realization about BPD method of causing hurt

[tiki]

This morning I had an insight about BPD and I wanted to see if others agree. Sometimes it's hard to understand exactly why it caused me so much hurt. And today I realized something. Would others agree that the main technique for hurting people is to:

1. tell a persons about their shortcomings (real or imagined) problems and faults
2. and then say that other people feel the same way.

I was just thinking in a way it's such a simple formula. And yet I've been so hurt by it. Even if know there isn't strong evidence to support what they say I still struggle to dismiss it.

Is it really that simple that is mostly the recipe?

Seeing it that way I feel like it will be much less effective on me in the future.

How in the heck did they realize this is they way to hurt and undo people. This is the way to cause them psychological stress. Using basically a persons own mind against them. I wouldn't even have known until I experienced it that it's such a hurtful thing.

[Skip]

Is it really that simple that is mostly the recipe?

It is an effective way to put someone down. It is often not logical, but it affects many.

For me, when I see this. I realize that the person is just trying to wound me and at that point, I distance myself from the conversation. There is no reasonable response to it.

I don't think this is a BPD thing. I think it is an approach that many use. It's very mean spirited.

[tiki]

maybe I should have said this is the only quality of BPD that has really caused me hurt.

I've experienced variations of the above 1 &2 but it is always some kind of variation of that simple structure. Like for instance getting people I don't even know and haven't even met to side with them and then telling me about it. Or telling me that their therapist agrees with them. Or trying to convince some of my close family and friends through toxic malicious gossip. But all of that is just finding ways to strengthen the power of their claims and invalidate you.

The worst is when so many accusations are piled against you in one outburst, it can overwhelm your ability to defend yourself to your own self.

That's what happened to me. Well many times. But one time in particular it like broke me because I couldn't defend myself to myself.

Other times it would only temporarily break me and then I could get over it.

One time I couldn't and it caused this friction in my brain, my ego, and I exhibited trauma symptoms and I thought I would never escape it.

Recently I've had this friend and I was their favorite person it took me a few months to understand he has this. And basically it's the same thing again. The same tactics.

And so having had those two people in my life and experiencing this overlap. I've realized this is basically the stuff that hurts me. I mean beside the suicide threats and the blame for all their problems, and the stress of the constant worrying about their instability. It is the above that has actually caused me like life threatening crazy making harm.

And when you talk about verbal abuse. Isn't it really in the form of the above. The telling you how horrible you are and all the ways in which you are horrible to the point where you question yourself. Sometimes it was even like you are so flawed I am doing you a favor by telling you. Like this way of abusing you by appointing themselves as your own psychotic personal counselor. Like telling you it's not my fault you're messed up. Don't blame the messenger. Like this form of verbal abuse that's laid out like it's helpful. Because then I guess they aren't doing anything wrong. Just pointing out the obvious.

I'm well along in the process of getting my stuff together. And this insight is helpful to me because now I can see this structure and recognize it and even predict it. It has got to help. Also it's crazy for me to think that what has caused me pain has such a simple structure.

[zachira]

The real borderline and narcissist both suffer from lack of object constancy. This means that they cannot integrate the positive and negative things about a person, and they only see either the positive or negative in the moment. They do not have the capacity to remember that they care about a person when they are mad, and only see the person as all bad.

[baylady]

This hit home with me.  My uBPDsis sent me a text message last week that said, "You have crossed a serious line.  I'm not sure how you stand yourself.  Almost no one else can."  So, apparently almost no one can stand me.  Never mind we have been no/low contact now for over six years, and she doesn't even know who I have relationships/friendships with.  Thanks to my husband's wisdom I have learned not to respond to crazy messages like this.  Any response would only escalate things.  She was also no contact with our parents for a long time, but my parents have "forgiven" her for all the things she has said and done to them and now expect me to do the same, "for their sake as they are 80 years old and want our family to get along before they die.  Guilt, guilt, guilt... .FOG!

[tiki]

This hit home with me.  My uBPDsis sent me a text message last week that said, "You have crossed a serious line.  I'm not sure how you stand yourself.  Almost no one else can."  So, apparently almost no one can stand me.  Never mind we have been no/low contact now for over six years, and she doesn't even know who I have relationships/friendships with.  Thanks to my husband's wisdom I have learned not to respond to crazy messages like this.  Any response would only escalate things.  She was also no contact with our parents for a long time, but my parents have "forgiven" her for all the things she has said and done to them and now expect me to do the same, "for their sake as they are 80 years old and want our family to get along before they die.  Guilt, guilt, guilt... .FOG!

I'm sorry you had to endure that. You can definitely relate. Doesn't it suck how we end up having to be on the defensive about complete bs. 

[tiki]

The real borderline and narcissist both suffer from lack of object constancy. This means that they cannot integrate the positive and negative things about a person, and they only see either the positive or negative in the moment. They do not have the capacity to remember that they care about a person when they are mad, and only see the person as all bad.

I know I've heard that. But in the case of my friend it didn't seem like that. There would be good things said even during the bad. I mean maybe I was painted black. Does that symptom have to be there? Because I feel like I was more an exceptional person who somehow also did everything bad. But I never felt like I wasn't deemed as less than exceptional. Like you're so great and here's why you suck...