Why is she keeping my stuff? Is it a glimpse of hope or false hope?

[randomuser94]

I'ts been a while since our break-up and my splitting. She's been in a constant depression for the last 2 months(alcohool daily, drugs and even a suicide attempt) . She asked me to leave my stuff at home and just move with few things when we broke-up.
  Recently she stoped dating "the other guy" and started acting friendly with me once again. We had some exchanges where and there moslty about how's our life. 2 days ago she sent me a msg thanking me a lot for some things i did for her a while back. I told her it's my pleasure and that I would like to come and pack the rest of my things and move out. Her respone was that "she doesn't know when I can come. She will let me know.If i need anything urgently, i should tell her." Funny thing is that she has a free week, so basically she will be alone at home the entire week.
 
  Is she trying to buy time for a reason or just hold on to my stuff for no real reason? I know she's affraid of completely losing me but is this a glimpse of hope that she wishes to come back to our relation? Or is it just her sticking to our memories but without real desire to restart our relation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

To me it sounds like shes hoping you will move back in.

[randomuser94]

To me it sounds like shes hoping you will move back in.

The problem is that every time we met she pointed out that "we are over". Her words are the complete oposite of her actions...

[lighthouse9]

My heart goes out to you randomuser, this kind of push/pull can be exhausting.

If you're posting here, I'm assuming it is because you would like to repair this relationship. With that being said, what would a repaired relationship look like to you? More of the same? Something different? Be careful here not to just jump to "if she could just... ." because we can't control them, and fantasies of fixing them will in all likelihood backfire.

So, the other guy is gone - that's great! Is that a boundary of yours? No other men? How would you enforce this boundary?

She's holding your stuff captive. Are you on the lease? Do you have a key? Does anyone else live there/is anyone else on the lease? Basically, do you have any legal standing for going into the home when she isn't there to get your belongings? Is this a boundary for you - no holding your stuff captive? If so, then let's troubleshoot enforcing it. If it's not a boundary, then let's troubleshoot the hostage situation and what negotiating with her is allowing. Are there other boundaries being crossed here?

I'm sure you've heard this a million times on here, and so much easier said then done, but you're going to have to lead here. You're going to have to be the one to manage conflict and to set and enforce boundaries. If you don't want it to be over, then go back to my first question - what does being together look like for you?

Good luck, and again, my heart goes out to you - this stuff is absolutely draining.

-L

[enlighten me]

The problem is that every time we met she pointed out that "we are over". Her words are the complete oposite of her actions...

What you need to understand about BPD is a lot of the actions are feelings based. When she is alone she misses you and wants to go back to how it was before. When face to face her feelings overwhelm her and she says the opposite of her actions.

Its a bit more complicated than that but the basics are there. How many of us here have thought about getting back with an ex but when we see them we are reminded of why it didn't work? Its the same for a person with BPD but a bit less stable emotionally.

Another thing that springs to mind is my exgf used to say words are worthless its actions that are real. Whether this is because shes a compulsive liar so holds no value in the words of others I don't know but shes right. If someone is hitting you and telling you they love you which one do you believe?

[randomuser94]

Thank you very much for showing interest in my thread.

With that being said, what would a repaired relationship look like to you? More of the same? Something different? Be careful here not to just jump to "if she could just... ." because we can't control them, and fantasies of fixing them will in all likelihood backfire.

I've realised about her BPD after the 2nd break-up we had 2 months ago. Since then I've read a lot about this. Everything she did made sence to me. I'm not willing to go back into the same relation. I wanna set things up differently this time and let her go trough with my rules.

So, the other guy is gone - that's great! Is that a boundary of yours? No other men? How would you enforce this boundary?

The guy was created as the knight in the shining armor when i got splited black. She ended things with him as the roles got reversed(he became the abuser). She started talking to me again after that, more friendly than ever. She does it rarely but she at least does it.

She's holding your stuff captive. Are you on the lease? Do you have a key? Does anyone else live there/is anyone else on the lease? Basically, do you have any legal standing for going into the home when she isn't there to get your belongings? Is this a boundary for you - no holding your stuff captive? If so, then let's troubleshoot enforcing it. If it's not a boundary, then let's troubleshoot the hostage situation and what negotiating with her is allowing. Are there other boundaries being crossed here?

