Divorce: File now or hold off for a few months for insurance?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

My wife recently expressed (now without mixed signals) that she would like to file for divorce and after trying everything to reconcile, she has her mind made up. It's taken a while to get her to admit to this and stop avoiding the issue, even though she initially raised it, moved out, and has been insistent that the relationship is over. I've requested that she file, since this was never my desire, but without kids in the picture there's really no reason for me to hold anything up or continue to ask her to fight for the marriage. I've posted a lot about our process on the boards here, if you want back story.

Here's my main concern: now that she's ready to file, should I say go for it? She leaves at the end of the week for a 6 week training for her job and I plan to move out of our home before she gets back and move to another state to live with my family while working remotely on my job. I currently have my health insurance through her and don't want to take on the added expense at the moment to pay for my own, if I can help it. She's absolutely willing to wait until she's back from her training to file, which will buy me some time to figure out my next steps and if I decide to stay with my job or not, or if I look for one locally near my parents' house.

In a relationship with someone who does not have BPD, this would all seem reasonable and I'd take her word for it.

Here's my fear though - am I leaving the door open to future hurt, or worse, testing my nerve if she decides to try and recycle in 6 weeks? Can I trust her to come back from training and file like it's no big deal, or should I bite the bullet with my own financial security and let her file right away, taking advantage of her willingness to act in this moment?

I won't lie- through all the hurt there's still a piece of me that would reconcile things, under the right conditions, if she did take the time away to reconsider. That scares me though, and I'm wondering if I should just have her file in order to get my own detachment process under way.

Has anyone had experiences with this re: drawing out divorce or not for practical reasons? Fears in doing that w/BPD?

Thanks!
-L

[lighthouse9]

Hi everyone,

My wife recently expressed (now without mixed signals) that she would like to file for divorce and after trying everything to reconcile, she has her mind made up. It's taken a while to get her to admit to this and stop avoiding the issue, even though she initially raised it, moved out, and has been insistent that the relationship is over. I've requested that she file, since this was never my desire, but without kids in the picture there's really no reason for me to hold anything up or continue to ask her to fight for the marriage. I've posted a lot about our process on the boards here, if you want back story.

Here's my main concern: now that she's ready to file, should I say go for it? She leaves at the end of the week for a 6 week training for her job and I plan to move out of our home before she gets back and move to another state to live with my family while working remotely on my job. I currently have my health insurance through her and don't want to take on the added expense at the moment to pay for my own, if I can help it. She's absolutely willing to wait until she's back from her training to file, which will buy me some time to figure out my next steps and if I decide to stay with my job or not, or if I look for one locally near my parents' house.

In a relationship with someone who does not have BPD, this would all seem reasonable and I'd take her word for it.

Here's my fear though - am I leaving the door open to future hurt, or worse, testing my nerve if she decides to try and recycle in 6 weeks? Can I trust her to come back from training and file like it's no big deal, or should I bite the bullet with my own financial security and let her file right away, taking advantage of her willingness to act in this moment?

I won't lie- through all the hurt there's still a piece of me that would reconcile things, under the right conditions, if she did take the time away to reconsider. That scares me though, and I'm wondering if I should just have her file in order to get my own detachment process under way.

Has anyone had experiences with this re: drawing out divorce or not for practical reasons? Fears in doing that w/BPD?

Thanks!
-L

[Tired_Dad]

Lighthouse,

Ask yourself this. What is the dollar amount that you are willing to spend on your happiness and mental health? If you are holding up a divorce for a sum of money that is an inconvenience you may be able to answer this for yourself right now. If the money is a matter of survival, then that is a different story.

I would look deep and asses if this is truly the issue or if you are still holding out some hope that she will come around. Either way it is your decision, just be as aware of your own internal motivations as possible and remove the barriers that you can to your own happiness.

[livednlearned]

Hey lighthouse9,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even when the relationship is no fun and things are rocky, the finality of divorce is a whole other thing to go through. It's sadness squared

I hope you're doing ok, and taking care of yourself.

am I leaving the door open to future hurt, or worse, testing my nerve if she decides to try and recycle in 6 weeks? Can I trust her to come back from training and file like it's no big deal, or should I bite the bullet with my own financial security and let her file right away, taking advantage of her willingness to act in this moment?

It sounds like you have some things to untangle here.

My experience with BPD is that follow-through is not a strength. Are you hoping that she has strength enough for both of you, then using that momentum to start detaching?

What does detaching look like for you?

[formflier]

I would advise YOU not to file until you are ready to detach and be done with the r/s.

I would advise YOU to express to her what you want for the future of the r/s and then respect her decision, whether it is the same  as what you want or not, but either way, I would stop talking to her about it, as that is likely fueling some of your hurt.

If she wants to file... .let her do that.  She doesn't need to discuss it with you, have your approval. 

Is your state a "fault" state? 

I would evaluate your options with a local lawyer and I would not seek to be "fair", given the circumstances. 

Talking to a L and filing are two different things, very different.  I would not let her know you are discussing with an L.

FF

[ForeverDad]

What you should do or ponder, I'll leave that to the others for now.  I'll focus on a couple legal issues.

If you are on her medical insurance when the divorce is filed then she can't unilaterally remove you from her medical insurance until the divorce is final and then at that point you do have to get off her insurance, I think within 60 days or so, and either take COBRA for up to 18 months or find your own insurance.

Without children, what issues are left?  Having children is the biggest trigger for a difficult divorce, so hopefully that is a non-issue.  It was a short marriage so spousal support or alimony are probably unlikely.  You two are already living separately and that too is a positive.  Do you have any shared or joint ownerships of a house, vehicles, loans, bank accounts or credit cards?  If so, then review how you can undo at least some of them before presenting them to the court for inclusion.

The perspective here is to reduce the links when heading into a divorce.  Medical insurance, when you look back after this is over, is just a blip on the radar as to overall importance.  You're thinking of saving a few $$$ but the real question should be, is waiting for insurance coverage a plus or a complication to be avoided?  Frankly, your decision on divorce timing shouldn't be dictated by whether you get on her insurance or not.  No one can predict whether or not waiting for medical insurance to kick in will be worth the delay in filing.

In general, BPD issues make it impractical to "remain friends in regular contact" after divorce.  While you can smooth things over with calming words before and during the divorce, beware... .generally you can't get closure from the Ex, you'll have to Gift that to yourself... .post-divorce you probably will have to drift away into separate lives, the emotional roller coaster of BPD neediness and overreactions just takes too much of a toll... .after this is over it is best to transition away, Let Go on as good terms as possible and Move On with separate lives.