouse needs me to be her caretaker.  I am also starting to understand that as I exit the caretaker role the r/s dynamics are changing and they do not work for her (and never will).  It is eye opening how much garbage I thought I had to deal with as my responsibility. Caring about is very different that caring for someone.  Sadly as I exit the role I find that there really hasn't been any love here for many years.  Just confused feelings of obligation and guilt, sprinkled in with just enough good times to keep it alive.

I'm sure there will be more to learn as I go.  Every time we can learn something, or figure out our role or take a step forward towards your goal(s) is a great thing.

Would love to hear how others are discovering these things.

[pearlsw]

Hi ozmatoz,

This was very interesting and insightful! I appreciate you taking the time to write this out and share it with the community.  Since you have a child with your partner what is your plan going forward in terms of interacting with her may I ask?

Did you pick these themes because you are trying to sort out elements of your relationship? Or do you mean for others to look at these specific categories and see how/if they apply in their situations?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[formflier]

Confusion:   I think this is where a caretaker personality can get in trouble.  This is the drama triangle.  She is clearly confused in how she feels and what she really wants.  Some days the shame and hurt feelings from her past are present and I want to be there to rescue.  Some days her anger towards things being different than she wants pushes her into the persecutor role because she knows I can easily slip into the victim role.  She then swaps to try and rescue me from being the victim, only to use that "rescue" as ammunition later to tell me how great she is and how much she "does it all".  Of course that enrages me because I know I work my tail off and I slide into the persecutor.  Even moving out it is REALLY hard to step out of this triangle.
 

Wonderful list.  I am a huge fan of writing down my observations and then modifying and sorting them out in writing.

Keep up the good work.

I agree that looking at her "looks confusing" and "she appears confused".  Let me assure you she is likely not confused at all.

Big pause... big breath.  What I'm going to say next, will hopefully help you understand and build empathy for your wife.

At the moment your wife says or does the things she does... .she is not the least bit confused..  Furthermore, she likely can't remember "feeling" a different way.

Remember... .feelings equal facts...   Facts will often invalidate her feelings and something has to be done about the facts... .she usually does something dysfunctional with those facts.

Remember... .she doesn't "plan" or "plot" to feel this way.

Then, her feelings change VERY RAPIDLY.  Poof... .  And she has a hard time remembering why she said xyz a few hours ago, if she acknowledges she said it at all. 

Then... .poof

more poof

Wash rinse repeat.  You pretty much can understand what it is like to be a pwBPD.  Can you imagine how uncomfortable this type of life is?  Can you understand why she would want to "project" her feelings onto someone else.

Minimize your role in almost all of this.  You will save your energy and reduce your part in her dysfunction. 

Perhaps, perhaps... .once the temperature comes down some, you guys can take steps together, in a healthier direction.

FF