Hard to stay sane

[atmywitsendtoo]

While my BPDD had had behavior problems her whole life and she has always held a great deal of anger toward me for no apparent reason it only got really severe when she became pregnant last December. Once that happened her hostility toward me became unbearable. It became apparent that she had absolutely no respect for me and she hammered away at me shining a spotlight at my real and imagined flaws. After having every wrong move I have ever made, every weakness and every flaw, thrown in my face for months on end due to her lack of patience and tolerance I have started to feel badly about myself in a way I have not experienced since I was very young. I feel beaten and battered and defeated and paralyzed and can get nothing done. She said unforgivable things to me that I forgave over and over again and she told big lies just to hurt me. I do not know how to recover from the many wounds left by her slings and arrows. At one point she ended a text with "I love you" and I replied that  that was hard to believe because she behaved as though she disliked me intensely. She had the baby now and she (the baby) is sweet as can be, but everything with my daughter is strained. She lives with us but she is now spending spans of days and nights with the baby's father and his family. She, I and her father go to family therapy and she goes to therapy on her own as well. I see a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression that runs in my family. It had been under control and successfully treated until all the stress brought on my by daughter's behavior. I am getting all the help I can possibly get but it does little to ease the pain, mental and physical as I can become plagued with somatic symptoms caused by stress. I cannot handle my job or my daughter or even the most mundane everyday responsibilities. I do not know how to be there for my daughter and the baby when she has so deeply hurt me, and not being there for them makes me feel even worse about myself. It is almost funny but the only thing I can focus on right now is knitting. I am very preoccupied with learning how to knit and knitting things for the baby. It is a coping mechanism to distract me from the pain. I do not drink or do drugs but boy do I knit. My daughter resents my knitting even though I am knitting things for her daughter and scolded me for knitting some of the time during her three day labor. I do not know what she expected me to do. I was there the whole time and saw the birth but I could not act the lovey dovey mother to someone who spits fire at me. So, strange as it is, knitting is the only relief I get from this very painful period of my life. I know things will eventually look up but right now I am just a sad, anxious, knitting maniac.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi atmywitsendtoo

I really feel for you with the difficult situation you are in. It is good to hear that you are getting all the help you need and you do have a very positive attitude (you say "I know things will eventually look up" and this will help you to get through.

If as you say, knitting is currently your only relief, then go for it, get those pins clicking, you need to do whatever it takes for your own well being and knitting is relaxing and very satisfying when you see the finished product, you are creating something to be proud of. And when you've finished knitting for the baby how about knitting something for yourself. Because you matter too.

I don't know whether you are able to do this but could you take some time out just for you to pamper yourself? Maybe get a beauty treatment or a massage? I try to do this a couple of times a year and always feel good afterwards.

I hope things soon pick up for you atmywitsendtoo. In the meantime, thanks to you, I am going to take a leaf out of your book and pick up my knitting again x

[MomMae]

Hi atmywitsendtoo,

First off, I just want to say congratulations on the birth of your granddaughter!  She is a fortunate little girl to have you in her life.  I am sorry that what should be a joyous time in your life is so very stressful and full of pain.  Your daughter, too, is lucky to have you... .I know that you have been there for her throughout this pregnancy.

I totally agree with Feeling Better - keep on knitting!  I understand that... .  When things were really bad with my daughter, my husband and I would play a game called Double Fives for hours.  It kept our minds busy enough that we didn't think about what was going on with DD, but it is a simple enough game that doesn't use so much brain power that it is overwhelming.  I am guessing that knitting is similar.

And as FB said, please do something special just for yourself.  You deserve it and need it... .  MM

[adoptivemom67]

Hi ATmywitsendtoo,
I recently joined and I just read your text from October.  I'm wondering and hoping that you are feeling better now.  My situation is very similar to yours except my ND24 (does that mean non diagnosed 24 year old daughter, I hope?)  is pregnant now.  Just as we were coming to grips with her diagnosis and changing how we related to her, she gets pregnant.  Of course, father of baby is ex con, father of a couple of other families she has found, and is gone.  She made a big deal of getting a restraining order against him.  But I don't believe he is around.  It is soo hard to "cut her off" financially in this situation, but it seems like every interaction with her in a painful blow up mess.  I guess we need to study the "lessons" etc to get better at handling her (rather than just giving her money).
I hope you reply, I'm not sure I am submitting this correctly.