Second time around, three years in...

[lastlight]

hi folks,

Been browsing bpdfamily but never posted; also well read in the literature by now, online and print.

Been in a long-distance relationship with a PBPD for close to three years. I am also not blameless here, having been dishonest to her about the nature of my previous relationship, which overlapped for a year before we broke it off. I now know that she wanted this to remain, that all she really wanted was to see me "on the side." I've worked hard on myself since, with therapy, meditation, breathwork, healing arts, to ensure I never act so dishonestly again. It's a commitment I am proud to hold myself to, and to which I have made in the presence of a good support network around me. But I am sure others here understand when I say that I was blown off my feet by someone whom I thought was the love of my life, and in the whirlwind, ended up acting in ways I really shouldn't have.

Been through a lot — I wrote the whole thing out, but I'm a little concerned about sharing too much in public. Last summer, it all fell apart, as I didn't understand what was going on; it was the first major devaluation. I came back from that with tools, therapy, and self-work, and reinitiated a conscious relationship with a PBPD through careful intention. After three months apart, at first it went very, very well, and I thought I could weather it, hold us together with our shared artistic projects.

But I am finally writing here because things have really taken a turn for the worst.

Christmas was bad; she cut a best friend of eight years out of her life. Her bestie said some nasty, racist, things, but her reaction was extreme. It's not the first time I've seen her cut people out.

She began to draw very close after NYE. We still had two more weeks to go before our next visit. I had booked tickets for our next visit based upon agreed dates, but she became angry when I booked them, and refused to see me, forcing me to book another set of tickets for the following week. Despite the additional cost I took this in stride. She became very emotionally needy, and I began gently reminding her, and warning her, that such emotions can backfire. We discussed the possibility, and talked hours every day. But then she flipped with another external trigger — a female friend of mine, who had stayed in the guestroom of my house the previous winter, innocuously posted on my social media, asking where a picture had been taken. This person has been (one of many) suspicion-triggers the previous summer. At first, I managed to calm her down; I had seen what was happening, and pre-empted it, dealing with the issue directly, calmly, and firmly, avoiding recycling into the past. By the end of the conversation, we reaffirmed our love, and she apologised for her emotional outburst, twice.

But the next morning it started all over. For my PBPD, this social media comment was somehow evidence we were in love, hiding a secret relationship, and that I had fathered this friend's child. Nevermind that my friend was happily married and lived on the other side of the country. None of the facts mattered, and the split this time reached a whole new level of emotional abuse. I tried to deal with it with all the tools, but it got worse day after day. She refused to take my calls. I may have made some inroad two days ago, but then she asked me to tell my friend not to post on my social media feeds, and mistakenly — perhaps a fatal mistake — I agreed, because right after, she asked to see the screenshots of our conversation. I obliged — another mistake whose precedent I had indulged in earlier in the summer, to prove I wasn't cheating. Showing her the conversation caused her to rage uncontrollably, as of course I had to explain to my friend what was going on. Of course, the real issue is that seeing her accusations reiterated to the third party involved humiliated her. She basically set up the conditions to break her own needs for privacy and isolation. And I stupidly fell for the trap.

At this point, I am being told that I disgust her, have no respect for her, that our intimate relationship is over, and that she's not coming to visit. I receive unending texts where she acts out the sounds of my supposed affair — it's at that level of childishness. The abusive language is relentless, and she is now self-sabotaging her own artistic projects. I have become firm, and set boundaries. I no longer expect the relationship to work, and have taken steps to protect myself and my work. I will give the whole thing time, but am under no illusions at this point. The only good news is that, most of the time, I've managed to keep my body calm, with meditation and other healing arts. But my calmness betrays the deep sadness I feel over seeing everything fall apart — again.

I would love to see her get help. But telling her to do so would, at this point, I believe only trigger even worse rages. I already know she was sent to a therapist in highschool, whom she detested, and distrusted. But I feel that, as she does do forms of the healing arts, and has been able to see the issues with her anger with me, that DBT would be of some use to her. Easier said than done, though, plus all the issues with health insurance in the US.

I don't expect anything to get better anytime soon. It may well be over. But I felt at this point I would share my story. There's more I might reveal if asked, as there's many lessons learned, here.

If there's one lesson here, it's be very careful of social media. It does psychological harm to most people, as we know, but for someone with BPD, especially a millenial, it's a wasp's nest of triggers. She is very concerned with presenting her image and life over social media, whereas, beyond professional use, and the usual network of far-flung friends, I am not. But then I am 10 years older.

