Before you divorced, did everything just fall into line?

[LightAfterTunnel]

Did those of you who went through with the divorce feel like a moment of clarity and shining light showed itself right beforehand?

A year ago I asked BPDw for a divorce. It didn’t go well. Raging. Accusations. Dissociations. Whole nine yards... .6 months of couples therapy later and a whole lot of projecting and lying and I told her I needed to concentrate on myself and our three children.

Well the time has come to pay the piper and my lawyer and I have come up with a multi pronged strategy that will start on the 25th of may, right before school ends and kids will be in summer vacation. In the meantime, my BPDw and I will meet D9 teacher tomorrow for an official school recommendation that D9 see a therapist to help her resolve emotional anxiety and get extra support. My BPDw had the police called on her by someone regarding her aggressive behavior last week. She was involved in an another episode  not even a year prior that the police had to come to. And to top the cake I happened upon extremely fortuitously an old court record from an old relationship that ended with restraining orders. Only one of which I am aware... .

I guess I feel lucky right now. Or maybe it’s just that if you wait calmly and plan and document correctly as many books and wonderful people on this site suggest then when the light shines you are able to recognize it and bask.

LAT

[livednlearned]

It can feel good to have a plan in place. I'm glad you're finding relief in knowing what's on deck 

And I hope you are able to get your D into therapy to help her with emotional anxiety. Some of the scenarios you describe with your D9 remind me of what S16 was going through at that time. Therapy did help him turn things around. That, and having two homes, so he could get a break from his dad.

In the country where you live, do courts allow you to use occurrences that are older than 6 months or a year? I wasn't able to use anything from my ex's prior marriages. Does your L have a plan for how the prior events would be used?

[LightAfterTunnel]

In the country where you live, do courts allow you to use occurrences that are older than 6 months or a year? I wasn't able to use anything from my ex's prior marriages. Does your L have a plan for how the prior events would be used?

Wow... .great questions, and I don’t know. I am sure we will have to discuss this. I had mentioned to L that I knew my BPDw had past relationships that finished in court with restraining orders. She told me to get as much information as I could so I guess I just assumed that it was permissible. I will ask her.

It would be very unfortunate to not be able to use the info since it all definitely shows a pattern and would support my side of the story when we get to the “he said-she said” ugliness.

Thanks for your input.

On a separate and interesting note, after the latest incident when the police were called on my wife, she raged at me for not supporting her. I know the other person involved and they are very respectful and have never demonstrated anything to me that would fit my wife’s version of the incident. I was very honest with her and said calmly to her that does she see a pattern in the fact that she has been involved in 4 (those of which I am aware) incidents involving aggression and it’s always the other person? Does she think she might play a part? She denied playing any part but as the day wore on she was becoming more and more worried, probably remorseful, and I could sense that since I wasn’t supporting her version that she was sinking deeper and deeper.

I took a chance, of which I have been taking many recently, and I calmly asked her if she was finally willing to talk about BPD.(I have openly told her I know she was diagnosed in the past but she refuses to acknowledge) I said that I don’t care about the diagnosis and that she is much more than a diagnosis. She said that she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I followed up calmly stating that I know she was in a DBT course for BPD with XYZ in 2006. For the first time in almost 11 yrs she responded yes but that her T wanted her in the course for her to better her communication and that she’s better now. All I said to her then was that whether we stay together or not in the future that our 3 children will need her and that she needs to be open and honest with herself.

She’s very shaky in general right now... .I’m worried we won’t make it to May without some extinction explosion of some kind. I’ve thought of contacting her T presently to let her know my concerns but I don’t think that would be correct.

LAT

[ForeverDad]

I had mentioned to L that I knew my BPDw had past relationships that finished in court with restraining orders. She told me to get as much information as I could so I guess I just assumed that it was permissible. I will ask her.

It would be very unfortunate to not be able to use the info since it all definitely shows a pattern and would support my side of the story when we get to the “he said-she said” ugliness.

In my case the court stopped me from recounting incidents when I got to ones that were beyond six months old at separation time.  That was the point where prior incidents became 'stale' or 'not actionable'.  However, using past incidents to paint a long term pattern of behavior is probably a valid approach and the timing is not as restrictive.

One of the books about BPD is titled, "It's All Your Fault!"  So of course in her perceptions she must make it all someone else's fault.  That's Blame Shifting.  Even a reasonably normal person will of course have a hard time pointing the finger at self for mistakes, no one likes to look bad or admit fault.  Imagine how much harder it is with someone displaying BPD (or other acting out PD) traits, for them the Denial is to an extreme, pathological, if that's the right word.

She’s very shaky in general right now... .I’m worried we won’t make it to May without some extinction explosion of some kind. I’ve thought of contacting her T presently to let her know my concerns but I don’t think that would be correct.

Unless she has given her T permission to discuss her therapy, the T will refrain from speaking unless a danger to you or others is discerned.  However, the T may listen to a heads-up.

[livednlearned]

She’s very shaky in general right now... .I’m worried we won’t make it to May without some extinction explosion of some kind. I’ve thought of contacting her T presently to let her know my concerns but I don’t think that would be correct.

What are you concerned she might do?

What are some of the factors that you think are making her shaky right now? Anything in particular?

[LightAfterTunnel]

What are you concerned she might do?

What are some of the factors that you think are making her shaky right now? Anything in particular?

I’m not sure what she’ll do but when she’s in these extremely vulnerable shaky moments they usually finish badly. In the past I would find ways to calm her by validation and lending a long and forgiving ear. Over time though I’ve refused to validate her when she crosses boundaries. This usually sends her into rages, absences, paranoia, acting out very oddly. She stopped getting physical with me a year ago so I don’t worry about that. She hasn’t threatened suicide or hurting the children for 5 yrs or so. Deep deep down I do worry that at a certain point she will realize that I’m not coming back this time, it’s over, and I think if she snaps enough she might do something horrible like hurt the kids. I think this is just a fear of mine but still it does worry me. I will definitely be taking safety measures and making emergency plans no matter what.

LAT

[ForeverDad]

I’m not sure what she’ll do but when she’s in these extremely vulnerable shaky moments they usually finish badly. In the past I would find ways to calm her by validation and lending a long and forgiving ear. Over time though I’ve refused to validate her when she crosses boundaries. This usually sends her into rages, absences, paranoia, acting out very oddly.

Of course she didn't like new or reinforced boundaries.  The rages, etc that resulted are generally referred to here as Extinction Bursts with the goal to get you to retreat and return to past weak or missing boundaries.  We all faced that to a greater or lesser extent.  The raging may never go away completely but if you stick to your stronger boundaries (1) she may eventually accept them or (2) you'll be more confident in sticking with them.

In a way, that's what divorce is, a boundary that abuse or bad behaviors are no longer allowed.  Yes, it can still happen but it is usually limited.  The Ex feels self is The Authority but in reality the court is The Real Authority, if a somewhat reluctant one.