As we approach my DD’s 18th birthday

[Yepanotherone]

3 days to go ! I’m on a countdown and I’m not sure why ! Becoming 18 ie a young adult is a huge deal under normal circumstances, but in the BPD world it can bring about its own set of nightmares for parents !
I’m looking forward to my DD becoming 18 on the one hand but I’m filled with trepidation in the other . EEEEk !

We are signing the car over to my DD on the day of her birthday. She will have the title , register it and get her own insurance policy that she will pay for herself . She says she’ll be sensible and not do anything stupid in the car again ( like getting caught by police smoking marijuana in it with friends !)

Here’s hoping !

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

What are your thoughts on rescuing her if she does something foolish like that again? Have you discussed her impeding emancipation and how the roles will change?

[Yepanotherone]

I hope beyond hope she’s learned her lesson Turkish as far as that’s concerned. She went to court and served her probation time . She also realizes (finally !) that she has a whole lot more to lose than other kids doing the same thing . We live in Colorado where marijuana is the norm and is legal ( but it’s not legal to smoke it in public ... .that’s why she got charged )  However , even though it was considered a minor offense here , by federal law it’s still illegal and is treated the same as heroin or cocaine . So it’s affected her ability to apply for citizenship here . There are deportation consequences if she gets a second offense . I took her to an immigration  lawyer because she really wasn’t taking me seriously when I was trying to explain to her the consequences are far greater for her than her peers  “ it’s only a bit of pot Mum “ ,  was her response . Until she heard it from the lawyer , it didn’t sink in .
She’ll have to watch myself , her dad and sister apply for citizenship now and she has to wait another 5 years and keep her nose squeaky clean . So there has already been quite significant consequences for her that she’s having to deal with .

We’ve told her she’ll be completely responsible in all legal liability too once the car is hers .  She does seem to have matured a bit in the last few months and pulled away from the drug using friends some time ago . It’s on her now to make sure she doesn’t mess up again . I think she gets it . I hope so anyway !  Her  behaviors in recent months would suggest she’s turned quite a few corners so fingers crossed .

What are your thoughts on rescuing her if she does something foolish like that again? Have you discussed her impeding emancipation and how the roles will change?

[Turkish]

This sounds hopeful   

[wendydarling]

Oh Yep, what a journey you've been on! I can understand your trepidation. I too hope those important lessons have sunk in time for this big day arriving, recent indications there is change be the best birthday present, she keeps going forwards. You put your trust in her being responsible for the car, I hope this is another positive change you can both add to the list.

Keep going Yep, you are doing brilliantly.   

How is the day being spent?

WDx

[Yepanotherone]

Hi WD , we had a lovely day Thankyou i was working but my husband took the day off to spend with my DD getting the car signed over to her .  She went to school , then  went to work ( she works in a diner ) and we met her there for dinner .  When we all got home , she opened the rest of her presents , blew out the candles on her birthday cake , and it was generally a peaceful day .  A far cry from her birthday LAST year when we got into a physical altercation ( she was shoving me at the front door as I tried to stop her leaving   , screaming at me and calling me for everything “f*8*8*g b**ch I hate you !” etc etc as she ran out the door to meet her drug abusing/drug peddling  boyfriend! , me then on the phone to the State begging them to take my child off my hands  because I literally couldnt handle anymore , calling crises helplines , then later calling the police to report my DD as a runaway because she wouldn’t come home. Then when she finally DiD come home in the middle of the night , she barged into our bedroom and screamed more abuse because we didn’t have a birthday cake set out for her  . Urgh ... .shuddering at the memories of that day . That was my lowest point in this whole ordeal ( even surpassing all those times when I’ve sat by her hospital bed in ER watching her sleep after her taking yet another overdose , the dried up charcoal all over her lips , her arms all bloodied and scarred from recent slashings  she had given herself ) . I felt I was completely losing my mind that day and all out of hope . Totally burned out . 

Of course , her 18th birthday was  not only indicative of moving into young adulthood. It was a celebration of her actually MAKING it to her 18th . She had told various therapists that she was not going to make her 18th because she would have taken her own life before then . She has had this thought firmly in her head since middle school . So it was quite a landmark for a variety of reasons

[wendydarling]

Oh Yep   I'm so pleased the day went well.  It can go to show things may change, we inch forward, you've done brilliantly to stay the course and still have all your wee marbles   It's so hard when we are in the thick of crisis and drama ever to see an end, a calm place, you so deserve it Yep!

Do you remember when we both hooked up here together 2 years ago swapping stories and frustrations, both our girls were in regular admission to ER (I sent you a link to my DD's blog) AND NOW THEY ARE NOT

May they continue to grow, the path they are choosing.

WDx