Long Wait till divorce?

[reluctanthusband]

Question about a long term wait for a divorce 8-10 years.  My current situation is that I found out at 10 years of Marriage that my wife had an affair in year 2. After about 6 months of counseling I found out that she was BPD.  Well she never made up for it, Aparently 8 years of NOT cheating, NOT telling me and emotional abuse(towards me) seemed to have cleared her conscience not to mention every time it is brought up all of my miss deeds that don't add up to anything closely resembling adultery are given as a reason for her affair. 

Well I am almost 8 years later after the bombshell and I am now going to be going into PTSD counseling for the past abuse and continued abuse, although slightly lesser due to tools I have learned in counseling.  Problem is I want to leave and run as it seems as though she will not be getting better.  We have 3 children 16,11,10 and I have stayed this last 8 years because of them.  I am wondering if there are any out there that have stayed long periods for the kids and then cut the strings when you had an empty nest.  How did you survive?  Did you fake it just enough to get by under the radar?  What were your experiences with the pwBPD once they found out that you are finally leaving them.  Did you get any enjoyment seeing their shocked faces when they found out you were planning this all the time? 

I will admit I am very angry that my wife stole a life she did not deserve and has never owned up to that.  This is one of the main reasons I am and have been so angry over the years.  Any insight would be great?   

[udunnome81]

I caught my wife via chat logs, she was having an emotional, if not physical (that I could never prove and just looked past) affair. He actually told her that she should go back to me. This was near the end of our 2nd year of marriage, we have been married for 14.

Honestly, since that time, I don't know if she had cheated on me up until she abandoned me and our 3 children almost 6 months ago. Now I am pretty sure that she has. Have multiple social media post showing that she was involved with someone as soon as she left.

I am aware of her BPD, because of my therapist, through doing some joint sessions with her and her therapist. I am not in your situation as my goal was not to perpetuate the cycle of abandonment for my wife, and I intended to stay no matter what transpired. This I did knowing the work it would take. I would need to make myself a better person, and not wait for her. She was/is in denial of her BPD. She would have lucid moments where she would recognize the issues, but then she would "go into hiding" and blame me for all of our issues all over again.

6 months ago she split me black and made a very sudden decision to abandon me AND out 3 children 11, 10, and 3 years old. She left the state and moved 1300+ miles away and was living with another guy. I believe that this relationship has since expired.

I have accepted that she has an issue which I cannot help with other than being supportive and she no longer wants my support (I enabled her too much anyways).

The question for you is what you can take? The kids make it difficult as I can almost guarantee that it will be drawn out and probably will get ugly. If you are focused on yourself (I am saying that if you are focused on making yourself a better person, not indicating selfishness or anything like that), and you are making progress there, that is all you can do. That is the decision you have to make.

YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER... .she would have to want that for herself. If there is already a lot of resentment towards her as it sounds like, then that is something that you need to resolve for yourself first.

One saying that I use is: Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Essentially, you have to forgive FOR yourself. Sorry for my ramblings, but this article is saying most of what I am trying to say.

https://foreverymom.com/mom-gold/how-to-forgive-someone-even-when-you-know-theyll-never-apologize/

[ForeverDad]

Your approach to handling your future is yours to decide.  Hopefully the information you glean here will aid you in educating yourself in what you're dealing with and enable you to make more informed and more confident decisions.

Many here also felt impelled to "stay for the kids".  However, that didn't provide the children with a solid example of a proactive parent.  In general, when we realize that the other parent is refusing to attend therapy and/or make progress in therapy then that typically translates into the conclusion and acceptance that the relationship is dysfunctional, unhealthy and unlikely to improve unless we decide to Do Something.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.