BPD in my son

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son has had mental illness problems since he was eight when it was considered to be low self esteem issues.  It progressed to Generalized Anxiety Disorder with PTSD symtoms by his early 20’s and went on to possible bipolar or even schizophrenia.  Lasr time he was hospitalized, the term personality disorder was mentioned and I have been researching since.  He seems to fit the diagnosis and certainly the symptoms.  He has had various meds along the way as the attempted other possible illnesses but none worked.  That makes sense if it is BPD.  I have worked with the local mental health groups and the all say pretty much the same - you are only enabling him in trying to help him.  Step away, set boundaries etc.  Meanwhile, I am racked with guilt for possibly causing this.  Our family (his two half brothers, close cousins, aunt and uncle) do not welcome him to family functions because of his behaviors and because I am on edge when he is around because i am waiting for something to happen.  I would love to have him integrate back with his family, my family but he doesn't feel he has anything wrong to warrant apologies to anyone.  I feel so torn every holiday season because  he is not with us although I do understand their reasons for not inviting him.  I think about him all alone and it just breaks my heart.  If I did anything to cause this, I should be held responsible and not step away at all.  My own mental health is now in jeopardy but don’t I deserve?  Why should I get all the concern and supprt from our family and he doesn’t?  I am trying to arm myself with knowledge and it does help but guilt is a very strong part of my enabling that I can’t seem to shake.  How do other parents deal with their guilt and with family members not welcoming a BPD brother/cousin/nephew because he is peculiar and did mean, nasty stuff to them when they were young and he upset me, his biggest fan?

[tadsmom]

My son has had mental illness problems since he was eight when it was considered to be low self esteem issues.  It progressed to Generalized Anxiety Disorder with PTSD symtoms by his early 20’s and went on to possible bipolar or even schizophrenia.  Lasr time he was hospitalized, the term personality disorder was mentioned and I have been researching since.  He seems to fit the diagnosis and certainly the symptoms.  He has had various meds along the way as the attempted other possible illnesses but none worked.  That makes sense if it is BPD.  I have worked with the local mental health groups and the all say pretty much the same - you are only enabling him in trying to help him.  Step away, set boundaries etc.  Meanwhile, I am racked with guilt for possibly causing this.  Our family (his two half brothers, close cousins, aunt and uncle) do not welcome him to family functions because of his behaviors and because I am on edge when he is around because i am waiting for something to happen.  I would love to have him integrate back with his family, my family but he doesn't feel he has anything wrong to warrant apologies to anyone.  I feel so torn every holiday season because  he is not with us although I do understand their reasons for not inviting him.  I think about him all alone and it just breaks my heart.  If I did anything to cause this, I should be held responsible and not step away at all.  My own mental health is now in jeopardy but don’t I deserve?  Why should I get all the concern and supprt from our family and he doesn’t?  I am trying to arm myself with knowledge and it does help but guilt is a very strong part of my enabling that I can’t seem to shake.  How do other parents deal with their guilt and with family members not welcoming a BPD brother/cousin/nephew because he is peculiar and did mean, nasty stuff to them when they were young and he upset me, his biggest fan?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hello tadsmom, and welcome to the parent's forum.  It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot for many years in your journey with your son.  You are not alone; all the parents here have walked a similar path of heartache that yes, unfortunately does very often include much guilt, most of which is unwarranted.  We do the best that we can under the circumstances with what we know at the time.  

There is a myriad of resources on this website that can help you try to learn different approaches with your son.  A good place to start is with the tools on the right hand side of this page  

Please keep posting, tadsmom, as well as reading the experiences of others.  Just knowing that you are not alone can bring so much comfort.  For me, finding this forum, and the understanding and camaraderie it offers was the turning point in my relationship with my BPD dd20.  

Best wishes to you, tadsmom. I hope we hear more from you.    MomMae

[wendydarling]

Hello tadsmom

I'd like to join MomMae welcoming you to the family   I'm glad you found us and sorry what brings you here, many parents have walked a similar path to diagnosis so often not established until adulthood, you are not alone.  Having a clear diagnosis helps our loved ones and us understand what is, how to manage emotional dysregulation.  BPD is often co-morbid with anxiety, depression, bi-polar etc. Has a firm diagnosis been established and recommended treatment moving forwards?  

I hear you. Like you we’ve asked ourselves did I cause this – have a look at the information ‘Did I cause this’ to the right of your screen and let us know your thoughts, how you feel, is it helpful?  
As MomMae says What I didn’t know, I didn’t know. I did not know my child had a BPD predisposition, if I had known  I’d be using the tools and learning the lessons here 29 years ago. Now I know I can do better and so can she – and we have.  The knowledge I have gained and compassion and support I have received here has helped me make changes and I wish the same for you. If our approach isn’t working change it, find a way that works for our situation.

I’m sorry to hear your mental health is suffering as often the case for those of us supporting our children, are you seeking help from your doctor?  You are doing the right thing to build your knowledge, it’s changed my life and that of my family, small gentle steps. In what way do you think you enable your son, how would it look like if you were providing him support to do the things he can do, you’ll find some good examples here how we can move from enabling to supporting.

1.22 | Are you supporting or enabling?

Is your son living with you? What behaviours are you dealing with?

Draw up a chair tadsmom, keep posting, here together we move forwards and get to a better place.

WDx