restraining order or take kid and go?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Spouse and I are finally splitting and living together until we have our legal ducks in a row.  In the meantime, our ability to interact has deteriorated.  I'd initially been comforted by how amicably things were going, but I should have known he can't regulate his emotions long enough to make it through a stressful situation.  He's becoming increasingly threatening.  We may be 2 months away from being "ready" to live apart, but it's clearly no longer a safe or healthy situation for us to be under the same roof.  Assuming I can't convince him to leave voluntarily or even let me take our son, my options are restraining order (and I have grounds) or take my child without his consent and get an emergency custody order.  With those two choices, is there any reason to believe one would aggravate the situation more than the other?  I'm leaning towards restraining order even though I hate it.

[OddWalnut]

Spouse and I are finally splitting and living together until we have our legal ducks in a row.  In the meantime, our ability to interact has deteriorated.  I'd initially been comforted by how amicably things were going, but I should have known he can't regulate his emotions long enough to make it through a stressful situation.  He's becoming increasingly threatening.  We may be 2 months away from being "ready" to live apart, but it's clearly no longer a safe or healthy situation for us to be under the same roof.  Assuming I can't convince him to leave voluntarily or even let me take our son, my options are restraining order (and I have grounds) or take my child without his consent and get an emergency custody order.  With those two choices, is there any reason to believe one would aggravate the situation more than the other?  I'm leaning towards restraining order even though I hate it.

[ForeverDad]

With a looming divorce, a restraining order is not out of consideration.  It helps to set rules and limits that otherwise would be uncontrolled legally.  It also would establish you as the parent "in possession" of the home, whether a house or an apartment.

However, if you're ready to file for divorce, you may be able to have your lawyer include terms filed that request you be the parent occupying the marital home and that he live elsewhere until the terms of the divorce are completed in court.  In some states that is automatic, in others you would have to request it.

As for which would be more upsetting, I can't venture a guess.  Maybe someone else here can but it also may be that circumstances, rising conflict, may make such a dilemma moot.

Legally you both are parents and very likely your state considers you both to have equal but unspecified legal rights.  As long as you have nothing filed to the contrary in courts, then you can leave and take the children with you.  (Of course, it would be easier on you and the kids if they stayed and he left but then you'd have to file for that most likely.)  Be aware that unless a court has made an order otherwise then he could, as default equal-status parent, pick the kids up at any time such as from school or daycare  Court orders do limit the allowed behaviors of parents.  There are advantages (if done for the right reasons) and disadvantages (if unfairly used as a control weapon to sabotage us).

Also, beware of sharing too much information or strategies with your soon-to-be ex.  When trying to strengthen a marriage, yes you do share information.  But when the marriage is failing or even imploding, you share mostly only the parenting information, anything strategic you ask your lawyer first before divulging anything that might enable your ex to sabotage you.  So if you experience late night interrogations (as many here have) or are guilted into making unwise promises or admissions, etc, then think again and consult your lawyer, your local supporters and peer support such as here.

[OddWalnut]

Also, beware of sharing too much information or strategies with your soon-to-be ex.  When trying to strengthen a marriage, yes you do share information.  But when the marriage is failing or even imploding, you share mostly only the parenting information, anything strategic you ask your lawyer first before divulging anything that might enable your ex to sabotage you.  So if you experience late night interrogations (as many here have) or are guilted into making unwise promises or admissions, etc, then think again and consult your lawyer, your local supporters and peer support such as here.

This is very helpful.  Thank you.  Yes, I've been subject to all too many late night interrogations and accusations.  I have done my best to avoid promising anything, even when the issues seemed minor.  Because he does not get to demand my attention anytime he wants, and conceding anything just makes him ask for more.

Right now there are some indications he plans to move out soon, but he's giving me the silent treatment.  I'm not even sure he's letting his lawyer talk to mine.  At least it seems like he plans to stay in a hotel for a few days.  That buys me some time to see where we are.

[livednlearned]

Oof. How awful  

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard enough to be beaten down when your intention is to stay, much less when you decide to split. How is your child doing? How old (if you feel comfortable sharing)?

Does your L advise you either way about the RO or leaving?

In my state, you don't need consent to take your child somewhere before a custody motion has been filed. Is that how it works where you live?

My L told me to try and stay in the home, but if it came down to safety, leave and take my son. I ended up leaving, but also knew I didn't want to return to the marital home, so that helped with decision-making.

Do you have a preference (or need) one way or another?

You're in a tough spot right now, and it can feel awful to have all that stress coursing through your system.  I admire you for having the strength to take care of yourself and your child.

What BPD traits are most pronounced in your H? I hope he stays at a hotel and gives you and your child a bit of a break.

Glad you reached out to us

You're not alone.

LnL

[OddWalnut]

Our kid's doing ok.  He's preschool age.  I hate seeing him be scared of his dad when things get rough (FWIW husband's never been physically violent, "just" emotionally abusive).  I hate it even more when he copies his dad's language and behavior, or laughs when dad throws something.  I look forward to focusing on him more once my separation happens.  But I think he's doing okay.  He spends much more time with me and is more attached to me (sometime to the point of dad being jealous).

I think even if I took the kid and left I'd still need a restraining order, so I might as well do just the order if the situation called for it.  I don't want to look for a new home right now. 

That said, I don't think it'll come to that.  He's calmed down, is staying away from our apartment, and is in fact allowing our lawyers to continue negotiations.  So all his threats were just that.  When those threats include threats of violence to himself, to me, my son, and even my parents, I can't ignore them (I realize that's why he makes them), but I should know that most of it's for attention. 

I am so, so sick of being at the mercy of his moods.  I spent the whole weekend thinking all my savings would get sucked into a messy court case.   I still think it can all happen out of court as long as I'm patient enough to wait for a quiet spell.

I realized our situation was bad not long after my son was born.  Now that I'm leaving, I'm all that much readier to admit to myself how much I've been affected.  I imagine it will continue to hit me more and more and we progress to separation and divorce.

Oof. How awful  

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard enough to be beaten down when your intention is to stay, much less when you decide to split. How is your child doing? How old (if you feel comfortable sharing)?

Does your L advise you either way about the RO or leaving?

In my state, you don't need consent to take your child somewhere before a custody motion has been filed. Is that how it works where you live?

My L told me to try and stay in the home, but if it came down to safety, leave and take my son. I ended up leaving, but also knew I didn't want to return to the marital home, so that helped with decision-making.

Do you have a preference (or need) one way or another?

You're in a tough spot right now, and it can feel awful to have all that stress coursing through your system.  I admire you for having the strength to take care of yourself and your child.

What BPD traits are most pronounced in your H? I hope he stays at a hotel and gives you and your child a bit of a break.

Glad you reached out to us

You're not alone.

LnL