Struggling to find center. Will we make it?

[Shredder1984]

I don't even know where to begin... .this is my first time using a forum site, and this... .will be my first post. My wife and I have been together for 3 years. Living together for about a year and a half, and married for 7 months or so. The entirety of our relationship, J and I have struggled to find center.   I love her more than I have ever loved anyone, we have 4 children (three are mine and one is her's at least biologically) ranging in age from almost 7 to 14. Since virtually the moment J and I moved in together it has been a struggle. she seems to lose control at the smallest transgressions. I've spent a year, desperate to correct my behavior, to give her the love and support she needs, and at times, demands. For a year I have tried and failed. There is no number of things I can correct to make her happy.  I thought that if I could just stop making mistakes that she would settle in. That all of this would go away. The name calling, the threats, leaving me.  Breaking me over and over again.   We have so much external stress, two custody cases simultaneously, finances are always a struggle, she's a full time student, both of our exes are nightmares, and we always seem to be at each other's throats. J had a horrendous upbringing a childhood that is the stuff of nightmares, since I've known her she's struggled with her mental health. It is a continuous and ongoing challenge, Shortly after our (her) son was born she overdosed on prescription drugs, this cost her custody of her son, and  she has been desperately fighting to get him back ever since. Therapy, doctors, everything she can do, she does. As part of her custody case we made the decision to get a psych eval done for her. Last Friday the results came back, with a BPD diagnosis. Since then I have been in a frenzy of research.  It's all so suddenly, so incredibly clear.  I read story after story of men and women as broken as I feel that found themselves where I am. The anger, the swings, the seeming hatred, all there.  I'm lost, Scared, and terrified that we won't make it. I feel like I could type for hours here, filling this page with fear after fear.  Will she accept the diagnosis? I've spent a year taking the blame and agreeing with her, trying to change, will she understand how BPD has affected us? Will she be open to getting the real help she needs? that we need?  Can I be strong enough?  Can I learn to support her in ways that are healthy for both of us? Can I learn empathy?  
I want J to see her how I see her, know how loved she is, how incredible she is, I want her to know that I realize this isn't her BPD doesn't define her, its simply a piece of a beautiful, loving, complicated person, an incredible mother, partner and friend. How do we heal? Couples therapy starts today... .after that? ___. who knows.

I guess it all comes down to one question... .

Is there hope? truly?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Shredder1984 and welcome to the board!

 

I'm sorry that you have so much external stress to cope with on top of the problems with your wife. That is A LOT. 

How does she feel about couples therapy? Have you two discussed goals?

I want to tell you that yes, there is hope, and the board is one of the best places to find it. To put one positive spin on the situation - the external issues led to a diagnosis for your wife. This served to finally give you some explanation for all the years of chaos and confusion, and with any hope it could open the door to treatment in the future. Those three letters liberated me in a way I never thought possible.

My first suggestion to you is to read through the stories on the board to see all the common ground you share with others. Since you are looking for hope, a great place to start might be with the success stories, though since all of our situations are different I think the only guaranteed success story is the one we make for ourselves. That's through learning coping and interpersonal skills that help us to be stronger people whether we stay with our partners or not. "Will she accept the diagnosis" is of course a burning question, but its the one whose answer is most out of our control. The question we should spend the most time on is, "how will I be myself in response to whatever decision they make"?

Hope this helps!

Success stories: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

[pearlsw]

Hi Shredder1984,

You and your partner have been going through so much! It takes a lot of work and a lot of self-awareness, but there is hope, okay? I think RolandofEid wrote a really beautiful reply to you and hit the nail on the head with the question of "how will I be myself" in response to this?

There is a strong community here that you are a part of now and will be able to help you as you go through this step by step.

So, she is aware of the diagnosis too? How is she taking it so far?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.