Struggling with improving a relationship

[Calliope1660]

First post here.

My girlfriend has been recently diagnosed with BPD and has within the last six months recovered from alcohol dependency. I have been slow on the draw to learn more about BPD to the point where it is causing major strain on our relationship. I have read through many of the articles relating to BPD within the site to try and get a better understanding of how to handle myself and anything that may pop up within our relationship. As I am reading more, I am learning and understanding why things happen and how they are happening, but I am not great at handling my reactions to things. It is hard for me to avoid getting upset or angry at times and I tend to focus on the negative for a while afterwards which is not helping her through anything she is struggling with.

I tend to focus on the negatives when it comes to money issues, alcohol use, and things said in heated arguments. I have been supporting her for a few months short of a year now and have been slowly falling behind financially while she has been focusing on recovery, finding work, and working on setting a steady therapy schedule. She recently started working 2 weeks ago and although I am aware that my financial situation is going to improve, I still tend to focus negatively on my finances and it is affecting my emotional well-being. She uses alcohol when she feels a manic state/phase starting to manifest and even if it might be helping her quell the panic, I get upset at the general use of alcohol because I am focused on the past abuse and what it might cause. During an argument I tend to lose my calm and feed into her anger; it's hard to avoid that thought process when I feel like I am being attacked. This usually happens because I don't understand the causes behind it and let the anger shut me off to further thought on it. I focus on the intentionally painful things said during a heated argument for long afterwards, even though I know it's said out of anger and isn't something she believes. This usually happens because I don't understand the causes behind it and let the anger shut me off to further thought on it

At the moment, I find myself only focusing on and expecting the negative outcomes while ignoring the positive things in our relationship.

It is hard for me to admit, but I feel that I am at a point where I need to find support for myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wolfgirl]

Please get support.   Friends, family.   It's hard to trust your instincts when in a FOG.    Therapy can also help. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi callipoe

I"m sorry that you are feeling such financial strain right now. It's harder to control our own emotions when we feel a lot of stress. I always remind myself not to expect perfection from myseling in handling situations that arise from my pwBPD. Us nons have a lifetime of creating these negative reactions (many of us have done the same things long before we met our pwBPD). It's not going to fix itself overnight.

It's great that you are looking at your own response because that really is the key to finding balance for yourself. We have a workshop on Triggering, Mindfulness, and Wisemind that might be able to help you start to get a grasp on your own reactions. Our pwBPD have this amazing way of pushing our buttons but if you can learn techniques to get yourself into a safe space, then it can take a lot of fuel out of the argument fire.

It sounds like your finances are creating quite a strain. How does the financial instability make you feel? What would you like to happen in your financial situation?

[Calliope1660]

Hi there Tattered Heart,

Sorry if any of this is a repeat, I have had a lot of time to think and read and it helps to put it all out there.

It has been rough, especially recently. I let myself get stuck in a rut where I was focusing on making it to the next paycheck each week, not paying attention to either of our emotional needs. It played a role in everything I did, affected when and where I could go with her or my friends. I went from being stable and no debt, to maxing my credit card out and delaying truck, credit card payments wherever and whenever I could without effecting my credit score. I went from looking to buy a house, to working an extra 10-20 hours each week. Money became my sole focus for us until we could get to where we are now. It seems that just before things were going to get better, it all started to fall apart.

I am prior military and planning is something I tend to do without realizing it, I know how my day is going to go before I start it. I don't like unknown variables and it plays a tole on me when something pops up. Knowing I cant afford anything more than what is happening now, I panic and get frustrated at any extra expenditure. I feel afraid of not being able to take care of someone I love, let alone taking care of myself if something were to happen. She has been using Kratom to mitigate anxiety until she is able to get into steady therapy and its been costing an average of 150$ every 2 weeks. I panic at the thought of driving to and from work because I know I cant afford to fix my truck if something were to happen, I cant afford a surprise medical bill when I have 20$ left at the end of each week. It has been like this for a few months now and it is something that happens even when I spend 2$ on a drink for her at the grocery store.

I would like to be able to slowly save something each week, put something away for emergencies, vacations, or that surprise gift every now and then. I would like to be comfortable again, knowing I would be able to handle something if it were to happen. I'd like to be at that point where my bills don't build anxiety throughout each week.


Wolfgirl,

My psychologist friends recommended going to Al-Anon meetings when I could, I planned going to a few meetings but something would pop up each time. Whether it be her need to go to work, lack of gas money to make the trip, or my need to do more hours during the week, something would come up. This was something I planned for the last month and have yet to make the meeting.

I think that all of this has lead us both to resent the stress we cause each other and how we have handled it.