Limbo makes it hard to know where I fit here...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm back in my home country, spending time with family, mourning with them... .laughing with them... .it's all pretty intense, but really nice so far, getting closer with them, getting to know people who I've spent years so far away from and experiencing all this magical unconditional love from them that was there all along but I did not always see or let myself embrace... .

It's just a few more days here and then back to the other world I live in so far from here... .to the isolation, to the deferred hopes and dreams, to the limits, all the limits... .I live in this beautiful, idyllic world on the outside, I feel safer than I've felt since I was a kid there, and yet my life at times is full of uncertainty, despair and resignation... .I've given these grand speeches to get things moving forward and letting go of the past, and there are parts of my life that are good, but the underlying instability never goes away... .I can't make this into the stable relationship that would make me happiest... .but it feels like a long, climb back to a job and regular life here in my home country... .

My "h" is back home... .I am conflicted about things... .I know things have to change, but I am at a loss as to how... .I feel like I yet again "saved" things (temporarily, I know it is only a matter of time until a breakup threat, the clock is ticking... .)... .and it was right at its end point... .him negotiating the terms of a divorce... .him staying away from the apartment, being cold, distant, trying to drop his attraction to me, on the phone with lawyers everyday... .He even was trying to sell the bed right out from under me and all the other possessions... .Then me, then him, coming up with crazy last ditch ideas to save things... .and then him "breaking" from his angry state and "wanting me so much"... .and then me... .knowing this can't go on like like this... .It's at a breaking point. He back and forth about getting treatment, about doing all he can to stay together, us agreeing we wish we had 9 more months to do that and then call it if we can't... .because there has to be a limit... .neither of can or want to go on with things as they are - we agree on that, but the plan to make it better is fuzzy and he probably couldn't hold onto a plan anyway because of his dysregulating... .

These last weeks have been too much... .I was forced to imagine a life beyond him, by him... .He said it so many times "Get ready to go!" "It's better to lose everything than to be with you!" All focus on the negative, the inability to repair things, just anger... .And then, after showing my devotion, my willingness to keep fighting... .But nothing has changed and I know this. I know it is just a matter of time and I am less and less willing to "save" things... .but... .And I examining why I do... .A touch of guilt over my mistakes, wanting redemption from them that I feel I can only get through him, wanting to get us back to that starting point and move past all the "unfair" things that threw our love off track, from both sides... .but... .

I am also worn out by the pattern, by the threats, by the feelings I go through every time, by the confusion, by the negative impact on my health, by the fear I feel of his mood swings, by all that I miss out on... .how unpredictable it all is... .And the intensity of him, the unpredictability of the relationship, how it makes me feel guarded and unable to reveal things I should be able to reveal for fear of triggering his dysregulation... .

I am sad. It is sad to look into his face and see his LOVE for me and it is painful to see the anger and hurt, some of which I caused... .and... .I just... .I need time and space to figure out what it would mean for me to take back a sense of control over my life... .This dynamic will always make me vulnerable... .in a way that I don't want for him or for myself... .I think of the romantic times we had, but also the instability, the times he threatened to leave me in foreign countries and take off... .and how I know he won't be able to relax (he's hyper-vigilant)... .he will always worry I will be "taken from him" by another man. I don't want this for him or myself... .but I am vulnerable to it. I'm not a flirt, but I am friendly and married or not... .men could come along who are nice and make me feel better than this makes me feel and I can't help but wonder if I should roll the dice again or... .follow through on the promises I made first to him... .but the push/pull has done real damage... .and unless we can break through this... .I just don't know how much more time I have to give without seeing enough improvements. There were some improvements, I am sure of this, but his jealousy, possessiveness, isolation of me... .over the top requests that I not speak or sit near any males on the flight over here... .and to always want to keep me on a short leash... .

