BPD daughter taken away grandson we have been raising since birth

[Purplemoon27]

Hello, I am at the end of my rope. My daughter has BPD and her husband is bipolar. My grandson is 2 1/2 years old have we had been rasing him the majority of his life since birth. Both parents have a history of neglect and have stated more than once they blame the child for their difficult situation which is always a result of their impulsive decisions and ill responsible actions. My daughters husband decided he want to move to Kentucky from Florida where we are, last June. My daughter did not want to go, but he went there and found a place to live and moved their on his own. Within a few weeks she freaked out and followed him leaving my grandson in our care with out even saying good bye. Long story short for weeks she was gone and never even asked about my grandson and when I would tell her things about him she would get mad. Then 2 days before hurricane Irma hit Florida she and her husband decided they wanted him back without seeing him for months. They did not care about anything else except they want him right now. They were going to send my son in law down to FL during the middle of the evacuation to pick him up. First and foremost. We live in a newer house up to hurricane codes, in a no evacuation zone and have storm shutters and a generator. We are seasoned Floridians and so is my daughter. If we were in any danger we would have evacuated. Come to find out that my daughter and her husband used the "threat" of the impending dome from the storm to get money from her in laws. so they could "save their child" . We tried to reason with them to no avail. So to prevent a my grandson from being out in danger and for fear of his reaction of being picked up by his father with home he would always run away from when every he picked him up. I agreed to bring him to them.   I drove carefully and took my time which they claim was too long because they had friend who made it out of Florida in less time them I did so I must be lying. At one point I wanted to turn around and when I stated that to her she freaked out and said she was doing to get him. I did not have legal custody only power of attorney for his care. I made it to macon GA after driving for 12 hours (normally 5 hour drive) they meet me in a walmart parking lot. I was supposed to go back with them. The refused and told me to go home or find a hotel neither of which I could do because of the hurricane. I ended trying to drive north and was found at a rest area by GA state police who took me to a near by church shelter.  That was 6 months ago and I have not been able to see my grandson since. We tried going to their apartment in KY 5 weeks later and they refused to let us see him. We were treated like criminals in spite of everything we have done for both our daughter, her husband and my grandson. They refuse to talk to us and only through text message. We were told that we can not contact them for 5 weeks or we would never be allowed contact with our grandson again. We followed what they have said to the letter and when the 5 weeks were up they still refuse to let us see him. that was November 9th. We have had some communication with our daughter. Enough for her to ask for thing like food and money and to tell us what she want for Christmas and her birthday. They economic situation keeps sinking deeper, she had her car repossessed (impulse buy) they they in a very run down un safe place and went with out proper working heat during the coldest part of winter, their phones have been shut off for non payment and the list goes on and on. She is not a good mother she has a history of sever neglect and emotional abuse that we have all witnessed. Her husband it even worse. They both drink very heavily and she use pot on a regular basis and has even take my grandson with her to make purchases of it. They both refuse treatment or to accept their mental illness. My son in law can never hold a job for more than 4 months and my daughter quit her job because it was too stressful for her. She took a job working 12am - 6am. At the end of the day no matter what I do or do everything is my fault and then she has to tell me that her husband now agrees with her on that. She uses my sweet grandson as a tool to manipulate everyone and to punish us or to get something from us with promise of contact that never happens. Child services is useless. When they were living in FL they went out and each time my grandson was with me. Once they contacted me and I told them the truth about everything and was told that they were going to make them comply with mental health treatment and parenting classes and drug testing. No of that ever happens and they did 2 more visits and each time the child was with me and they never even contacted me to know if he was alive or not. I was told to contact child service in Ky but I and scared. I am afraid if they go out and do nothing again things will get worse or if they take him from the home he could end up in foster care and not here in Florida with us. If they find out we call it will definatly make things worse and my daughter is so mean and spiteful she would rather see him with strangers then family who knows and loves him. I have read so many books on BPD and taken classes on house to react and respond , what to do what not to do etc. But nothing in these classes or books help you know what to protect a innocent child from his mentally ill parents when the laws are designed to protect the parents right and not the child. We have one possible option of hiring a lawyer in KY. but the cost will be in the thousands and we don't have that kind of money. We are looking into getting a 2nd mortgage but all that takes time. She has totally blocked me from communications again for 3 weeks now, because I did not send her something she wanted. I asked her exactly what it was she wanted and she got angry and went off on another tangent about what a horrible mother I was and am and how i am so controlling and how I abused her by not allowing her to do what ever she wanted as a child and teenager. How it is my fault her brothers want nothing to do with her, my fault she is emotionally damaged ect. Nothing I could say helped all she want me to do is agree with her and tell her I did every awful thing she said and even if I did that it would not be enough. She was born this way trust me as a mother of 3 she id the only on who is like this and she has had various issues since birth. She was kicked out of preschool at age 3, girls scout , summer camp you name it. I did everything I could. I had her tested, I volunteered in her school because she behaved better when I was around. We were told ADHA at age 10, I took her to a special psychiatrist and therapy, medication it was never ending. She constantly got in trouble in school for being disobedient. We meet with teacher, principals it was never ending. I defending her again and again then finally one day she started being more normal at the age of 18 this lasted for about 2 years then she started having out with a bad group and going online all the time and everything became my fault, I was horrible, evil and controlling.If it were not for my grandson she could go away and I would be fine with that, but how can I come to terms with the neglect and emotional abuse he is enduring and going to endure and not try to help him. I am not able to function or live my life because of it,

