Broke NC

[Lostinanother]

After 36 days I broke NC to wish her Merry Christmas... .
we sent many messages back and forth.
She said she hopes I’m happy. She said she will always have unforgettable memories of me. But also told me she is happy with my replacement.
She also said she hopes we can have a beer together some time. She said again that she is happy that I’m happy... .
Then we said goodnight and have been NC since then... .

I’m still blocked by her everywhere, but she was actually very kind... .
this isn’t typical BPD behavior and she isn’t recycling me as I was the one who texted her first and I’m not sure if I’m painted black or white

Any thoughts?

[Inside]

You’re still on the shelf…  You contacting her now means she doesn't have to contact you. Messages back & forth, a future beer together... it’s a slippery slope, one I’d slid down 7 times... . 

The love we have for them goes deeper than what they’re capable of sustaining.  So they bounce between bouts of infatuation because that’s as deep as it gets for them.  Restarting a prior r/s feels like a new opportunity; in reality, we’re only a placeholder.  Again, we can do it, they can’t. 

I’d make your NY’s resolution to maintain NC for the rest of next year! ... .for your sake.

[EdR]

Hi lostinanother,

I just had a great thread about sending a 'Merry Christmas' text. Thanks to a lot of the members here! But I started the thread before I actually sent the text. I feel there is a lot of great info there.

In your case, the message has already been sent. And there even was some contact back and forth. So it is a little different.

I can tell you one thing: every individual is different. That's true for both the pwBPD and the NON.
I seem to recall that in your case your pwBPD was an affair and that you're married with a NON and have kids. In my personal opinion that really complicates things... .

Some of the questions I asked myself and other members asked me in my thread were for example: why would you like to send the text?
I feel that you should answer those questions as honest as possible. Although I am almost sure emotions play a huge role in the decision making process, you HAVE already made massive decisions and you should contemplate on the 'why'?

Why did you send her a Merry Christmas? Knowing that you wanted to mend your family.
Why did you let her reply lead to a full blown conversation?

This is not about judging you or anything. But before you try to get answers about her 'being nice', I feel you first should answer questions like the above.

[Lostinanother]

Guys, thank you very much for taking the time to reply and give me your thoughts... .

Ed, you asked me a lot of good questions... .

My ex did a lot of terrible stuff to me and I didn’t forget about it. I know I wasn’t good either and probably made her BPD a lot worse.

I thought about whether or not sending a text was a good idea or a bad idea. I imagined all of the responses I could have received and they were all bad for me, except the one outcome that I luckily received... .

After 36 days NC I really felt a lot better. I have been hitting the gym hard nearly everyday and I feel like I’ve gotten back to my old self or maybe even made an improvement.
So my head was a lot clearer and I felt I could send a Christmas message and not be overly impacted by whatever outcome there was... .

But why?
‘‘Tis the season of good will... .
But seriously, there are myriad reasons.
I wanted to let her know that she wasn’t forgotten. (Because as I suspected, she thought I was ignoring her and I hated her, and not just doing NC to detox and move on)
Another reason was there was sentimental value as we both experienced a death together at Christmas time, so I wanted to let her know that I was thinking about that... .
also over time, I have come to accept that she has the mind of a child and she isn’t completely aware of the damage she does because of the BPD.
And I didn’t discuss any of the things we both did wrong in the relationship and just kept it light and good spirited because after all I know she loved me once and she doesn’t now and we shared something deep and meaningful once but we don’t now, so in the spirit of that I sent the message... .

I have no intention of having a beer with her because I barely survived the last time we were lovers... .
I do think think about her a lot but I’ve come to realize that the things I miss are few and the things that ___ed up my head were many... .so it isn’t something I would ever go back to... .

In a way, it was closure for me. She wishes me happiness and I wish her happiness... .
two lovers now gone their separate ways but remembering the good things and the bad things but moving on... .
I actually feel a little better... .
I don’t regret contacting her at all. And I’m actually glad I could be the bigger person... .
Life is too short to hang on to hate and whatnot... .
I believe NC is good to move on and heal but NC for life or indefinitely just isn’t my style... .

But now I’m just confused about how kind she was, how she was trying to keep the conversation going, why she invited me out to drink with her, but how she remains blocking me completely on all social media... .

I thought it was black and white thinking they have, however this seems neither here nor there... .

[Lostinanother]

And I’m asking these questions not because I want her back or have hope or anything but honestly I’m curious because everything I read about BPD and I’ve been reading for months just doesn’t seem to go with her responses... .and it makes me wonder if she perhaps becoming more mentally stable... .

