40 years around the sun

[Depression = 72% of members]

Tomorrow I turn 40. Where has time gone? Where has my life gone?

I had such dreams in high school. I was going to finish my Bachelor's by the time I was 20, finish my PhD in another 2 years and then begin counseling others. IN a few years after I would start my own counselor practice. What great dreams those were.

Instead, I didn't start college until I was 25. I finally graduated at 32. I've been in a relationship for 13 years with my uBPDh. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I've spent so many years waiting to do things until he was better, until things stabilized, until we were in a good place.

And we are at the point now, at least in as good a place as we may ever be. I still have so many things that I want to do with my life. But I still feel like my H holds me back. So many of the things I want to do would require time commitments out of the house or travel and I just don't see him being ok with too much.

I really really want to begin doing some biblical counseling at my church or through another faith based organization. This would require me to attend some classes, find a counseling partner, and meet clients outside of the home a couple times a week. Currently my H doesn't complain with me leading a women's group once a week but I worry that if I add too much more to that, we will hit a tipping point.

I also want to take a mission trip out of the country in a couple years. This would require a substantial amount of money plus about 2 weeks out of the house. I really don't know if I could ever convince him of this OR he would want to go with me (which would be great, but he doesn't share my faith so would he just interrupt my focus?)

Just the other day he asked me "What's the one thing you want to do in life?" I told him "Go on an over seas mission trip." The look on his face showed that he was absolutely shocked that of all the things to pick, I chose that.  It actually left him a little speechless. He didn't really respond, but just said something about being a long way to fly and the subject ended.

I think it's time though. I think I need to begin making plans towards one of these two goals. If I don't stop waiting on him and actually start doing the things I want to do in life, then I'll feel like I accomplished something.

I think I'll start with finding out the details of a mission trip and then I'll come back to this post looking for some help on how to address it with my H.

[Tattered Heart]

Tomorrow I turn 40. Where has time gone? Where has my life gone?

I had such dreams in high school. I was going to finish my Bachelor's by the time I was 20, finish my PhD in another 2 years and then begin counseling others. IN a few years after I would start my own counselor practice. What great dreams those were.

Instead, I didn't start college until I was 25. I finally graduated at 32. I've been in a relationship for 13 years with my uBPDh. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I've spent so many years waiting to do things until he was better, until things stabilized, until we were in a good place.

And we are at the point now, at least in as good a place as we may ever be. I still have so many things that I want to do with my life. But I still feel like my H holds me back. So many of the things I want to do would require time commitments out of the house or travel and I just don't see him being ok with too much.

I really really want to begin doing some biblical counseling at my church or through another faith based organization. This would require me to attend some classes, find a counseling partner, and meet clients outside of the home a couple times a week. Currently my H doesn't complain with me leading a women's group once a week but I worry that if I add too much more to that, we will hit a tipping point.

I also want to take a mission trip out of the country in a couple years. This would require a substantial amount of money plus about 2 weeks out of the house. I really don't know if I could ever convince him of this OR he would want to go with me (which would be great, but he doesn't share my faith so would he just interrupt my focus?)

Just the other day he asked me "What's the one thing you want to do in life?" I told him "Go on an over seas mission trip." The look on his face showed that he was absolutely shocked that of all the things to pick, I chose that.  It actually left him a little speechless. He didn't really respond, but just said something about being a long way to fly and the subject ended.

I think it's time though. I think I need to begin making plans towards one of these two goals. If I don't stop waiting on him and actually start doing the things I want to do in life, then I'll feel like I accomplished something.

I think I'll start with finding out the details of a mission trip and then I'll come back to this post looking for some help on how to address it with my H.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

I just hit 40 last year.  I don't know why, but it felt like quite a big deal, and I've never had half the fully formed wishes/plans you've listed here.

I worry that if I add too much more to that, we will hit a tipping point.

I think you need to give it a try - he will dysregulate again, but it's all about pushing the boundaries to establish new ones - take a few steps, let them adjust, repeat.  It took a while to get where you are, but you made it

[Meili]

I hope that your 41st trip around the Sun is the best yet!

