Possible Eviction of My 76 YO Mother

[Muffy61]

My life can best be described as caught in a time continuum of being stuck between the movie reels "The Three Faces of Eve," "Mommy Dearest," "The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood" and "Jeckle and Hyde." I grew up with a mother and 1/2 brother both diagnosed with bipolar and BPD.

Childhood was horrid and that's another story for another time; right now I have more pressing matters at hand. I will say two things for now; when she experienced her first breakdown and was institutionalized, I was left with my fathers parents and her son was left her parents. I wasn't taken back, except for an occasional weekend visit, until my grandfather died and my grandmother had to go to work. She took her son back as soon as she got out of the hospital. This was by choice and my father had no spine!  Secondly, because of her son's disabilities he did just about everything to me less than killing me!  I do mean everything!  I have gone to counseling and have learned to live with this.  I have confronted her with what her son did and when broached about the subject, has a convenient memory lapse about all of it~   My family is aware of all of this.

I have cared off/on for this women for almost 40 yrs (don't ask at this point, pls just read and I'll be happy to ask questions). She has burnt down 3 homes, shot a neighbors dog, poisoned and killed another, is a compulsive liar and gambler (she's gone bankrupt 3 times because of it)... .I could go on, but I won't.
 
She has been hospitalized 3 times (2 while living w/ me), the second time we got the diagnosis and medication that would work for the bipolar. She was rapid cycling.

We currently have her living in a small, but very nice home we bought for her about 11 miles from us, about 4 yrs ago. Made sure everything was set up, got the general
Power of Attorney (POA), DNR, bank account and such set up yrs ago, so that if something "should happen" there would be no problems.

She moved in with a couple of stipulations we placed upon her, 1) no smoking in the house (she was to smoke outside on the porch),  2)She was to only have one dog (she wound up with 4, 3)She took responsibility for herself and managed her own bills.

She recently went into the hospital (for a 2nd time within 30 days)in November. She had a small bowel obstruction that landed her there for 7 days and she was totally incapacitated as well as incoherent. While she was in the hospital, we had to take care of her home and finances. We have "put up with" her 4 dogs, but didn't realize just how badly they were ruining the house.  There was dried urine crystallizing on the hardwood floors and feces everywhere, the dogs were missing the wee wee pads she had scattered everywhere.  The house reeked to hi heaven!  When I went to remove the bed coverings, I found that she was allowing at least one of the dogs (that she told me about) sleeping with her. Another dog was almost dead, another flea ridden, the one she allowed to sleep in the bed has hot spots all over and stunk horribly!  They have no shots. Only one was in good condition, the original one.  We had to take 2 to the humane society (it broke our hearts for the animals). We explained to the humane society that she probably had the best of intentions, but she simply couldn't care for all of them. We knew the one would have to be put down, but hopefully the one flea infested one would be able to find a good home.  It is a no kill shelter.

Additionally, during her stay, I had to enact my POA.  I needed to pay her utility bills by going by the bank (the joint account we were on) and W/D funds to pay the bills. I found out she had removed me from the account!  I had the date looked up and it just happened to coincide with the time frame that her son was visiting!  Honestly? We have given her the last 4 vehicles she's driven, provided her with a place to live, food, clothes, medical.  We have literally spent more on her care over the years than we have our 2 grown daughters and they are grown, out of college, married women!  She has nothing!  She gets $1750 ~ a month combined from SS and a little pension check from her last deceased husband. 

Thankfully the bank was willing to work with me and was able to get me back on the account.  To say I was mad, is putting it mildly!

Then while going through her mail and seeing what else needed to be paid, I found numerous scratch offs (for the GA lottery), a $700+ bill for Publishers Clearing House and numerous postal money order receipts where she was sending hundreds of dollars to someone! I could still see her bank balance via email posting everyday (which was odd) and if it got too low, we would give her a little money to help until her check came... .no more!  We can definitely use that money to do something for ourselves!

Prior to leaving the hospital, we were told she would need rehab, so we searched for a facility and found several suitable and then just prior to leaving, we were told she no longer qualified and was able to come home!  Because of all of the continuous lies, the dogs, her taking me off the bank account and having to go through an act of congress with the POA to get back on and pay her bills, not smoking in the house, but now going out on the front porch and torching bugs with long lighters on the ceiling of the front porch, and years and years of so much other stuff, she had finally broken the straw that broke the proverbial camels back!  We had had it!  Enough was enough!
 
We were told by the hospital that she was so well in fact, that she could have driven herself home.  We decided against it in order to hold her captive and have out say with her concerning all many various things that had happened, were happening and what was to happen.

