Trapped By My Own Self

[WitzEndWife]

I'm starting to understand the whole cycle of untreated BPD. Things are good for a while, but, inevitably, they cycle back to awful. uBPDh has been pretty horrible for the past two months or so. I'm definitely at the point this year where I was last year, where this relationship is hanging by a thread. I think it will be better for me to explain this if I go over why I want to leave versus why I would stay.

Why I want to leave: It's clear that he isn't really capable of holding a job or having a career (he's had plenty of chances). He can be embarrassingly mean or rude to other people, especially if it's someone I see as an authority, or a friend or family member of mine. He's paranoid and has a lot of conspiracy theory ideas, which I cannot tolerate in people without disordered thinking, let alone him. He constantly criticizes me for every little thing I do (or don't do). He is morbidly depressed for months at a time, and barely lifts a finger around the house (except with the dogs and the cars - the only things he can be bothered to care about). He spends an inordinate amount of time on social media, trolling, and joining groups making fun of people who have similar political and ideological leanings to me and my family. He has no sympathy for me anymore - he used to hate seeing me cry, but now he becomes angry most of the time when I'm crying - kind of kicking me when I'm down. I have no support. It feels like I've found my last nerve, that the sand in the hourglass is running out. I hate who I've become around him - bitter, depressed, overweight, lazy, emotionally frayed and volatile at times. I'm probably shortening my own life being with him for the stress it's causing. I haven't felt truly happy in a long time. I don't laugh much anymore. I feel lonely and smothered all at once. He refuses to get help, and I'm unable to help him, no matter what I try. His rages are frightening and he keeps breaking my things. He keeps threatening to leave and go back to Canada, like he has one foot out the door at all times. He threatens suicide often, yet still begs me to purchase a firearm.

Reasons I stay: In the few fleeting moments when he's being pleasant, he can be really enjoyable to be around. We can have great conversation when he's not splitting, which is about 5% of the time. He takes care of my cars and helps fix things. He runs errands when I'm at work. He takes care of the dogs when I'm not home. I am scared to reject him because I'm scared of the fallout. I'm scared that he will kill himself or that he will do something drastic. I'm afraid of what will happen to me financially and legally (he is technically entitled to half of our assets, although I don't know if he'll take advantage of it - also he hasn't worked for most of the time we were together and we have no children, so I don't know if that will count for anything). I care about him and, despite all of the drama, I will miss him if we split. Mostly I worry about the fallout if I mention a split.

For anyone who has split from their BPD spouse, how did you do it? Was it gradual, or did you do it all at once? How was the fallout? What steps did you take to start moving in that direction?

Part of me thinks, "Wait until the next time he threatens to leave, and, instead of talking him down, let him do it." I never think that in the moment. I have deep-seated issues with rejection, so, if someone threatens to leave me, my reaction is to feel intense pain. After that pain subsides, of course, he is always back to clinging on, and I find myself wishing I'd just pushed him out the door and avoided the crushing depression that follows every argument.

I feel like I'm in a very bad place right now. I don't know what to do.

[formflier]

I feel like I'm in a very bad place right now. I don't know what to do.

   

Break this down into steps...

1.  Privately talk to an L.  Make sure you really know what he is and isn't entitled to.  Make sure L knows entire story.

Specifically ask if violence and breaking things matters.

2.  Ask specifically about restraining orders and what would happen if police arrest him or take him away.  Can you have him legally restrained from returning to your home.

3.  Once you understand what a legal pathway out looks like, I would hope you find the inner resolve to call the police when warranted.  That would also likely give you the resolve to hold other boundaries better, which may... .may... .help turn the relationship to a better place without police being involved.

You understand he won't get much better without him  owning this and trying.  Why would he try?... .his life seems to be working for him at the moment.  Once it stops working he will have a choice and you'll be wise to give him space to make his own choice.  Watch his actions, pay little attention to his words.

FF

[ozmatoz]

I feel like I'm in a very bad place right now. I don't know what to do.