[heartandwhole]

Hi Purplemoon27,

Welcome to the community. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry to hear that you no longer have your dear grandson with you. That is very hard, after being so close to him for those first years of his life.

how can I come to terms with the neglect and emotional abuse he is enduring and going to endure and not try to help him. I am not able to function or live my life because of it,

I totally understand wanting to help and your feelings of worry about your grandson. I'm concerned about you, too. You say you can't function—that's not good for you or your grandson.

What kind of support do you have, Purplemoon27?  Do you have other family and friends whom you can lean on? Are you getting enough sleep and eating well?

What was the last communication you had with your daughter?

Keep posting. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Purplemoon27]

I was trying to take better care of my self, but I am at a point right now why I just don't care anymore. I have people telling me I need to called child services and get a lawyer and then others saying if it doesn't work you will be worse off and never see him. I have not one to talk to who really understands anything. My husband does not understand why I am still so upset and for him he can just distance him self mentally and  emotionally and he is fine. I feel like I don't have the strength to go on or to make the right decision of what I should or should not do. I don't have many friends and I only hear from them from time to time and I hate to burden them with this because it has consumed my life. I do feel like my child was taken from me and given to people who can not even care for them selves let alone a innocent child. I will do ok for a few days then I find a toy or something of his or I get a reminder picture on my phone or facebook and I am back to square one. My daughter is doing this on purpose she has said as much. he will forget you and I will decide who is in his life when I feel like it. That is unfathomable to me how she can be so cruel to her own child and her family who has always been there for her.

[heartandwhole]

I feel like I don't have the strength to go on or to make the right decision of what I should or should not do.

I hear you, Purplemoon27. And this is what I'm concerned about. When you are burnt out, drained, weak, you aren't in a position to make good decisions. 

If you can pause, catch your breath, and take this step by step, you may be able to get much more effective support from outside. I know it feels urgent when your grandchild is involved, but again, he needs a stable, centered grandma who can be present for him, right?

Have you looked into possible free legal advice in your area? Some states/cities have a place you can go to or call. It could help you know what your options are. There may be law offices that do pro bono work as well.

heartandwhole

[ForeverDad]

I noticed your Boundaries are manipulated by your daughter.  By that I mean she makes the terms of contact with grandson.  Send me {whatever} or you won't have contact with your grandson.  And if you somehow trigger her then even that doesn't happen.  It appears she is using you and then tossing you aside once she gets her latest urgent demand.  Appeasing or acquiescing is not a viable long term solution.  You can't win her game, she keeps moving the goal posts, a competitive game reference.

Grandparents have limited rights in many states.  Should you contact and send letters to their local family or childrens agencies, stating that you have a history of caring for the child, you are available to resume care but you cannot support the child's adult parents while they are uncooperative?  Yes, I can see the emotional commitment you have but sending them money or things just seems to be enabling them.  Quite a dilemma.  Just a thought, others can add their perspectives.