If there's another lesson, it's work on yourself. Meditation, yoga, breathwork — do it. Get yourself into a good place.

Take care out there, stay strong. And yes I am glad we do not live together, get married, etc., all of which I wanted, at earlier stages.


Namaste.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

lastlight, welcome to bpdfamily.  I am sorry you've been coping with such a difficult relationship.  Can you tell us more about what direction you want to head in from here?  You say you don't expect the relationship to work.  Does that mean that you are conflicted about putting any more effort in going forward, or that you do want to continue to use tools like boundaries, etc. to try to improve things, even though you feel it's a long shot?

WW

[lastlight]

Can you tell us more about what direction you want to head in from here?  You say you don't expect the relationship to work.  Does that mean that you are conflicted about putting any more effort in going forward, or that you do want to continue to use tools like boundaries, etc. to try to improve things, even though you feel it's a long shot?

WW, thanks for the reply, especially to such a long post.

You're right, I am conflicted at this point.

I would very much like to see the relationship succeed, though my expectations are more realistic as to the kind of relationship it can be. That's ok, and probably best, given the stories here of folks getting married and having children (btw, I am 39).

I am concerned as to the time, emotional effort, and finances I am putting in to keep it working. On the whole it is unsustainable; it needs to become more balanced and stable.

I am concerned too about the effects of emotional stress upon my body. There has to be progress. For the past three months, up until now, there has been. I became a little too relaxed because of this.

At the moment, she says our intimate relationship is over. Without one, there is no relationship. I am not sure if I should be addressing this, or keep moving on past it, to see what changes.

I would like to try more firm tools. I have set boundaries around reiterating the past, and around blowing up my phone with inflammatory rages, but they are not often respected. Enforcing boundaries is difficult over distance as she is now fine with giving me the silent treatment. It has been 5 days since we last talked.

I feel like I've tried everything else, and more or less have nothing to lose. Unlike last summer, I feel like I'm in a different place, with a bit more emotional distance, and fortitude.

One finer point. As this relationship is often conducted over texting, using the same validation phrases can backfire. She catches on, and repeats things back to me, sarcastically. The techniques need to be sophisticated.

I feel like the next step is simply to get her on the phone.

I am now at the level of tactics. It is hard to know whether I should validate each emotional point she makes, or the whole slew of texts.

It is also hard to know whether I should honestly apologise for revealing her accusations against my friend. My intuition is that I should own what I need to own, but overall take a firmer approach.

[Radcliff]

I would like to try more firm tools. I have set boundaries around reiterating the past, and around blowing up my phone with inflammatory rages, but they are not often respected. Enforcing boundaries is difficult over distance as she is now fine with giving me the silent treatment. It has been 5 days since we last talked.

Boundaries are about what we do, not what our partner does.  So what I'm interested in is not if she agreed not to blow up your phone, but what did you do?  Did you respond to her when she blew up your phone?  When we invoke a boundary, we control our own behavior.  This is much more successful than trying to control our partner's behavior.  A boundary around texting rages might be simply not responding, or it could be putting down your phone and walking away for a while, or it could be blocking her for a couple of hours.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

I feel like the next step is simply to get her on the phone.

Could be.  Try it.  Phone conversations can also go on for hours and go nowhere.  But validation and other tools may work better over the phone.  Experiment and see what works best for the two of you.

I am now at the level of tactics. It is hard to know whether I should validate each emotional point she makes, or the whole slew of texts.

In general, I think it's a good bet to validate any emotion that is expressed.  You're not validating that she is right about something factual, but you are acknowledging the validity of her emotion to her.

It is also hard to know whether I should honestly apologise for revealing her accusations against my friend. My intuition is that I should own what I need to own, but overall take a firmer approach.

Apologies come in different flavors.  There's, "I violated my own values, that was unacceptable and I'm sorry," there's "I didn't anticipate how you would feel about that, and I should have, I'm am sorry," etc.  It is important that an apology not feel dishonest or invalidating to you.  Don't do it to appease her.  But if some flavor of genuine apology is due, it can help things.

It sounds like you are conflicted about where the relationship might go, but are willing to put some effort into improving your use of coping tools to see how much improvement there can be in the relationship.  Am I interpreting correctly?

WW