Been there, still there, wish I wasn't there... .  There have been so many times lately when uBPDw has been screaming divorce and asking me to leave (again) and for some reason I can't put a finger on I push back and try to right the ship.  I'm not sure if its just my nature to try and help (rescuer) even though the relationship is dead, or if I just fear the way she would want to end it.  I have kids and a wonderful network of friends that would likely take a massive beating in the process.

It is tough to "think clearly" in the moment, as that is exactly what BPD does to the non, it keeps you off balance enough that you are in constant scramble mode rather than making sound decisions.  After a few days of calm I find myself hoping things improve but they just stay stagnant and then something else sets her off again.  I guess I would suggest not being so hard on yourself, you have someone manipulating you and causing you emotional pain.  Its not expected of you to always think clearly or do the right thing.

As far as steps go I've been doing what I can to just stop the bleeding, the more I work on that the less scramble mode I'm in and hopefully one day can make a stand and deal with the fallout.  In the mean time I've been working with an attorney and they have examples of abuse and all relative financial information as to be prepared if uBPDw files or I finally get up the courage to make a positive change to my life.

I will say my uBPDw has been making it hard lately, she puts a very convincing front on to our friends and I know they will all be scratching their heads when this finally ends (I'll be the bad guy).  Its so hard when no-one knows what is happening behind closed doors... .

I wish you some peace.
-Oz

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks both FF and Oz. I think the best thing to do right now is consult a lawyer -maybe a couple of lawyers - and find out if there's anything I can do legally to keep me from financial ruin. Ultimately, we don't have much equity in the house yet (only been paying on it for six months), so it's not like he would get a whole lot of money even if we sold it.

I think also I need to really get on the horn and start contacting therapists. I need some sort of refuge. If I could afford it, a weekend away would be awesome, but I'm already in pretty ugly shape financially because of our recent car wreck and because of having to pay for H's real estate license fees and the like.

I'm going to have to do better and set up a plan for self care and get out of the home as much as possible. Right now, H is looking for any way he can to start drama with me. He's nattering at me constantly, nitpicking every little thing. My tolerance is wearing thin.

Last night, I spent an hour making dinner for him, and I was watching a video on my phone while making said dinner. Normally, I don't bring phones to the table, but I wanted to catch the tail end of the video, so I set it up on the table and waited for H to come sit down. He said, snarkily,  "Well, I didn't know we were watching TV at the table now." I said, "Fine," and shut it off. Then, he got angry and accused me of being "defensive." I said, "Well, that was a passive aggressive comment and I read that you wanted me to shut it off. You could have just asked me to turn it off if it was bothering you." He got angry with me for saying that, and then threatened to throw my phone across the room. I said, "You could be nice to me, after I spent an hour cooking dinner for you." He picked up his bowl of pasta and threatened to throw that. He said he was going back "home" - his home country, to live with his mom. I said, "Fine, go, then. You have one foot out the door already." I went upstairs and got away from him. He came upstairs and demanded I come back downstairs and finish my food. I told him I wasn't hungry. He raged about it, so I went back downstairs and sat at the table while he ate and nattered at me. I just sat there and pushed my food around. He kept trying to force me to eat. Finally, he got up, and then I got up and threw my food away. I went back upstairs and read a book on the bed. Of course, ten to fifteen minutes later, he came upstairs and acted like nothing had happened. I cannot live like that. I'm tired of the passive aggressive snark, the cruelty, the rage. I feel emotionally battered. I need to get myself to a strong place emotionally before anything else happens.

[formflier]

Please take some time and read your own post.

You are living with a man that regularly threatens to throw things... .destroy things of yours.  He threatens to "go back home" yet refuses when you "take him up on it".

"You offered to go back to your home country... .please do.  I'm not going to live under threats against me or my possessions anymore.  After taking space to reflect on our relationship, if you can live with me without threats of violence, I will consider it at that time."

Thoughts?

Please tell me the house is in your name... .?


FF

[Lucky Jim]

Part of me thinks, "Wait until the next time he threatens to leave, and, instead of talking him down, let him do it."

Hey WEW, I don't recommend this approach, which involves handing over your power to the pwBPD.  Plus, it's likely to be a long wait, because those w/BPD are unlikely to carry through on their threats.

