Another birthday ruined and it’s my fault

[5xFive]

I usually post on improving but it occurs to me that my relationship with uBPDh is usually closer to breaking up than not. And I WANT to save my marriage.
He has been cycling farther and farther down this last week. He has raged out at me every day. He put a hole in another wall, he broke a glass. The screaming. The name calling. The disrespect. It’s been absolutely horrible. And he tells me it’s my fault.
Today is our sons birthday. He turned 7. H woke up mad because I didn’t wake up early enough. I normally go into the bathroom with him in the morning to rub his neck and shoulders. He has some bad neck pain so he says he needs this. But d1 was awake and I was trying to nurse her back to sleep and then s7 woke up. I didn’t realize that h was waiting for me (I guess he felt abandoned?). He came out and started slamming things around looking for his clothes for work. Swiped his arm across the mantle and knocked everything down, threw some stuff around. And didn’t even acknowledge our son who was sitting there watching him. Didn’t say happy birthday or anything.
And now, texting me that he’s divorcing me and he hates me and he wishes I would die. Because I broke my word to him. He literally just texted me:
17 years of:
Lies
Broken promises
Empty gestures
Twisted reality
Let downs
What do I do? How do I improve this? Why am I being blamed for him not acknowledging our son on his birthday?

[snowglobe]

Dear @5*five,
I’m so sorry you are going through your pwBPD splitting on your son’s birthday. There isn’t a perfect timing to be raged at, however holidays and birthdays are probably the worse episodes on my memory. Take a deep breath, observe your physical sensation. Simple breathing exercise 4-7-8 will help you physically relax: 4 deep breaths in, hold it for 7 seconds, eight small precise breaths out, repeat 5 times and observe your sensations. Don’t think, just breath on the count.
Now to your pwBPD, can you tell me a little more as to what triggered this episode? What do you do when he gets disregulated? How do you respond?
As any mother you want to have your son’s special day acknowledged and celebrated. It’s normal to want it, but given your pwBPD morning interaction, it’s unlikely to happen. Can you take your s out for a special treat, like icecream or trip to legoland? Something close enough for Home, yet fun and memorable for your son. Make sure you do lots of validation in your interaction with your pwBPD. I short and sweet message might do some good: “hon, I’ve been worried about you all morning (support). I know you were upset this morning about being late. It’s frustrating to look for something when you are pressed for time.(emphathy). How can we ensure that you know where xyz is for the future (truth)
You aren’t accepting any blame for the setuation, you are staying the obvious and waiting on him to come up with a plan.
He is disregulated and using the fear and intimidation tactic to through you off balance. He succeeded. Now the ball is in your court, you can use the tools on this site to stop the bleeding and prevent it from escalating further. I hope you and your little guy will create amazing memories today, even if it’s just the two of you

[5xFive]

Thank you for your response Dkanddyk
I’ve not handled today well so far. Complete jadeing and invalidation. I can’t seem to pick out the right thing to validate. Every time I try, he tells me I’m wrong, that’s why he wants a divorce bc I’m clueless and then he just lays into me. And then I get more defensive, and you’re right. We bleed. Now he says he’s quitting his job and leaving. I’m so lost.

[snowglobe]

Thank you for your response Dkanddyk
I’ve not handled today well so far. Complete jadeing and invalidation. I can’t seem to pick out the right thing to validate. Every time I try, he tells me I’m wrong, that’s why he wants a divorce bc I’m clueless and then he just lays into me. And then I get more defensive, and you’re right. We bleed. Now he says he’s quitting his job and leaving. I’m so lost.

He is using fear, obligation and guilt to control you, and inmesh you into his reality. It’s a very powerful and potent tactic, I know because it works on me too. You are afraid that 1.he will divorce you, 2.quit his job, 3.leave
Let’s beggin to dissect it
1. Do your breathing, 4-7-8
2. You are afraid of the promises he made. Fear is an emotion. No facts have been established as of yet. He may, or may not follow through with it. Although some promises are being kept, for the vast majority BPD threats are like are tazing, utilized to keep you complient, fearful, in check and confused. He is acting on the emotion and impulse. Both are fleeing, once the emotion changes, so much will his attitude.
3. It’s like a dream, it sure feels real, but once you wake up you realize that your fears are physiological reaction to perceived danger.
4. Are you in any danger now? (Please explain)
5. Short sentences are the best. Sweet and to the point. “It would make me very sad if we were to split. I care about you and our family.” Drag things out, there isn’t any point of “figuring, talking it out or having a long conversation”
He doesn’t hear words, he can’t process them or accept his responsibility at hurting you or your son.”
6. When raging “we don’t speak to each other like that, I’m taking a 5 min break to take a shower”. This effectively commmunicates your boundary of not putting up with his verbal abuse, yet you stay close enough not to create abandonment issues. When you use “we” sentence, always remember that you have to practice what you preach. Meaning you can’t have a reaction proportional to his, you have to consistently model the appropriate behaviour in order to see any changes.
7. Dragging out always works for me, as the time passes with no positive reinforcement on my part, meaning adding something that Re instigates the conflict, it usually dies out.
8. Please, be as descriptive and specific as you can. In order to understand the dynamics I need a bit more information

[ozmatoz]

I’ve not handled today well so far. Complete jadeing and invalidation. I can’t seem to pick out the right thing to validate. Every time I try, he tells me I’m wrong, that’s why he wants a divorce bc I’m clueless and then he just lays into me. And then I get more defensive, and you’re right. We bleed. Now he says he’s quitting his job and leaving. I’m so lost.

