Need advice and support

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Ugh. Never fails. I'm feeling okay about things (see prior post) and then   

My daughter just called to tell me that she is running AGAIN and going on an RV trip across the country with some older dude. And that she has been doing meth. I already had a couple of run ins with me thinking she was on meth or heroin, and she says she wasn't before, so this wasn't the blow it was last time. She says she's leaving to get out of the environment she's in.

OBVIOUSLY she should be in rehab and therapy. But me telling her that would only alienate her. I am not pleased with myself because she asked for a $100 gift card to walmart for food and I said ok. So I am enabling her running away. She wore me down. Earlier she called to tell me what a bad parent I am.

I'm trying not to be hard on myself. I hope I haven't totally undone my months of boundaries by giving in on this one thing. I told her I wouldn't give her anymore, and I will stick to that.

I've been really stressing because she has to pay a fine and take an impulse control class before June to get a charge dropped (if she doesn't they will put a bench warrant out for her). This guarantees neither of those things will happen.

I could use some support. I am loathe to tell her dad that she's been doing meth and that she's running again.  This is the 4th time in 15 months that she has taken off and tried to run away. It always ends in a disaster.  I want to be done giving her advice. I just said, 'seeing the country will be fun.' it's clearly the worst idea ever but I just can't argue with her anymore. I wish I hadn't said I would give her money.  Now if I change my mind that will just hurt our relationship, which I am trying to hold on to.

again,     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I ended up texting her that I am really uncomfortable funding her running away again and that if she wants to leave she should pay for it. So I didn't send her money. I told her that I hope she has fun and finds what she is looking for, and that I love her.

Man. Thinking more about that conversation with her. She said "everyone thought I was on meth, you thought I was on meth, so I just tried it." Like, it's my fault she tried it! I thought she was on meth because I had to take her to the hospital for drug induced psychosis twice this year. Supposedly it was ecstasy, which is possible. But REALLY!

I had also told her that if she got into a bind she could use some of my frequent flier miles to come home to her apartment. I am regretting that as well. Just bailing her out again. I don't know. What would you all do?

I should note that her apartment is paid out of a monthly check we receive for adoption assistance until she is 21 (5 1/2 more months... .)

[Lollypop]

Hey hyacinth bucket

I feel for you I really do. I found my heart and head permanently conflicted - especially 17-24 years old. Be gentler with yourself, you’re doing the very best you can and you obviously love your daughter very much.

You’ve said no to giving her money and explained yourself. Then you offered her a get out - I used to do exactly the same thing! You want to ease her pain and youve given her a get out. This may prove to be a very wise decision on your part. If she reaches a point that she feels the need to come home in the next 5 months then she’s got that safety net.

This is a long journey my friend. She’s in a cycle and there’s an opportunity for this time for it to break. You can make it so that, when she does returns, she comes back to a “new” situation and not slip back into the old one. What that looks like is up to you. You’ll have the space at time to work on your skills and confidence.

I learnt to take what my DS27 said with a pinch of salt. So many accusations and skewed thinking. Fantastical at times. He’s improved with maturity and responsibility. We’ve found a way to have a relationship - adult to adult. I don’t do a dance around him any more worrying about his reaction. I dont feel guilty. SET but particularly DEARMAN help me. Have you heard of these?

How long does it normally take her to return?

Hugs to you. Take good care of yourself

LP