My sister with BPD is now reinserted into my life

[Tregonsee]

I apologize for a very long post.  About 10 or 15 years ago I gained a lot of comfort and support from reading and posting in BPD forums about my sister who has BPD.  I went no contact with my sister who is 6 years older than me.  It was great.  I finally had peace, no more rages, no more torture.  I stopped visiting the forum.  By the way it is nice to see there is still a place I can go and talk with others who truly understand what it is like to deal with someone who has BPD.

Last year my sister called and wanted me to begin financially supporting her.  She quit her job saying co-workers were mean to her.  Unfortunately the day she called me was the day I received some bad news about my health and was in a bit of shock.  In this weakened state I agreed that if she needed help and couldn't find a new job I would help her.  I know I made a bad choice.  I am already supporting our 87 year old mother who has early dementia and I am single, no other source of financial support except my job. BPD sis lives out of state and there is no one else to share caregiving duties.  I told my sister I would give money and not to ask our mom for money (she had been doing so and mom was having a hard time coping with it - she would tell mom that if she didn't get money she would be on the street and mom already suffers from anxiety, so you can imagine how upset it makes her and of course I have to calm her down.)

Just this week she asked mom for money again after I gave her a very large amount of my savings to help with bills/rent. She called me tonight and I was angry, and told her she can't keep asking mom as it upsets her.  Of course she lied and said she hadn't but my mom showed me a note my sister sent to her.  Anyway our phone conversation deteriorated into an argument and I finally hung up.  I am too soft hearted not to give my sister some support so she literally isn't out on the street, but it makes me very angry and upset.  I feel like I can't escape her and at this time in my life, with health issues, I am under even more stress than ever before. 

I hope all of this doesn't sound too whiney.  I am just feeling so badly and needed to tell someone.  I set a boundary with BPD sis about not asking mom for money and she already broke it.  I guess I feel stupid and weak, and that I am a failure at setting boundaries.  I don't feel like I can stop supporting BPD sis.  I think I am very, very angry with her and with the entire situation, but at the same time I guess I care enough about her that I don't want her to be evicted from her apartment.  And I feel like I will never have peace, and my life will be nothing but misery from my sister and from health problems.

[Pina colada]

Tregonsee you sound like a very kind person.  I am sorry you are dealing with supporting your BPD sister on top of taking care of your mom alone.  I had a similar situation.  My sister with BPD is almost 8 years older.  She constantly bothered our father for money and she is married, gets disability etc.  She did the same with mom when she was alive and mom finally did tough love.  :)ad was a softie.  He passed in August.  Shelves five hours away but never visited humor helped these past five years when he was so sick.  My brother, whom lives a lot farther helped ALOTand I did all I could as his only sibling living in the same state even though he was over an hour away.  I loved my father and BPD didn't even go to his funeral... only concerning herself with the inheritance... We have been NC on and off.  She cut me off December 31 because she knows I think many things she have done are evil, to our family and myself including abusing me all during childhood.  I am happier without her.  I never bonded with her and certainly have nothing in common.  She is a ticking time bomb... .I feel bad you are put in a position where you must bale out your BPD is when NC was working for you.  I also know how BPD folks lie... .it is what they do so of course she won't admit contacting your mom.  Read about BPD and certainly post here for support!

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tegonsea,  

Sounds like you have done a lot for your BPD sister. If our own health can not cope with a situation, then the wise thing to do is pull back. Sometimes it’s easier for strangers to deal with our BPD family members because they don’t get triggered, don’t get emotionaly involved.

When someone with BPD asks for money, its hard to know if this is just to get acceptance, or if its to draw us in or simply a genuine problem. But if you went LC or NC with your sister, what would happen ? Would society allow her to be out on the street ? Would she suddenly puller herself together out of necessity ?  If you’re worried about her taking money from your mother, could you set some safety feature up with the bank, so amounts over a level need you to co-sign ?

[Tregonsee]

Pina Colada, thank you. Yes, my sister is the same as yours in that she doesn't care about anyone but herself, and only sees me as a pot of money.  When I told her about my health issue she had no sympathy, just started talking about her own health (which is better than mine.)  If I died tomorrow her only regret would be that there would be no more money.  And she is a pathological liar.  When we were young she boasted to me about how she could tell people lies and make them believe her - outlandish lies, most of which are designed to make her into a victim.  She was gleeful about it.  Disgusting.