She;s not keeping my stuff captive(or at least I don't think so). After we broke up(violently) she begged me to leave my staff in the house when she noticed that I'm moving for real. Her reason was that she needed to see my staff in the house to feel like at home. Everytime i propose about "getting my things from the house" she postphones or find reasons to change the subject. I'm not sure if she does this because she just got used to me or if she has feelings and wants me back.
  I had the key but I gave it to her BFF to take care of our cats when i was to busy to take care of them. If i ask for the key back, after i told her that I want

You're going to have to be the one to manage conflict and to set and enforce boundaries. If you don't want it to be over, then go back to my first question - what does being together look like for you?

I'm well aware of those things. I have enough information to set things up. If Ill start again with her(and with her agreeing on those terms), I will continue in inform myself about everything.
I wanna start again but a completly different relation.

  I'm not sure about what i should do now. I think she is scared once again that I'm serious about leaving and wishes to postphone the day I have to come and get my things.Right now she has the decission if I leave or not.Basically she won't be able to paint me black because i won't abandon her, it will the other way arround. As I said, I'm not sure about whether she wants me back or just keeps me because she got used with me and my stuff. I don't know if i should wait and let her ask to see me or if I should I propose to her that we see eachother. I'm not sure if I should try to talk to her or let her send the first msg
  I'm still a bit shocked by the fact that her depression got worse and passed the point of 2 months(she even had a suicide attempt). Is it normal for someone to suffer for this long? 2 months of constant crying, beeing drunk 24/24 and drugs seems a lot for a break-up she asked for.

  Should i just give her more time and let her initiate everything? Will a meeting between the 2 of us will confuse her even more or does she need me now?

[randomuser94]

What you need to understand about BPD is a lot of the actions are feelings based. When she is alone she misses you and wants to go back to how it was before. When face to face her feelings overwhelm her and she says the opposite of her actions.

That;s probably the hardest thing to manage for me right now. Basically I have to do nothing and stay away? Ignore and let her start a conversation or should I have some small talks? My guess is that if we get to talk, I should never speak about my feelings?

[stixx44]

My opinion is that she wants a part of you, but not you, to remain in her life.  My ex recently got upset when I finally stated I was going to actually block her number.  That really caused anxiety for her. 

And then she kept an article of clothing that she knew I wanted back.

They don’t want the actual relationship, but they do want to dwell in the memories.  For some reason, that’s enough for some people.

[randomuser94]

My opinion is that she wants a part of you, but not you, to remain in her life.  My ex recently got upset when I finally stated I was going to actually block her number.  That really caused anxiety for her. 

And then she kept an article of clothing that she knew I wanted back.

They don’t want the actual relationship, but they do want to dwell in the memories.  For some reason, that’s enough for some people.

   I understand that part. She has many "memories" from me. She has tons of sentimental gifts that i gave her(lots of stupid romantic things like a jar with 100 love letters and the roses I've used when i proposed etc.).
  She wants me to leave EVERYTHING at home, not just few things. My PC is still there, most of my clothes, my tuxedo and so on. I don't think she wants them as "memories"

[enlighten me]

My opinion is that she wants a part of you, but not you, to remain in her life.  My ex recently got upset when I finally stated I was going to actually block her number.  That really caused anxiety for her. 

And then she kept an article of clothing that she knew I wanted back.

They don’t want the actual relationship, but they do want to dwell in the memories.  For some reason, that’s enough for some people.

I think its a little more complicated than that and its not just a BPD thing. A lot of BPD behaviour we see is normal behaviour turned up to the max. Many of us here post break up still wanted a relationship with our ex. We just didn't want all the bad stuff that went with it. A lot of us had special times that we wanted to remember still. So what is different about a pwBPD feeling this way? Yes they might want the relationship still but know we will trigger them as we will remind them of how being with us made them feel and act. The difference for the pwBPD is the extremes and how they act with them. They may keep a memento or give us mixed messages. How many here still have pictures of their ex? Now its not much of a step from a picture to a memento is it. How many have thought about putting the feelers out for a reconciliation but never dared to?

Just because it isn't how we would act doesn't make it too far from what we would do.