Broken hearted stepmom

[copingwithbpd17]

I have a 17 year old step daughter with BPD. She has lived with her dad and I and our other two children for the last two and a half years. She does not have much of a relationship with her mother and pretty much hates going to see her. We have no break from the constant stress of the every day crises, drama and issues surrounding her. If I started a list, it would include, anorexia, cutting, car accidents, depression, panic attacks, an abusive relationship with a boy, turning bi-sexual, drug use. The stress is daily and this past weekend, I really lost it after she hit and damaged my son's car in our driveway. There's just never a day where there's peace and no problems. I am not doing well. I love my husband but my own mental health is suffering and I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She has plans to move out now due to me going off on her (which was pretty mild but I cried all weekend and have held it together for over two years) - I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel - like nothing will ever get better - and I've lost all my joy. There's barely any energy left for my other two children. I feel guilty I can't deal with this but I am on the verge of moving out just to have peace. Please help.

[Peace95]

The only advice I can give you is to try to get your husband on board with you to put an end to the control she is having over your family. It is the most difficult step to take when you love someone but disallowing them to control you is key.It will not stop otherwise. If you can get her to engage in therapy/counselling great, but if not, something has got to change that tells her by action that her behaviour is not longer acceptable. Unfortunately she has learned that it is.

Lots of hurt, emotions and exhaustion... .all so draining, I know.

[kells76]

Hi fellow stepmom, and welcome -- you've found a good group of people who know a lot of what you're going through.

You sound so exhausted with all the drama and energy and crises. That is so much for any family, and being a stepmom sometimes feels like you invest twice the energy for half the positive results... .

Tell us some more about the support you have right now. Do you have a counselor you talk with? Does your side of the family (your parents, any siblings) know what's going on? One of the things that saw my husband and I through the bad times was a really good marriage counselor. Our weekend with the kids would end Sunday and then I told myself I just had to hang on until our appointment on Monday and it would all come out.

I hear a lot I can relate to from you -- "holding it together", "feeling guilty", "barely any energy left" -- you're not alone in feeling that. And like Peace95 mentioned, do you feel up to telling us where you and your husband are at?

Hang in there and let us be there for you. Being a stepmom is 110% a difficult and thankless job. We'll do our best to give you support (you can also post more on the Child with BPD board -- I think there are some insightful folks over there, too).

kells76

[livednlearned]

Hi copingwithBPD17,

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a person with BPD. It's one of the most stressful mental illnesses for carers, and she is a teen on top of everything (some experts say BPD peaks at 16/17). And then there's the step parent piece, too, plus other kids who need your love and care. It's a lot -- and no wonder you are at a crisis point!

How is your relationship with your husband, and how is he with his daughter? Is she getting any treatment like DBT?

My SO was initially very codependent with his BPD daughter (now 20) and it took a lot of skill and patience to support him while bringing about needed change.

Does your H want his daughter to move back in with her mom?

One thing that helped our situation was to see not only a marriage counselor, we saw a child psychologist, too (with the MC). My partner let his D20 have a run of the house with no consequences, and the child psychologist helped him see how frightening that is for a child, no matter what age (D20 was 18 at the time), and how it could lead to worse behaviors like suicide attempts. Then we learned phrases to diffuse situations, and came up with a plan for two or three of the most persistent behaviors.

I have a reasonably good relationship with D20 now, although I put myself first and make sure I take extra good care of myself when it comes to our relationship. When she visits, I limit the time we spend together, and also make sure we have a short, structured period of time that is higher quality.

THe way you feel right now is a sign that you haven't been on your list Please be gentle with yourself and simply use this as a sign it's time to focus on what you need right now. Let D17 move out if that's what she thinks is best -- it will be good for everyone to have space. She will probably return and at that point you can have better boundaries and new skills so that the house is less a free-for-all for drama and chaos.

I know it's hard right now. It can get better if you start with your own well-being first

LnL

[ForeverDad]

In a nutshell, there are strategies, tactics, validations and boundaries that would help you.  The Learning Center menu lists many resources here that you can browse.  But much depends on your husband, it is his minor daughter and he is the one with legal authority.  Will he accept your polite input?  The home environment is dysfunctional.

I too ask whether D17 is getting therapy.  Soon she will be an adult and your husband won't have much Leverage to get her started in DBT.  On the other hand, once she's an adult he can make a stronger boundary for her to apply herself in therapy or else find a place to live where she doesn't cause distress in his home and family.  She could still visit of course, on good behavior.  I hope that's not too blunt but it may be a last chance alternative.

[copingwithbpd17]

Thank you all. We have had her in counseling and therapy since she moved in 2.5 years ago. We've always had so many major crises to deal with like anorexia, bullying in school and her involvement in an abusive relationship, that the counselors have had to deal with the immediate need and not the big picture. As of this past weekend, she has moved out and in with a family that is friends of ours. My husband and I are on the same page finally and he has told her that moving back in with us in the future is not going to be an option. She turns 18 in two weeks. I don't know how she will get the DBT therapy but I will keep encouraging it and I am going to be seeing a professional therapist myself in the next couple weeks to help me recover and learn strategies to cope and deal with things better. I know this is a difficult loss for my husband so I want to support him as well. It's crazy but she's been gone a few days and I already feel like the peace is awkward - I am so used to the dysfunction, but the other two kids are coming out of their shells and rooms and interracting more so I know this will take some time and we will all re-learn. Thank you all for your advice and support.

[livednlearned]

Hope you find a good therapist to support you, and share ways to strengthen boundaries and communicate with your SD17.

I found my therapist was great at focusing on the roots of the distress I felt. She was great at helping me think through phrases that I could actually imagine saying. Sometimes, tho, I felt that we spent too much time focused on my emotions about the experience, which was helpful but didn't quite target the actual skills I needed.

For that, I read books. Two that were particularly helpful:

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. They both go deep into the details of validation and another one called SET (support, empathy, truth). If you have a BPD loved one who is in serious crisis, SET might be more like seT, with the T (truth) being emphasized (as a boundary).

Another one that can be very useful is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms, where you learn to ask validating questions that soothe the mood while putting responsibility back on the BPD person so they learn to solve their own problems.

And last, BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre.

It made me get so much more out of therapy because I could try the skills and then get reinforcement from my therapist. She was excellent, but I needed her to be outstanding   and the books helped us get there.

[ForeverDad]

Rather than her living in the house which isn't working, can she move into an apartment nearby?  Does she work and thus able to support herself to some extent?  (I'm assuming college or some sort of regimented lifestyle is not an option?)  Would your husband require that for her?  Sort of, tough love?  So much depends on your husband and if he can find the inner strength to protect the peace of his family, that is, the remaining children and you.  In time maybe your husband will seek counseling too.  (It's not that he needs counseling for his own extreme issues, it's the situation that is so extreme.)  Your husband is welcome to register here or browse with you our posts and extensive resources.  We've been there, done that.  We've walked in those shoes.

[copingwithbpd17]

Thank you for those resources LivedNLearned! I will check those out! and for all the advice and encouragement. She has been out a week and I cannot believe the weight that is off me. I forgot what it was like to be happy and not on edge in my own home. I am so thankful.

[Waddams]

don't feel guilty for having her move out.  and her dad shouldn't feel guilty about it either.  it's okay to feel bad for her, but don't internalize it.  loving someone doesn't mean you have to let them hurt you.  her dad has a responsibility to protect his home as a place of peace and safety for the people that live there.  things reach a point where as kids transition to adulthood, it's not only okay to remove them to protect the others in the house, it's the right thing to do.