Happy Chappy, thank you.  I believe my sister would be evicted.  She declared bankruptcy years ago and has only been living off her paycheck until she quit her job. And she has also been living off mom who was sending her money every month for years.  Mom has begged me repeatedly to keep helping her and if I stop all she will do is keep telling mom she needs help, cry to her and upset mom (who then calls me repeatedly asking what to do), and I really think this would make mom sick.  I made a deal with my sister that I would help her but she could not ever ask mom for money again.  And she broke the deal.  And idiot me is still going to send her money.  Because the thought of my sister being on the street is too painful and my sister uses mom's anxiety as a weapon against me.  Mom at this point knows not to send money and I have been monitoring her bank account to check on this.  Would my sister pull herself together if all money stopped coming in? She did it years ago after I went NC with her.  And yet I found out years later she was getting supplemental money from mom.  So I'm not sure.

I think I will not talk with my sister again.  Last night she called me and it just made me upset, and I was angry and of course she lied to me which made me more angry.  She tried to blame mom for breaking our deal - "she insisted I tell her how I was doing so I had to tell her I wasn't doing well and I needed more money".  And of course I told her to just lie and say to mom that she is fine.  Her response: "you are not the boss of me".  Unbelievable - after I gave her thousands of dollars.  From now on she can talk to the answering machine.  She is a black hole sucking not just money but more importantly peaceful life from me.  But if we don't talk maybe that will help. 

[Panda39]

Tregonsee,

You've been on BPD sites in the past so this probably isn't new, but is a gentle reminder... .

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) Emotional Blackmail... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I hear FOG blowing thick in your story... .Fear that your mother will be harassed, Fear that your sister will be unable to survive, Obligation as a family member to support your sister, and the Guilt if you stop supporting your sister.

I hear you between what you want to do and what you feel you should do.  I hate this place and those conflicted feelings it is so hard decide and make a decision you are happy with. 

I'm on this site because my SO has an uBPDxw, part of why he stayed married to her as long has he did was because he was worried she wouldn't survive on her own.  His mom told he that she would be fine, that she was like a cat and would land on her feet.  His mom was right.

His ex had a bumpy ride, no doubt about that.  She was evicted 3 times because she chose to live in places she couldn't afford.  At each eviction she found someone that took her in while "she go back on her feet" and rented the next place she couldn't afford.  She went through this cycle 3 times and not once was she homeless and on the street. 

Even if things had gone worse for her and she did end up homeless, was it my SO's responsibility or her family's responsibility to pay the consequences of her actions?  I think not.  She is an adult and her choices, her feelings, her responsibilities, her failures are her own and the consequences are her own too.

I'm going to use something else you might have already heard but here it is anyway.  The airplane analogy... .  If there is problem on a plane and the oxygen masks drop down, you are instructed to put your oxygen mask on before you assist anyone else.  Why do it this way?  Because,if you try to help someone else first you will pass out and they will pass out and neither of you will have oxygen.

IMHO you need to take care of yourself, both financially and emotionally.  If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to help your mom or your sister even if you want to.

Reminder: You matter as much as your sister and your mom.  It is okay to put yourself first. 

Panda39

[Tregonsee]

Panda39, thank you.  You are quite right.  FOG exactly describes the situation.  Right now it is easier for me to give in to the fear and guilt and just give her enough support to keep things stable.  I think one of the main things making me feel so badly is my belief that my sister doesn't care about me at all, just cares about whatever help I can give her.  I am nothing to her but a bank account.  If I died she would regret the loss of money only.  I have to come to terms with the fact that she is a very sick person incapable of healthy human emotions and behavior, and as you say if my health worsens then things will have to change and she will be on her own. 

[Pina colada]

Tregonsee I agree with Panda, you must take care of your emotional and financial health before you help your sister.  My sister  cared not how ill dad was and kept calling him, asking for money , crying poor, one disaster after another.  She even made him buy her a car after she had a horrible accident: she fell asleep at the wheel after taking her many prescription drugs and driving.  This was in the morning, she could have killed someone or herself.  She did lose license, got an OWI, and wanted dad to pay for an attorney because she didn't like that black mark on her record... .all things her fault. We were NC at the time.  I had ceased contact in the past after she threatened me and my kids... .came over, wouldn't leave my house.  I had to call the police on her three times and explained she is mentally ill... .we did try to patch things up.  I was willing to adhere to our rules we discussed... .yes rules but she does for awhile and if she does not like something I do or say she disappears, blocks me etc... .I no longer want her in my life which.  I am doing great and don't really miss her as she can not maintain.  My point is if you must, sometimes NC helps our sanity... .I like reading about BPD but sometimes I just need to vent to folks whom "get it".  Good luck and remember your health must come first.