Possible small victory today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Since the breakup, I’ve only been getting my S3 on the weekends. I sporadically work Saturdays, so a lot of the time that equates to one night a week. Yesterday I spoke with the plant manager where I work about modifying my schedule so that I could have more time with him. He said it was a possibility and to get him the details. I let the ex know, and the struggle ensued. After over 2 hours of back and forth, hostility and negotiating, I was able to get her to agree to 3 weekends a month and every other Tuesday. The weekends will be Friday, Saturday and Sunday with me dropping him off at the sitter Monday morning unless I have to work that Saturday. Then I won’t be able to get him until Saturday after work. This exchange reminded me just how difficult she can be. She kept making it about her, what she wanted, calling him “my” Son and that I was being controlling. I had to keep redirecting and reminding her that it was about him and that he is “our” Son and that he has a right to have balance between both sides of his family. After threats about court, her calling me names and hostility, she finally agreed to this. I wanted every weekend and every Tuesday, but I figured I better not push her anymore and to be glad that she even agreed to this. I can always go back for more later. The arrangement is also set to where I should very, very rarely have to see her. I’m hoping that this helps with the insane anxiety I get from having to see her. I submitted the schedule to the plant manager. I should know something this week.

[JNChell]

Since the breakup, I’ve only been getting my S3 on the weekends. I sporadically work Saturdays, so a lot of the time that equates to one night a week. Yesterday I spoke with the plant manager where I work about modifying my schedule so that I could have more time with him. He said it was a possibility and to get him the details. I let the ex know, and the struggle ensued. After over 2 hours of back and forth, hostility and negotiating, I was able to get her to agree to 3 weekends a month and every other Tuesday. The weekends will be Friday, Saturday and Sunday with me dropping him off at the sitter Monday morning unless I have to work that Saturday. Then I won’t be able to get him until Saturday after work. This exchange reminded me just how difficult she can be. She kept making it about her, what she wanted, calling him “my” Son and that I was being controlling. I had to keep redirecting and reminding her that it was about him and that he is “our” Son and that he has a right to have balance between both sides of his family. After threats about court, her calling me names and hostility, she finally agreed to this. I wanted every weekend and every Tuesday, but I figured I better not push her anymore and to be glad that she even agreed to this. I can always go back for more later. The arrangement is also set to where I should very, very rarely have to see her. I’m hoping that this helps with the insane anxiety I get from having to see her. I submitted the schedule to the plant manager. I should know something this week.

[livednlearned]

Did the arrangement happen through email or phone?

[JNChell]

Text message. I’m saving them.

[ForeverDad]

Does she work?  I ask because you mentioned a sitter.  In just a year or two he'll being attending school and so who watches him during the day will be less of an issue.  And if he regularly has a sitter or daycare, then it does sound like she has typical entitled perspectives.  My ex did too, also saying our preschooler was "my son".  No amount of reasoning changed that.  It took a court order to set the parenting schedule and subsequent improvements.

You worked out a much better schedule than before.  Good for you.  Will she follow it?  Will she split hairs and look for ways to sabotage it?  Understand that courts are accustomed to alternating weekends, they figure each parent deserves some weekends with the kids as well as some weekends off too.  (If she is a policeman, fireman or medical professional who has to work weekends, courts often change the alternate weekend schedule to work with the emergency worker's schedule.)  Variations such as 3 weekends out of 4 are acceptable too.  (What if a month has 5 weekends, do you get that extra weekend?  What if a month's start splits a weekend?)

Do keep us informed of when this may go to court.  Getting her to agree to something now may not work the same when the legal system gets involved.  Do you have plans to move up to equal time?  If she is majority time parent for a long time, the court may require a substantive reason why you desire a change.

[JNChell]

She works 2 part time jobs. I’m not sure if she will try to sabotage it or not. I’m positive that she will eventually try something though. As for now, I’m happy with what I have and plan to try to stay off of her radar as much as possible. We haven’t hashed out things like the 5 weekend months yet. Like I said, I’m happy that I was able to get this out of her. I think now it’s just time to be quiet and worry about the more intricate details down the road a bit. Whether or not I ever pursue more as far as custody will be determined by his development and once he’s able to communicate better, what comes out of his mouth. I have a lot of work to do on myself before any of that is even an option. I’m thinking about eventually taking parenting classes and the like so I would at least have some certificates to present in court. I’m a good Father, but I imagine it can’t hurt to show initiative. Thanks for the info, and yes, she is beyond entitled! Has your’s chilled out any on trying to control you by proxy of your Son?

[ForeverDad]

We separated in 2005 (I had 22% time), divorced in 2008 (50% time), I sought and got custody in 2011, I went back later and again sought majority time and in 2013 I got majority time during the school year (75% time).  Finally her entitlement balloon was deflated a bit and we haven't been back since.  Of course, by then he was close to becoming a teenager and so he wasn't a baby anymore.  Yeah, she still says she hates me.  Taking charge of my life and facing the growing issues was the best thing I could do, as distressing and difficult as it turned out to be.

There is no 'right' time or 'best' time to unwind a marriage.  So don't wait for the 'perfect' opportunity, it may never come.  Yes, make preparations in the meantime but beware of putting it off.

Let me add that my ex, without court orders in place, was demanding that I have only supervised visitation.  I was unable to make deals with her at that point.  I have to turn to court as The Real Authority.

[JNChell]

That’s the one bullet I dodged. We never got married. Your point is seriously taken, though. Thanks!