Thinking about filing in FC, but scared to do so

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone. I’m usually on “detaching”, but I’ve been getting some indicators that I should start turning here for some help. Things were beginning to get pretty silent between my ex and I, but there was a blowup over the weekend.

She has, in the past, threatened me with our Son. Basic PA tactics. This hasn’t happened for a while, but it could again. She actually extorted a bought and paid for vehicle from me by threatening me with no longer being allowed to see our S3. I caved. I have some questions.

1. Since I legally signed the vehicle over to her, is it unlikely that FC will take into consideration the way in which she underhandedly did this? Also, is time a factor? This happened around 2 years ago.

2. Do any of you have any experience with having access to their social media during discovery, and how did it affect your case?

3. Is she allowed to force me to pay CS, but not her ex-husband? They have a D8 together.

Thanks!

[JNChell]

Hi everyone. I’m usually on “detaching”, but I’ve been getting some indicators that I should start turning here for some help. Things were beginning to get pretty silent between my ex and I, but there was a blowup over the weekend.

She has, in the past, threatened me with our Son. Basic PA tactics. This hasn’t happened for a while, but it could again. She actually extorted a bought and paid for vehicle from me by threatening me with no longer being allowed to see our S3. I caved. I have some questions.

1. Since I legally signed the vehicle over to her, is it unlikely that FC will take into consideration the way in which she underhandedly did this? Also, is time a factor? This happened around 2 years ago.

2. Do any of you have any experience with having access to their social media during discovery, and how did it affect your case?

3. Is she allowed to force me to pay CS, but not her ex-husband? They have a D8 together.

Thanks!

[livednlearned]

Sorry you're going through this stuff JNChell  

Adding family law court to a BPD relationship can really increase the stress.

Only a lawyer can answer legal questions, and no one here is a lawyer (and if they are, they can't offer legal advice).

There are some things, though, that we've experienced that might be similar where you live, for comparison.

1. Since I legally signed the vehicle over to her, is it unlikely that FC will take into consideration the way in which she underhandedly did this? Also, is time a factor? This happened around 2 years ago.

Courts seems to care about two things. One is the pattern of behaviors. Something that happened a long time, and is only now surfacing as an irritant, and for which there may be no evidence (he said, she said won't go far), isn't likely to make an impression.

2. Do any of you have any experience with having access to their social media during discovery, and how did it affect your case?

This will depend on content (e.g. what it says -- whether it's about the minor child or something else), where you live (every state has a different set of laws and each judge/county may have a different way of interpreting those laws).

If you are trying to use her social media to show that she's mean to you, court isn't likely to care. For the most part, family law court looks for behaviors that impact the kids.

What I learned is that judges see squabbling bickering adults every hour, every day, day after day. So when someone shows up who is solutions oriented, it really stands out. For example, if your approach is to say, "Here is the problem. We cannot seem to resolve this, though here is some evidence of the ways in which I have tried to work this out. How about we do this so that we don't end up back in court again." Then think carefully about that solution and how to phrase it so that the solution works even if your ex doesn't comply.

People here are great at listening to solutions you might want to propose, and helping you think them through.

4. Is she allowed to force me to pay CS, but not her ex-husband? They have a D8 together.

Why is the exH not paying child support?

How old is your child/children? Child support is a calculation. Do you know what kind of custody arrangement you would be going for? And how much it would cost worse-case scenario/best-case scenario?

[JNChell]

Her exH isn’t paying support because she doesn’t make him. She says it’s because he has their D8 50% of the time. I often wonder if he has some dirt on her. At one point, early in our relationship, he was threatening to turn her in for welfare fraud. For a while as well, she was buying marijuana from him with her food stamps. I tried to get her to agree to 50% with our S3, but she wouldn’t agree to it. She only allows me 11 days/month. I would be going for shared custody with 50/50 time and exceptions for holidays, vacations etc. I have no idea at this point what the costs look like. She’s told me that she is changing me below what the court would order me to pay.

Ideally, I would like full custody of him, but I don’t have a good enough reason for that and I don’t want to keep him from his mother. He loves her. She’s a school bus driver, and if she happens to eventually fail a surprise drug screen, I would definitely file for full custody. I’m not going to rat her out, but this scenario has crossed my mind. I know she openly talks about smoking weed on her dating profiles and that I know of a pic that she sent a guy on FB that had her pipe visible in it, so there is stuff floating around out there.

[livednlearned]

It's recommended here that you consult with one or two or three Ls, depending on your finances. Usually a consultation costs around $250-500 an hour depending on where you live. I would look for Ls who specialize in family law.

Sometimes, you can figure out the "assertive" Ls by asking a Clerk of Court who he/she would recommend.

This is a good article about finding an assertive L: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

If you haven't already, order Splitting: Protecting Yourself During a Divorce from a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. It's kinda required reading for anyone contemplating legal action. Eddy was a former social worker who then became a family law practioner. He recognized that most of the high-conflict cases involved one or two parents with a PD.

Your ex might not be receiving support for the reason she states -- it might be that simple. If their incomes are roughly the same, then 50/50 custody and no child support makes sense.

One thing to be aware of when it comes to substance abuse and family law court. If you believe her substance abuse endangers the child, then think about why you have no tried to remove him from her care yet.

This isn't a black or white thing -- courts see extreme stuff and what you describe is not great, but it's also not the worst thing a judge will have heard.

What the judge will hear is that dad tolerated the substance abuse until she filed for custody, then suddenly the pot is an issue.

Versus, dad became concerned that smoking pot interferes with her ability to parent responsibility. So then you filed to make sure S5 had stability. You want him to have a relationship with mom, and you also want mom to be clean and healthy.

Unless of course you live in a state where pot is legal and then who knows.

Good stuff to talk to an L about. A lot of people start coming up with plans without doing a fact-finding mission. You can learn a ton in 30 minutes if money is tight. Ask people here what questions to ask, then write them down and stick to what you need to know, plus a brief description of what's going on.