Cheating, betrayal, self-eteem and anger

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Is anyone else in this boat?

I read so often how a result of one of the possible BPD behaviors (cheating) is often low self-esteem for the betrayed.  I'm just wondering if anyone else is coming from the opposite perspective of having high, intact self-esteem, experiencing the betrayal of a cheating BPD partner, and instead of feeling: "I must be lacking to deserve this," feeling:  "I'm a good person, I've given a lot to this person and this relationship, I've been faithful and loving, I didn't deserve this, and I know I didn't do anything to justify my partner's behavior (inspite of the common theme 'it takes two to tango.' Sometimes not.)  The main emotion I'm trying to work on right now is anger.  I've been angry for months and I know anger can cloud judgment.

If this sounds like you too, tell me what you learned, and how you healed or are healing.  Thanks.

[nuthereggsheller]

Is anyone else in this boat?

I read so often how a result of one of the possible BPD behaviors (cheating) is often low self-esteem for the betrayed.  I'm just wondering if anyone else is coming from the opposite perspective of having high, intact self-esteem, experiencing the betrayal of a cheating BPD partner, and instead of feeling: "I must be lacking to deserve this," feeling:  "I'm a good person, I've given a lot to this person and this relationship, I've been faithful and loving, I didn't deserve this, and I know I didn't do anything to justify my partner's behavior (inspite of the common theme 'it takes two to tango.' Sometimes not.)  The main emotion I'm trying to work on right now is anger.  I've been angry for months and I know anger can cloud judgment.

If this sounds like you too, tell me what you learned, and how you healed or are healing.  Thanks.

[once removed]

are you saying you are not feeling low self esteem as a result of her cheating? do i have that right, and instead, you are feeling anger/feelings of injustice?

[Enabler]

I can 100% empathize with that Nuthereggsheller.

The problem with anger is that you now become the bad guy... .even when the affair is in plain sight for all to see, your anger and expression of it trumps all. Many of her behaviors are invisible to your friends and neighbours, the masks protect them from that... .your anger... .that's visible.

Although I have not been able to completely transform the frustration and the feelings of helplessness and injustice of her actions, I have progressed from anger to understanding and a perverse empathy for my W.

Although I do not blame myself for this deficiency, I knew no better, but the OM provided something that I was unable/unwilling to provide which was a fundamental need for her... .Validation. He validates everything, the valid and the invalid. I have even grown to pity rather than hate the OM, I was him 20 years ago, believing the abuse stories, believing I could love her better than her abusive boyfriend of 5yrs.

Learn to rationalise the irrational. Learn a true deep empathy. Is your wife a bad person, or a good person doing bad things which hurt you because she has a personality disorder?

[toomanydogs]

Is anyone else in this boat?

I read so often how a result of one of the possible BPD behaviors (cheating) is often low self-esteem for the betrayed.  I'm just wondering if anyone else is coming from the opposite perspective of having high, intact self-esteem, experiencing the betrayal of a cheating BPD partner, and instead of feeling: "I must be lacking to deserve this," feeling:  "I'm a good person, I've given a lot to this person and this relationship, I've been faithful and loving, I didn't deserve this, and I know I didn't do anything to justify my partner's behavior (inspite of the common theme 'it takes two to tango.' Sometimes not.)  The main emotion I'm trying to work on right now is anger.  I've been angry for months and I know anger can cloud judgment.

If this sounds like you too, tell me what you learned, and how you healed or are healing.  Thanks.

this is exactly me. when i met with my doctor a month or so ago and i was telling her what was going on, she told me not to let this affect my self esteem, and she listed a bunch of positive attributes I have. I told her, quite truthfully, that my self esteem had not taken a hit because he left. and it's not taken a hit with his cheating and his betrayal and his lying.

i told her--and i believe this--that he was crazy to leave me.

for me, the anger is curative. it helps me move forward from a situation that turned intolerable. it helps me "repurpose" my life, as i was primarily a mother/caregiver to my H.

when he first left, i was completely distraught, like the distraught where you're crying so hard that you're sliding down the wall sobbing. that kind of distraught, but i never thought and i still don't think his leaving had anything to do with me and everything to do with his myriad of illnesses.

i am not to the point where i have compassion for him, i'm at the point where i hate him. eventually, the hate will turn to indifference, and then i will know i've moved beyond him, but for now, i need my anger, and i welcome it.

TMD

[nuthereggsheller]

Toomanydog,

Yes, how you feel is where I'm at too.  Although, I wish he would leave me.  I am not displaying anger but keeping it well-hidden, because I'm aware of what the other poster said about a display of anger turning me into the bad guy (gal).

My self-esteem, my self-worth is very much intact. But I haven't yet found a perspective toward my cheating husband that I can live with, so I'm kind of waffling around trying to find one that feels "right" to me. I don't really pity him. He's smart enough that he should have known better. I don't really have empathy for him because he knew he was screwing up when he did it. He wasn't a victim. He is so high functioning that I can't give him "BPD" as his "out."  Nope. Sorry. No can do.

So I'm left with feeling angry and resentful and just waiting for the appropriate time to make an exit.

[toomanydogs]

Toomanydog,

Yes, how you feel is where I'm at too.  Although, I wish he would leave me.  I am not displaying anger but keeping it well-hidden, because I'm aware of what the other poster said about a display of anger turning me into the bad guy (gal).



So I'm left with feeling angry and resentful and just waiting for the appropriate time to make an exit.

I totally get it. I'm writing and fictionalizing my experiences. It really helps. I can pull away from who I am, and I can do all the horrible things I'd never do in real life, and I can make my H into a bigger a***ole than he already is, and I can make his P into the idiot I think she is.
With fiction, I can even watch my H drive his car off a cliff and then laugh maniacally as arrange his funeral. 
My writing has been my saving grace. Amazingly enough, through my writing, I can also start laughing about some of this. Somehow turning an idiot into a bigger, laughable idiot is really satisfying. And having a BPD actually pay the consequences for the mess they leave behind is also immensely satisfying.
So back to work, and maybe a bath.
Keep in touch,
TMD

[nuthereggsheller]

Lol... .I'm not quite there at the "drive his fictional car off a cliff" but I'm laughing out loud at your coping mechanism... .whatever works, right?  Lol... .

[starrynight2018]

i am not to the point where i have compassion for him, i'm at the point where i hate him. eventually, the hate will turn to indifference, and then i will know i've moved beyond him, but for now, i need my anger, and i welcome it.

TMD

I love what you wrote.  I go back and forth between hating him and feeling sorry for him, but mainly hating him. I spoke with his ex wife 2 weekends ago because I was so desperate for closure. I need to know some truths and she was kind enough to talk to me. I was as close to having peace as I possibly can and in the end the person that help me have closure was the last person I would ever have contacts with.