[once removed]

but honestly I’m curious because everything I read about BPD and I’ve been reading for months just doesn’t seem to go with her responses... .

i can tell you that this will trip you up and leave you with more questions than answers. i know how easy it is when we are learning about BPD to play every scenario and behavior and interaction through a BPD prism, i did it endlessly myself. the fact is that just isnt how it works - our exes are people, and very little of what they do falls into a neat category of pathology any more than us or anyone else.

In a way, it was closure for me. She wishes me happiness and I wish her happiness... .
two lovers now gone their separate ways but remembering the good things and the bad things but moving on... .

this is how i read the interaction. it can feel bittersweet, but i think in the long run, its usually the ideal outcome. shes indicated an openness to get together down the road and that emotions are thawing, so that will be there to explore if you choose, and its perfectly fine if youd prefer not to.

I actually feel a little better... .
I don’t regret contacting her at all. And I’m actually glad I could be the bigger person... .
Life is too short to hang on to hate and whatnot... .
I believe NC is good to move on and heal but NC for life or indefinitely just isn’t my style... .

hang onto that 

[EdR]

Hi lostinanother,

Thank you for your reply. Like I and onceremoved said: everyone is different. And that's also true for a pwBPD.

I am glad you found some closure and do not hate your pwBPD.

To anwer your question: just like onceremoved said, I do not feel her replies are extremely non typical for a pwBPD.
You said it yourself: you kept it lighthearted. There were probably no emotional triggers for her at that moment. And don't forget: she most probably was charming and friendly at the start of your r/s as well. Only a few selected people will ever see the other side of the coin :-(

This is who she is. She is not evil or anything. She is the same person you met some time ago. However, my guess is that if your conversation would have hinted at the big questions like "why did you do [... .]" , she would have acted quite differently.
Imo the same would happen if you'd pursue. Continued contact would eventually trigger her fear of abandonment/engulfment again.
Because that's who she is as well. She is shaped by her BPD traits.

Two sides of the same coin.


To be completely honest: I envy you for being able to communicate with her like this. But then again... .I remember that I felt the same before the summer holidays. Things seemed normal again. But that just didn't last very long unfortunately... .
Without being able to genuinely talk about the bad stuff, she eventually split black again. I feel your experience could fit in the same pattern.

But you are the one who could break this pattern: do not participate in this dance anymore. Just like you said, not going back seems to be the best option here. And then things might remain calm and lighthearted in the future.

[Lostinanother]

Thanks again for the replies.

I haven’t forgiven her at all. And I got little closure, but like I said it was just a Christmas message and I think even a non would be triggered by an ex talking about closure and bad stuff from a relationship that ended 4 months ago... .at some point you just have to let it go.

Also I am not getting back into contact with her again. I’ve been NC since Christmas Day and I will only reply if she contacts me. LC. Otherwise I just continue to improve myself... .

Once removed, I think you’re very right: the last two weeks I thought to myself why am I still researching BPD? That relationship is over and I have no need to keep returning to something that triggers me and keeps me from moving on... .

The BPD research and anger at her were keeping me from moving on with my life, I think. And that’s why I needed to have some kind of unemotional and detactched but friendly conversation with her on Christmas... .If you can’t do it on Christmas when can you.

Ed,
You also got the best response you could have gotten I think. You wished her merry Christmas and she wished you Merry Christmas and now you can move on and make yourself into someone that she will regret discarding in the future and by the time she realizes you won’t even care because you’ll be with someone better!

Get busy living or get busy dying

I’ve already made a lot of improvements and I am trying to be best person I can be now

[Bo123]

1st off, I hope things work out well for you and maybe you will meet for a drink, but I agree with others, its playing with fire.  It's amazing how many people use the excuse of xmas to break NC.  It's an easy excuse, what about all the other special holidays?  Her BPD getting better, ask a T about what the chances are now that she got away from you and told you she is happy with her new replacement that her brain has magically re-wired itself.  My ex called and talked during the break-up as if all was normal.  Did so 3 times after she had a new bf, finally when we had a real conversation instead of a light talk, turned out it was just sympathy calls.  I said I didn't need them and it was done.  Best of luck to you and maybe you two can be friends.  If you have not done so, read, read, read others posts, those that have gone before you.  Hope you break the trend.

[Lostinanother]

Bo, you should read my replies again as you’re preaching to the choir.