We confronted her with the POA problem, removing me from the account and ask why she did it!  Her answer; that was a lie by the bank!  She had never done such a thing!  When we told her she was the only one that could have done it, she said and quite loudly, "It doesn't matter!  You won't believe me anyway!"  We ask her about the postal money orders for hundreds of dollars to which we were told it was none of our damned business!  We stated that it was when she was asking for help and our money was supporting her gambling habits!  At this point, she said she wasn't going to say another ":)amned word, because no one will believe me anyway!"
We went on to confront her about her lies and the possibility of burning the house down by her torching bugs on the front porch with the extended lighter.  She claimed she didn't know how the burn spots got there! About this point, my husband and I had reached our boiling points! Feeling like I had nothing to loose, I gained the confidence to finally ask her why she left all those years with my grandparents when she took her son back, she said nothing. She just sat there. Bam! Nothing! Ok, she's not answering; she's ignoring me completely. Not speaking anymore. Could absolutely care less!  So at this point, my husband left we might as well go ahead and tell her that we had to take the 2 dogs away. She went off like a piece of dynamite!
Oh my God!  I was livid!  How dare she sit there and say not one damned word about leaving me all those years, say nothing when I asked her about it, but go batty when we told her about dogs?

At this point, she finally said she wanted out of the truck!  We drove around the block to her house and during the drive, we told her she had one month to get rid of the other dog or face an eviction notice.  There would be no more money from us.  We added that "we" had allowed her to take advantage of us for long enough and if she needed more money, she would have to rely upon her son for money. As a matter of fact, he could add her to his phone contract as well.  She was given until the first of the year to make that happen.

So, this is where I'm at; I have spoken to once, last week when she called to tell me a tree limb had fallen on the carport and bent it.  My husband went up there and cleaned up the mess, but she never came out of the house.  We'll be going back up there next week to see if indeed she has gotten rid of the other dog. If she hasn't she will be served with an eviction notice from the sheriff, if she has, our relationship will be very strained.

Ultimately, I would like to have this woman out of my life completely.  This may sound very harsh, as does everything above, but you haven't lived my life.  When you finish reading this, please think about some of the worst horror stories you've ever read and then think of me.  I've barely scratched the surface of what I've been through!  Believe me when I say this.  I honestly don't think this forum would allow me to write some of the things I have been subjected too... .no, I'm not kidding.

[Turkish]

Hi Muffy61,



As for the forum allowing you to write,  we allow whatever members feel comfortable sharing, and a lot of what members share is "Mommy Dearest" type stories, and some members here have been victims of sexual abuse. We don't judge,  and are here to support you 

Given what you wrote,  I think it was best for me not to pursue POA for my mother,  and they wasn't as bad a situation. 

Is there Adult Protective Services where you live? I finally referred my mother to them (not directly,  but through a sheriff's deputy who called me when my mom called them accusing me of stealing her purse). A social worker was assigned to her case.  Long story short, after she was kicked off her property by the county,  held in a senior home for a while,  they ended up getting her into a strip motel which has tenants who pay monthly.  Her home was worse than what you describe.  Utterly filthy with animals and literally falling down.  Collapsing ceilings,  black mold.  Unbearable animal waste stench and feces encrusted on the floors that were visible. 

[worn_out]

Has your mother been evaluated for dementia? I know how canny BPD people can be and how they pride themselves on "fooling" doctors, but it's something to keep in mind. She sounds like an animal hoarder and her neglect of the dogs is heartbreaking.
"We'll be going back up there next week to see if indeed she has gotten rid of the other dog. If she hasn't she will be served with an eviction notice from the sheriff, if she has, our relationship will be very strained." Let it be strained (it is already). If it comes to it, let the sheriff do his (or her) job. Contacting Adult Protective Services and turning her over to them is a good idea. You and your husband have done enough.

[isilme]

Given what you wrote,  I think it was best for me not to pursue POA for my mother,  and they wasn't as bad a situation.

Same, and she was on her way to this level of dysfunction.  This gave me chills.  I guess if I needed validation for my choice to be NC, I have to thank you.  At about 22 years old I was contemplating a POA.  Luckily, a nice lawyer talked me out of it. 

My mother had (has?) cats.  I love cats, but she let hers mark and defecate on her bed.  I found out when she got arrested the final time I bailed her out, in my early 30s, and she as simultaneously evicted.  It was all a conspiracy, a lie, according to her, that her boss who had recently fired her wanted to ruin her life and have her evicted, and that someone framed her for shoplifting.

Anyway, I saw the drain it was causing on me, even having just intermittent contact, and finally, it was time to just go NC - she makes her bed (with cat pee) she can sleep in it.  I do not have the time, money, or energy to fight her tooth and nail about the life she chooses to lead.  My mother is 71.  I have considered dementia as a possibility now, but she has exhibited the crazy behavior all my life, and I can remember clearly back to my toddler years.  The more I see my friends' parents, even with their faults, the more I realize my mother is toxic and I cannot and should not feel a need to be her rescuer. 

I am sorry - I don't know how to address the myriad of things you've encountered.  I can just say that yes, I can totally empathize, and I had to take the escape hatch away from it to stay as sane as I've managed.