For anyone who has split from their BPD spouse, how did you do it? Was it gradual, or did you do it all at once? How was the fallout? What steps did you take to start moving in that direction?

I've done it and am not going to sugarcoat it: it's rough sledding to part ways with a pwBPD.  There's fallout, for sure.  I doubt there is such a thing as a "good time" to go through a b/u because there is no good time.  In my case, it started gradually with disengagement on my part, but then it ended all at once when my BPDxW kicked me out of the house and I refused to return to face more abuse.

At the end of the day, it's about your happiness, right?  Only you know what is the best path for you.  You have to call the shots for your own life without leaving it up to the pwBPD, in my view, which may seem scary to some but is also liberating.

LuckyJim

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks again, LuckyJim and FF. The house is in both of our names, unfortunately. It was something I didn't want to do, but because of immigration being a pain, it was something I had to do. He is also on the financing. I made sure that, at least if he was on the title, he was on the hook for financing as well. But all of that is to be sorted with legal advice.

I'm going to start with legal and get myself sorted out mentally and emotionally. I am definitely not in the position for a fallout. Too much stress from all points at the moment.

I agree though, my happiness is not worth this constant mess. I don't think I can live another year of this. I'm going to come up with an action plan for myself. Maybe a lawyer and therapist will help me do that.

[formflier]

   I am definitely not in the position for a fallout. Too much stress from all points at the moment.
 

So... .just so you know.  Many of us come with recurring themes in our life.

I can't do this because of (fill in blank).

There is a circular argument here that says I can't make big changes to a troublesome relationship because of the fallout.  Yet you can't stay in a troublesome relationship because of the fallout.

Switching gears:  I could have sworn there was discussion back when you were living with your parents and trying to leave that if you bought a place... it would be under your control, because of the possibility of trouble in the relationship.

Any memory how that got undone? 

I don't know much about immigration, but I'm having trouble connecting the dots on how owning a home and being on financing with you affects immigration.

If he didn't own a home... would he be kicked out?  As in if you rented or still lived with your parents?

Did you hear this directly from immigration or did it get "filtered" through your hubby?

FF

[formflier]

Are you going to take him up on his offer to have him leave?

2 things will likely happen.

1.  He leaves (I don't think this is likely)
2.  He stops threatening as much


Thoughts?

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Well, he's already forgotten about his threat, so digging it back up will only mean that I'm the big, bad person pushing him out onto the street. I think talking to a lawyer is going to put me in a better position.

Regarding immigration, we had a VERY hard time securing his marriage visa, even though he is Canadian and we're the same age (our lawyer said that it would be no problem bc there was nothing "fishy" about the situation - but he was SO wrong), because, first, he wasn't on my apartment lease, and then we were living with my parents. Given the current immigration climate, I was concerned about us having to deal with this again, so I put him on the deed. But, either way, in our state, he would have been entitled to half because it was a property that was obtained while we were married.

No matter what, I think the best thing for me to do is get to a place where I at least feel confident legally.

[GaGrl]

If you have little or no equity, all you need is a quit claim to get him off the title. You would need to arrange a time limit by which you refinance.

Point is... .All the legal stuff chi be worked out.  By a lawyer. What you have to work out is what kind of life you want vs. the life you have, and what it's going to take to get there. A therapist is the best idea for that.

(But thank God for lawyers.)

[formflier]

Well, he's already forgotten about his threat, so digging it back up will only mean that I'm the big, bad person pushing him out onto the street. 

Hey... .in this case, I would recommend that you not forget this, even though he has.

Perhaps thinking of this as being proactive and "getting in front" of the next threat. 

Since you have gotten to the place where you are looking for resolution, perhaps wise to find a calm moment and say direct and succinctly that the threats are a very serious matter to you.

No long explanations about how bad it is for you... .just it's a big deal.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

FF that's definitely a good suggestion. I will address it, for sure.

Gagrl - good to know! I'm looking into legal help and therapy today. I've had a huge project at work that has been taking up all of my time, but hopefully I will find some time to do some homework on everything.

I'm not feeling as bad today. My wave of hopelessness is ebbing.