Sex: How should I handle the mixed messages and rejection?

[AustenJ]

I feel for you... .sexual rejection by a personwBPD is a staple of the disorder. Sex to them is a coping mechanism for them and a control mechanism for you by them. There is no real love or intimacy or compassion on their part when it comes to their partners' sexual satisfaction. They are not satisfied with their bodies so they are never really satisfied by the act of sex... .not like nons are.

Sex for me has always been about "making love' and fully taking care of the needs of my partner first. Sex for my diagnosed exgfBPD was always just sex, simply a coping mechanism to get out of her own head for a brief moment, never love-making, although it appeared that way to me in the early part of our relationship (all she was doing was mirroring me and my style and desires and reflecting them back to me).

She is a beautiful creature and is 28 years my junior, but I can honestly say that she has been the worst lover I have ever had. Her lack of compassion and empathy plus her sexual hang-ups were always a hindrance in the bedroom. She has been with close to 80 or more men and has never had an orgasm through intercourse, never. The only way she could have an orgasm was by masturbating in a very shameful lonely manner. She despised oral sex, giving and receiving. Vaginas are gross. She refused any manual manipulation of me. Being older, it always took more work to achieve my orgasms, which she was never interested in giving me a hand with... .so I was actually "faking" a majority of my orgasms so I wouldn't make her feel bad... .basically, when she was done having sex, we both were done... .she had no interest in fulfilling my desires... .as we know, sex must be a two way street in a successful relationship... .

[Daffodill]

Wow, I thought I was the only one who was having issues with sex.  I keep reading how everyone thinks sex with the BPD is so great, but it's not.  While it may have been good in the beginning, its been so long I don't really remember.  He stopped wanting to have sex with me early in our relationship saying we needed to slow down.  We went 2 months without it before he was interested again.  But, after that one weekend, he only wanted it once a month, at the most, and only he could initiate it.  He shut me down before I could even attempt to initiate, telling me that he knew I didn't want it because we were having problems.  I didn't know what to say, just went along with it as it seemed easier.  He would blame me sometimes, saying we didn't have it because I didn't initiate it, but even though he never stopped with the basic physical affection and cuddling, I never got any feeling that he was remotely interested in having any sort of sexual contact.  It was all so strange.  And then, I found out he was cheating on me with two other women at the same time.  That caused a breakup that lasted a month before he came back saying he had made a mistake and do would do whatever it took.  He even agreed to and actually went to counseling. But, still no sex.  This time, I didn't want it either since he had cheated, but he again told me he knew I wouldn't want it yet.  He took the decision away from me.  I figured he didn't want it for some reason, but I could never figure out why.  I still have no clue.

[AustenJ]

In our relationship our sexual intimacy ultimately engulfed her and triggered her core trauma--she could not handle the emotions swirling in her head--sex had become more than a physical coping mechanism for her. Sex was never a way for her to take care of my needs and increase the intimacy between us. Sex wasn't done out of her love for me, not in a way that I loved her. I was totally drawn to her in a close, intimate and loving way... .at the apex of our relationship, or so I thought... .to her that apex totally freaked her out and she destroyed our bond that I thought was unbreakable because we were so close and appeared so deeply in love. That's why it's so hard on nons... .we share and love deeply, finally allowing the pwBPD to enter our sphere, sharing in each other... .only for the pwBPD to suddenly dump us and run into the arms of another. , At the pinnacle of our love and caring, they sabotage and destroy in an effort to protect themselves... .