I Live in an Apartment Carpeted in Eggshells

[coquilles]

Hi all, I'm really new to this - not forums in general but support forums in specific.

I'm not sure where to begin so I guess I'll just start with how I got here. After setting down with my therapist to discuss another chapter what we have dubbed the "Fiancee Situation" I said to her the title of this thread and she stared at me for a second before saying that she wanted to read something to me.  It was the diagnostic criteria for BPD. 8 of the 9 categories fit. It was shocking, as if someone had ripped back a curtain with a wild flourish and said - Look, its your life. Have fun! I'll admit, I started crying. To have the words to describe what I'm going through... .It felt unreal. She told me there was a book she had in mind for me, and handed me "Stop Walking on Eggshells". From there I found this place, and I'm hoping that describing what I'm going through to people in the same situation can help.

I'll tell you a little bit about us, just so you know where we stand. There's so much to say in context but I don't want to turn this into a novel. My Fiancee is the love of my life, I'm female and white, they're non-binary and native american. We're polyamorous and live with my little brother and my secondary partner and best friend. When it works, it's bliss. We have so much in common that I can't imagine anyone else being a better fit. That is, until I say the wrong thing, return too late from work, or errands, get uncomfortable, have food issues (I'm a recovering anorexic, still in treatment, but much improved) or any stress happens. Then its livid stares,  silent treatments. Muttering under their breath (I'm a bit hard of hearing so it becomes another point of contention when I have to ask them to repeat themself, sometimes multiple times)

Because of our cultural/gender/ethnic differences, things like gender and culture almost always lead to a fight. The number of times I have been screamed at, "the configuration of your 23rd chromosome is irrelevant" or some variation therein is innumerable. I don't want to argue about politics, but our ideological beliefs are a huge part of our communal living situation, so I wanted to include them so you all have a sense of what it's like. We like to consider ourselves very politically active, super communist, feminist and radical, so we talk about these things a lot in our house, and I struggle so much teasing out what is my own internalized systemic racism and transphobia, and what is the BPD taking what I said in the worst way possible. I go through much of my life feeling like a racist transphobic ass.

This is all made worse through my own baggage. I grew up in an abusive home, not necessarily violent, but emotionally exhausting. I outmatured my parents emotionally at about 13. So things like the screaming, slamming doors, being locked out of my own room, they trigger some serious trauma, and it gets hard to keep my composure. I just keep feeling like I'm turning into my mother, downtrodden, emotionally exhausted at all times, there for the sex and the cleaning, and fixing my future spouse's mistakes and silent the rest of the time.

I just don't want that for myself, I can't live this way. I'm checked out of this relationship. I don't tell them things so they don't use them against me, I avoid being in the same room lest I accidentally interrupt whatever they're doing and start a fight. I don't like going out of the house (I work from home) in case I run late and end up getting the silent treatment or comfort them out of a suicidal/self harm episode. Conversations about therapy for them are met with rage and paranoia. I love them dearly, and I want to support them, but I'm miserable and fantasize about running away on the daily. I don't see a future with us married, I see a future with us divorced.

Wow, that was a lot, and not even everything, but three years of living like this has left me with a lot to unpack. Thanks so much for reading. Any advice or opinions would be huge.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Even if all of you share similar political views, you are all individuals. It seems that if you consider a different view from your partner, the conversation becomes critical of you.

Politics these days (IMHO) seem to be presented in a polarized and binary way. You are either all in one side or all in the other. This also parallels the black and white thinking of someone with BPD. However, in reality, I think many of the issues are complex. A person may identify more with one side than the other, but not 100%. Somewhere in this is who you are, yet if you are living in a situation where you are not allowed to have or express your own opinion - that can feel invalidating.

You are you- not defined by politics, or your partner's ideas. Maybe some soul searching would help- and you don't need to discuss your ideas with your partner- just with you. What do you want? Does this situation suit you? I read you feeling you have lost your identity- and I think a first step is to consider that identity.