We need help trying to help our daughter w/ BPD

[Tigerfan81]

Our 24 year old daughter (who I'll refer to as Louise) was recently diagnosed with BPD after a 3 week inpatient stay in a behavioral health facility (after 2 stints of intensive outpatient).  She had approached us (her parents) admitting to suicidal thoughts which led to her admission.  She has recently moved back in with us (about 4 months ago) after about a year on her own living 3 hours away from us.  From what we have been reading in Stop Walking on Eggshells she seems to be a textbook case, checking the majority of the symptom boxes.  Since being discharged she refuses to work or go to any therapy (except for her monthly Psychiatrist appointment and occasional NAMI meetings).  She is currently compliant with her medication but has self medicated with both alcohol and marijuana previously.  We are a little worried about her consumption of multiple Red Bulls during the day possibly throwing some of her meds out of wack.  The major concern right now is her relationship with an older man (35) who she professes to love.  He is very hateful toward her (in every way but physically that we can tell).  He tells her she doesn't need the medication she is on, she only needs to commune with nature and be with him (she has stayed with him multiple times in a tent at a campground instead of with us) and that we are trying to control her and spy on both of them.  He has convinced her to change her phone number, delete all her social media accounts, and not to contact any of her previous friends or boyfriends (he says she cheats on him, lies to him and can't be trusted - which currently are probably all true).  She has wiped all her contacts from her phone.  If she isn't with us we are only able to stay in contact with her since the phone is on our account.  She has convinced herself (or he has) that she can only be happy with him.  She says no one else loves or cares for her (even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary, especially from her family).  The relationship appears to be near the end because they are constantly fighting and he is refusing to talk or text with her (at this moment).  We just need help dealing with her relationship with this man (and its possible end), setting boundaries with our daughter while she is living with us, getting her motivated to work and have friends, and how to get her to realize she needs more therapeutic help.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Tigerfan81

Welcome to the family   You are in a difficult situation and I understand you are deeply concerned, I'd be too. I hope your daughter is able to get out of the relationship, isolating the victim from friends and family I understand is a modus operandi of abusers, and can be more difficult to walk away from than we think, especially when our children are vulnerable. Have you considered reaching out to your local domestic violence resource to talk with someone real who understands and can provide advice?  While you say there is no violence there is abuse.

Many parents here consult with qualified BPD therapists for support in understanding BPD, their situation and how best to move forwards.

Does this sound like a good way forward Tiger?

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Tigerfan,

I am so sorry you're going through all of this. My 20 yo daughter keeps dating men in their 30s and it stresses me to no end. This one sounds like a sociopath (my best friend dated one and he did all of the same things). It sounds like you still have a good relationship with your daughter which is so important. I agree that you should consult with your own therapist, one who has a lot of experience with BPD. it has helped me immensely.

Is there any way you could take a small family vacation? It's possible that getting her away from him will give her some perspective.

I'm wishing you all the best for you and your daughter.

[adoptivemom67]

Hi Tigerfan81,
I'm also in a pretty similar sounding situation.  I found this forum about a month ago.  Know that these folks on the forum can help and certainly make us feel less alone!  For our u24d (checking with the "glossary" I hope that means undiagnosed 24 year old daughter) its been a weird odyssey of misunderstanding, arguments, and sadness.  But through this forum I'm learning radical acceptance and techniques to deal with her and keep myself propped up.

I wasn't sure why you said "we just need help dealing with... ." then the huge list of issues you identified.  I thought maybe you were using sarcasm, its so hard to tell in a forum like this.  Soo my bits of advice are to try a focus on an issue or two at a time ( I know all that you mentioned seems critical at this moment) and to try and take some time and whatever it takes to take care of yourself!  You deserve and need it!  Its so tough dealing with young adult children with BPD.  So many issues are unique for us (e.g. can I actually leave this relationship?). 
Hang in there and keep posting!
Adoptivemom67