Ex walking into my house

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, my BPD ex-spouse just walked into my house and shut the door last night when he was dropping off the girls. No invitation.  I don't want him in my house.  His volatility makes me nervous and I just don't like having him in my space. He could easily have brought their bags to the door without coming in.

Is it reasonable for me to set a boundary that he is not to enter my home unless invited, or is this something I should just tolerate for my kids' sake?

[Texa]

So, my BPD ex-spouse just walked into my house and shut the door last night when he was dropping off the girls. No invitation.  I don't want him in my house.  His volatility makes me nervous and I just don't like having him in my space. He could easily have brought their bags to the door without coming in.

Is it reasonable for me to set a boundary that he is not to enter my home unless invited, or is this something I should just tolerate for my kids' sake?

[athwart]

It is inappropriate on more than one level for your ex to enter your home uninvited.

You have a right to set that boundary.

[livednlearned]

hi Texa,

I read through some of your recent posts, and I can understand why it would be both difficult to allow him to come in the home, and hard to turn him away. Having a BPD mother probably makes it hard to take care of yourself without feeling guilty.

Sometimes, it's much easier knowing what we could or should do, and much harder to make it happen, especially when there is a history of BPD in your family of origin.

It sounds like you would like him to not come in the home. What are ways you can assert (and enforce) that boundary that will give you some strength? For example, would you feel better if someone was with you in the home when he dropped the girls off?

Some other possibilities are to find out if you live in a one-party consent state, which would allow you to have a video camera recording without his permission. I found holding up my phone was like picking up kryptonite when my ex approached the car. We had a clause in our custody agreement that said he could not come up to my door, and vice versa. Even so, he would regularly approach the car when I dropped off our son. When that happened, I would hold up the phone and that seemed to help change his mind.

Another possibility might be having someone in the home while you exit to greet the girls outside. It's not convenient, but it helps you set a boundary without having to announce it.

I read a lot about boundaries and knew they were important, but I think there are small steps and practice required to build up the strength needed to really assert them. People with BPD tend to have no boundaries themselves and when emotions are running hot, have absolutely no regard for the ones you might want them to respect.

So that means getting creative about how to guard that boundary in a way that doesn't overload your own nervous system.

When you have someone in your life who is so erratic and volatile and irrational, setting boundaries can feel like detonating a bomb. 

It does get easier over time, with practice. My T told me to start practicing with strangers, then acquaintances, then loved ones, then difficult people in my family.

Go easy on yourself. Changing this stuff is not just hard, it's the hardest.

 

LnL

[takingandsending]

Hi Texa.

Would you feel safer at neutral drop sites, like police station, fire station, somewhere public?

[ForeverDad]

Choosing a neutral or public site is one that my order used while the conflict was high.  Another idea, change the order to the reverse, you each pick up from the other's homes.  At exchanges the kids go out, not in, harder for the ex to come in with them.

The pattern and boundary is... .your home is your home, just as his home is his home.

I've never entered my ex's home, not in 12 years.  Of course that's more her than me.  Once I did let her show me through her workplace, I declined another time she wanted me to help bring a large item into her residence.  Shared kids, separate lives overall.

[Texa]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I think a pick up outside his apartment building makes sense, and is public. I don’t even need to come into the lobby. I need to learn better boundaries.