[pearlsw]

Tomorrow I turn 40. Where has time gone? Where has my life gone?

I had such dreams in high school. I was going to finish my Bachelor's by the time I was 20, finish my PhD in another 2 years and then begin counseling others. IN a few years after I would start my own counselor practice. What great dreams those were.

Instead, I didn't start college until I was 25. I finally graduated at 32. I've been in a relationship for 13 years with my uBPDh. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I've spent so many years waiting to do things until he was better, until things stabilized, until we were in a good place.

And we are at the point now, at least in as good a place as we may ever be. I still have so many things that I want to do with my life. But I still feel like my H holds me back. So many of the things I want to do would require time commitments out of the house or travel and I just don't see him being ok with too much.

I think I'll start with finding out the details of a mission trip and then I'll come back to this post looking for some help on how to address it with my H.

Oh TH,

This was such a meaningful and helpful post! Glad you shared your thoughts on this. I can relate. In my case I thought being with my "h" would lead to more in life and not... .so much pain and so much less personal success. I've had a few more trips around the sun than you and all I can say is there is no time like the present. What a great reward for all you've managed to build in the past year. Yes, it will be hard on him if you take a trip, but I pray that you find a way to do it anyway. When I recently told my "h" that if we were still together by next Christmas/New Years I would not be spending it with him and his kids I could see he was hurt and his mental wheels were already grinding. He felt pain and fear. Nevertheless, I won't put myself through another lousy holiday season for the sake of anyone. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest and I am tired of waiting for happiness. I find joys here in there in life, but I want something bigger. We seem to be together at the moment, who knows... .but I know I cannot live this life as it was. Something must change. So again, I strongly encourage you to do the things you love and not let this ruin life... .It is so much better to have the things that bring you meaning and let you feel satisfied. Even though we embrace our care taking roles  must not let our care taking roles get to that point.

warmly, pearl.

[heartandwhole]

Hi TH,

I had the same dreams when I was young: expected to start college and work my way to a PhD in psychology, and become a therapist. Well, I was on track when... .life happened... .as it does.  

I had other dreams that took me down many paths and to many places. I went back to school later in life, too. Taking the detour taught me so much.

I know that feeling of being held back. It's tough. When I feel that way, I ask myself if there is a part of me that doesn't want to move forward (or is afraid, or doesn't know how). Sometimes the "outside" is reflecting something going on inside of us. That may not be the case with you, but wanted to put it out there, in case it resonates.

I hope your day, and year, is a wonderful one.  

heartandwhole

[lighthouse9]

Hey TH,

I just wanted to say happy birthday and wish you a year full of the rewards of care taking (that hopefully outweigh the risks) and send along my best wishes that you get to go on your trip. Your light is bright, as is clear from the things you desire to do for others in the world. Wishing you endless support to keep that light bright, from both within and around you.

All the best,

-Lighthouse

[Tattered Heart]

I know that feeling of being held back. It's tough. When I feel that way, I ask myself if there is a part of me that doesn't want to move forward (or is afraid, or doesn't know how). Sometimes the "outside" is reflecting something going on inside of us. That may not be the case with you, but wanted to put it out there, in case it resonates.

That is my fear. Do I use him as an excuse to not move forward? There is a bit of a saboteur in myself. I get to a certain point and then lose interest or get comfortable.

Thank you everyone else for the birthday wishes.

[isilme]

[Lakebreeze]

Happy Birthday TH!
Wishing you the very best year ahead. You have been a beacon of hope for me... .Your posts always inspire me to chose boundries with kindness. To keep fighting even in a difficult marriage. To choose joy. And Love.
Your life isn't easy. It's one thing to make a plan. It another thing to watch it play out. Spend a little time acknowledging how hard it all is. It is hard being married to a BPD. REALLY hard.
Please don't forget that you deserve some kindness too.  Even if if upsets your husband.
Birthday Hugs
Lakebreeze

[I Am Redeemed]

Happy birthday, TH!

[I Am Redeemed]

I turned 40 last nov. I don't know how this happened . Wasn't I just 20- something?