BPD and the holiday season

[tadsmom]

Anybody else struggling with their child this holiday season?  We are in such conflict that I don't know if it can end well.  He wants to be a part of the family celebrations but he just can't.  He is angry with us all right now and I can't bring him any comfort.  I feel like he is heading for a large explosion soon but there is little I can do.  His perception of things is pretty warped and he is blaming all kinds of things on me that were not if my doing.  I know he wants to be heard and I try not to engage when he says hateful, hurtful things but it sure is hard.  He refuses CMHA help, he is restricted in his use of the local hospital as a nurse has restraining order on him for previous stalking incidents.  He will be angry if I visit, depressed if I don't.  I have lots of gifts for him but has been known to throw them back at me if he is in a mood.  I never seem to do the right thing by him... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Tadsmom

All holidays are tricky for us. My DS27 wants to join in but doesn’t at the same time. He can’t win and neither can we. Things are much improved since my DS started to take responsibility for himself - I’m hopeful this year will be ok but to be honest only time will tell. A lot depends on what’s going on in my DS’s life on that morning when he wakes up. Whether he’s in a “good” place, has money in his pocket and has gifts to give us. A lot of his problem was shame and guilt about his bad choices in life,

I see that you’re visiting your son and understand that feeling of not being able to do the right thing. Like walking on eggshells (have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? - it’s very good).

This is just a suggestion but I wonder if you tried calling him up before you go to visit. This gives you an opportunity to be bright and breezy and lay the path for the visit. If you son feels the visit is going to be less stressful he may be calmer. My DS is super sensitive and could almost feel my uncomfortableness - I’ve worked very hard these last few years at changing my approach and we now feel the benefits of a better relationship (despite the problems).

How old is your son and what’s his situation? Is it just you that visits or have you got others that you feel you have to protect on the visit?

Hugs. Chrimbo is just a tough time of year isn’t it.

LP

[tadsmom]

Thanks for corresponding, Lollypop. Always nice to know there are others.  My son does not have a phone, we correspond by email only.  I do let him know when I am coming over so he can be prepared.  Sometimes his door is locked but I can hear him moving around and I see him peaking out a window.  Those days I just leave, dropping a coffee on his outdoor table.  There is me and my sister that have kept in contact with him, mainly me though.  I was a single mom then I married and had two more sons. He is 37. His brothers are 22 and 20.  Because of his past behaviour, they don't want anything to do with him.  Similarly, his cousins closer to his age don't either.  He is alone with very few if any friends.  I am in counseling for codependency from the situation and have learned to set boundaries.  I am hoping to learn some tools from this forum so I can give our relationship another go before it is truly too late.  Thanks again!

[Gorges]

You sound like a great mom.  Give yourself some good feedback.  You are doing a good job getting help for yourself but not giving up on the relationship.  Happy holidays.