Your situation is so similar, down to the 17 years and having a situation over a birthday.  My uBPDw had one of these episodes surrounding D16's birthday.  We had had such an incredible blow out fight that I went to stay at my parents place for the night.  I was coming home at 6:30am to be there when D16 woke up.  Well wouldn't you know it... .uBPDw wakes her and D10 up even earlier, bring them downstairs for hot cinnamon roles, sings her happy birthday and then texts me the video telling me how much of a POS I was for missing D16's birthday and I was ruining it for her.  Totally planned way to exclude me then use it as a weapon to beat me over the head.

There was no amount of validating or SET or any tools and frankly I was not handling it well either.  When I brought it up to my T, she told me to stop being so hard on myself as I am only human and can only take so much.  She suggested in this particular situation I was in a lose lose.  Talk it out and fight... .lose.  Walk away and miss some time with D16 ... .lose.  If I'm going to lose either way, why not take the one with less pain and drama?  That is what is so hard... .accepting that sometimes you HAVE to lose.

Often realizing that losing is part of being in a relationship with BPD is frustrating.  This makes me angry and want to fight which is the exact opposite of what I should be doing.

There is a lot of FOG going on here.  Can you take 5 minutes to escape to the bathroom and catch your breath?  Stop and think of what just happened.  Which "weapon" was just used against you.  If you can identify it sometimes it helps separate it out of your emotional mind  letting you relax a little.

Keep us updated.
-Oz

[formflier]

Perhaps... .?

Succinct and direct... then let him do what he will do.  I'm assuming you are just texting today.

"Can we come together today for our son's birthday and put off discussion about our relationship until tomorrow afternoon.  I've got time set aside then (pick time when you really have time... .tomorrow)"

Then state party plans... .then hush

How do you think he would react?

FF

[formflier]

  That is what is so hard... .accepting that sometimes you HAVE to lose.

Hijack for Oz (everybody stick'em up... .this is a thread hijacking!    )

I think everyone could benefit... .hopefully mods will agree.   

When you are in in a situation where you are going to loose (and yes... that is going to happen), remember there are "tactical" considerations and "strategic" ones as well.  Yeah... .I'm going military on you guys.

Perhaps "retreat" is a better term because really what you are doing is stopping "the fight" and preserving your forces for a future day.  Many armies and nations have done that many times on the way to eventually winning the war.

Yes... .the tactics matter and yes the strategy matters to.  If you don't "blend" (or connect) them together properly, things aren't going to go well.

Big picture:  The less of a reaction a pwBPD gets from these types of antics... .the better.

FF

[5xFive]

The breathing helped. I have to remember that for the future. I stopped jadeing right after I read your responses, this is why this site is so helpful to me.
I was not able to calm him down. He went from saying that he was quitting to admitting that was a lie, to sending me an airline flight number, to saying he was going to get a hotel room, to saying that he was buying a bus ticket, to saying that he has already filed for divorce and I’ll get an email... .
He said he would come home for s7s birthday if I promised him a divorce. I told him that it’s not what I want but I won’t stop him if that’s what he wants to do. He said then he wasn’t coming home. Then he said the only way he was coming home was if I give him what he needs TODAY (he wants to move out of our state). I told him that we could discuss it but I couldn’t imagine there was a realtor we could get out on the Friday before Christmas AND if they walked in our front door, they’d laugh all the way back to their car (yes I said this. Maybe I shouldn’t have but it’s true. Our house looks like a crack den to me. Holes in EVERY wall from
his rages. I HATE it.) I told him that was impossible and he said then he wasn’t coming home. He did end up coming home, but he refused to come inside. He sat in his truck and texted me. He told me to swear on our daughters soul that I would divorce him and he would come inside for our son. I said no. S7 saw him through the window and went out to ask him if he’d come in. He did.
He screamed at me for a few minutes and then kind of fizzled out. He’s still short fused. S7 said he didn’t want to watch a scary movie and h got all upset about it. S asked if he has to, and h says no. S says he doesn’t want to be scared on his birthday and h didn’t reply but he rolled his eyes and sighed and mumbled under his breath. Just blatantly rude and childish behavior
The baby was fussing while I was cooking dinner. I had her in the high chair eating where we could all see her. I stepped out to go to the bathroom and she started fussing. He got her out and when I came back he says “thanks a LOT 5”. Idk why. It seemed like he was put out that he had to pick her up.
I’m not sure how to be more descriptive. He says I’m a hypocrite. That I behave the same way he does for the same reasons. I don’t THINK this is true but I could be wrong. He also often says to me that I need to stop trying to be right and start trying to do right (I think this comes from when I jade?). But his “right” is super confusing. I’m not allowed to text him. Ever (I have a terrible time with this). But he can send me 50 ignorant texts in a row and send me to voicemail when I call. Sometimes he’ll answer but inevitably he hangs up on me. Then he’ll text me something hurtful. A few minutes will pass and he’ll tell me that I lost my chance to DO right (I should have known he wanted me to call him back after he hung up on me for the 30th time today- he NEVER EVER calls me) and I’ve proved to him how worthless he is and how I only care about being right.
I’m never in any danger physically. I do feel like I’m losing my mind. And sometimes I wish either he or I were dead. Not because I want to die- I don’t- but bc I want all of this craziness to END.

[DearHusband]

Why do you say that you are never in any danger physically? From the outside it seems like you are in a great deal of danger physically. Ask Lala.

DH