I belong to no one. No one owns me or my life. I want to share a life, not be under any amount of control intentional or not... .After all this, all these years, I still don't know if I am in a relationship... .I made up a silly song about it to break the ice over the subject of his control and treating the relationship like something only gets to decide about... .I tried to shift the dynamic to it being "our decision" whether we go forward or not... .

But, I revealed some to an uncle here yesterday and I am sure, I am sure my family would help me out of all this... .but I am torn... .It's hard to see something not work out... .to watch love die... .to lose a life... .but I am not sure I ever really had a relationship with him... .that was... .this is just not what I know a relationship to be... .Am I improving things? conflicted? learning from a "failed relationship"? I don't know where I fit.

[pearlsw]

I'm back in my home country, spending time with family, mourning with them... .laughing with them... .it's all pretty intense, but really nice so far, getting closer with them, getting to know people who I've spent years so far away from and experiencing all this magical unconditional love from them that was there all along but I did not always see or let myself embrace... .

It's just a few more days here and then back to the other world I live in so far from here... .to the isolation, to the deferred hopes and dreams, to the limits, all the limits... .I live in this beautiful, idyllic world on the outside, I feel safer than I've felt since I was a kid there, and yet my life at times is full of uncertainty, despair and resignation... .I've given these grand speeches to get things moving forward and letting go of the past, and there are parts of my life that are good, but the underlying instability never goes away... .I can't make this into the stable relationship that would make me happiest... .but it feels like a long, climb back to a job and regular life here in my home country... .

My "h" is back home... .I am conflicted about things... .I know things have to change, but I am at a loss as to how... .I feel like I yet again "saved" things (temporarily, I know it is only a matter of time until a breakup threat, the clock is ticking... .)... .and it was right at its end point... .him negotiating the terms of a divorce... .him staying away from the apartment, being cold, distant, trying to drop his attraction to me, on the phone with lawyers everyday... .He even was trying to sell the bed right out from under me and all the other possessions... .Then me, then him, coming up with crazy last ditch ideas to save things... .and then him "breaking" from his angry state and "wanting me so much"... .and then me... .knowing this can't go on like like this... .It's at a breaking point. He back and forth about getting treatment, about doing all he can to stay together, us agreeing we wish we had 9 more months to do that and then call it if we can't... .because there has to be a limit... .neither of can or want to go on with things as they are - we agree on that, but the plan to make it better is fuzzy and he probably couldn't hold onto a plan anyway because of his dysregulating... .

These last weeks have been too much... .I was forced to imagine a life beyond him, by him... .He said it so many times "Get ready to go!" "It's better to lose everything than to be with you!" All focus on the negative, the inability to repair things, just anger... .And then, after showing my devotion, my willingness to keep fighting... .But nothing has changed and I know this. I know it is just a matter of time and I am less and less willing to "save" things... .but... .And I examining why I do... .A touch of guilt over my mistakes, wanting redemption from them that I feel I can only get through him, wanting to get us back to that starting point and move past all the "unfair" things that threw our love off track, from both sides... .but... .

I am also worn out by the pattern, by the threats, by the feelings I go through every time, by the confusion, by the negative impact on my health, by the fear I feel of his mood swings, by all that I miss out on... .how unpredictable it all is... .And the intensity of him, the unpredictability of the relationship, how it makes me feel guarded and unable to reveal things I should be able to reveal for fear of triggering his dysregulation... .

I am sad. It is sad to look into his face and see his LOVE for me and it is painful to see the anger and hurt, some of which I caused... .and... .I just... .I need time and space to figure out what it would mean for me to take back a sense of control over my life... .This dynamic will always make me vulnerable... .in a way that I don't want for him or for myself... .I think of the romantic times we had, but also the instability, the times he threatened to leave me in foreign countries and take off... .and how I know he won't be able to relax (he's hyper-vigilant)... .he will always worry I will be "taken from him" by another man. I don't want this for him or myself... .but I am vulnerable to it. I'm not a flirt, but I am friendly and married or not... .men could come along who are nice and make me feel better than this makes me feel and I can't help but wonder if I should roll the dice again or... .follow through on the promises I made first to him... .but the push/pull has done real damage... .and unless we can break through this... .I just don't know how much more time I have to give without seeing enough improvements. There were some improvements, I am sure of this, but his jealousy, possessiveness, isolation of me... .over the top requests that I not speak or sit near any males on the flight over here... .and to always want to keep me on a short leash... .

I belong to no one. No one owns me or my life. I want to share a life, not be under any amount of control intentional or not... .After all this, all these years, I still don't know if I am in a relationship... .I made up a silly song about it to break the ice over the subject of his control and treating the relationship like something only gets to decide about... .I tried to shift the dynamic to it being "our decision" whether we go forward or not... .

But, I revealed some to an uncle here yesterday and I am sure, I am sure my family would help me out of all this... .but I am torn... .It's hard to see something not work out... .to watch love die... .to lose a life... .but I am not sure I ever really had a relationship with him... .that was... .this is just not what I know a relationship to be... .Am I improving things? conflicted? learning from a "failed relationship"? I don't know where I fit.

[Notwendy]

From your posts there are circumstances besides a BPD relationship. You have been in a foreign country where you can not be employed or have legal protection as a non citizen and probably as a woman. In your Hs country you live as his possession. In your home country you are not.

You are feeling a reprieve from your relationship drama and also freedom and support from family. Naturally this is new and a bit scary. But you also feel something is good for you and hesitate to go back.

Every relationship change involved gains and losses. Those are yours to choose. One option is to gain more time - to think things out and extend your stay. Once you are back you may not have the opportunity to choose like you do now.

[pearlsw]

Hey notwendy, thanks! Just a quick correction. I do have a job overseas. It's not much, but I do work. The laws actually do protect me in some ways, in others not. It is what it is. I am not worried about that so much really anymore. I've seen the edges of this and I am fine with the legal stuff.

The relationship drama follows me wherever I go... .he is obsessed about what I am doing with my time here... .and not being sensitive to the fact that I am here to mourn... .He sees me through the eyes of jealousy... .I just got a note asking if I am alone at the hotel... .usually I stay with a relative, but there was no room this time and I, and many other family members are at a hotel, but his questions are "are you out drinking?" "who is sharing your room with you?" Nothing about how are you feeling, how's the weather, just stuff that humanizes me... .in my eyes. Ya know?

Thanks for the kind advice! I am trying to use the time to rebuild my inner strength, find my supporters and allies amongst the family and... .see what resources I can tap the next time things go south, because they will... .they will... .

 

[itgetsbetter94]

Dear pearl, I'm sorry for your loss.
If anything, this sad occasion gave you an opportunity to reconnect with your family and find confidants and support in them. I'm happy to read that you have your safety net where you can land on if things went south.
You've been brave and silent for so long now, let them take care of you. I'm sure they see your suffering and the toll this marriage has on you.
But, please, proceed with a caution (these words my therapist used) when you come back to his country- he knows something is up, he's losing control over you, he's desperate and afraid. I'm not saying it will happen, I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but he might become more impulsive than usual when you return (because, for once, he does have a reason to believe you will abandon him). I have kind of bad feeling, please, just take care.

[Notwendy]

Even if you do have some rights in his country, let's just say he has the upper hand there. This makes the relationship unequal. You are dependent on him mostly, have few options- when he leaves you during his episodes, you are alone, in the house, with no close support or way to really leave yourself- even if you chose to. I know you are a strong person, but he has more power on his own home turf.

Right now that power is less and he isn't handling it well. The jealousy may be his way of putting his fears on to you. You may not choose to leave him, but if you did, you are in the best position to do so right now, and he knows it. He's lost some control over you and I think from your post that you are liking that. If you go back though it is back to the way things were before.

Have you ever read any of Patricia Evans' books? Controlling People is an eye opener.