Looming Cash Flow Crisis-BPD Stonewalling

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi.  My wife w/BPD has begun the process of applying for Social Security Disability SSDI benefits.  She is only able to work part time after several episodes of depression and anxiety.  If she works more than 25 hours each week she would earn too much to be eligible for Social Security.

In 2017 we went through the courts to get a financial separation to protect myself in the event she declares bankruptcy.  She had over 10 ER visits in 2017, some of which were attention seeking.  However, most of the bills she has paid off and doesn't have very much debt right now so declaring bankruptcy doesn't make much sense.

Anyway, we worked up her budget and she is $400 per month short.  She could get a loan against the value of her van, but she refuses to do so.  She does have some money in an IRA but does not want to make an early withdrawal (I agree this would be a bad idea) and she can't borrow against it.  I have offered to loan her the $400 monthly interest free but she refuses, saying it would give me another thing to hold against her.  I can comfortably afford to do this.  The idea is she would pay me back after a Social Security settlement.  If she does not win her case, she would pay it back over the course of 4-5 years.

I did get her to think about what she could do and agree to discuss it with me next Friday.  My fear is that she will do nothing, freak out when a letter comes in the mail or a bankruptcy occurs, and then end up in an inpatient unit (again), causing greater relationship and financial difficulties.  She sometimes has an attitude of---"If I ignore the problem it doesn't exist" when it comes to money.

Please let me know your thoughts.  If my wife refuses to come up with a reasonable plan I will likely have to consult with family, in-laws, lawyers, and pastors about what to do.

[Michael43]

Hi.  My wife w/BPD has begun the process of applying for Social Security Disability SSDI benefits.  She is only able to work part time after several episodes of depression and anxiety.  If she works more than 25 hours each week she would earn too much to be eligible for Social Security.

In 2017 we went through the courts to get a financial separation to protect myself in the event she declares bankruptcy.  She had over 10 ER visits in 2017, some of which were attention seeking.  However, most of the bills she has paid off and doesn't have very much debt right now so declaring bankruptcy doesn't make much sense.

Anyway, we worked up her budget and she is $400 per month short.  She could get a loan against the value of her van, but she refuses to do so.  She does have some money in an IRA but does not want to make an early withdrawal (I agree this would be a bad idea) and she can't borrow against it.  I have offered to loan her the $400 monthly interest free but she refuses, saying it would give me another thing to hold against her.  I can comfortably afford to do this.  The idea is she would pay me back after a Social Security settlement.  If she does not win her case, she would pay it back over the course of 4-5 years.

I did get her to think about what she could do and agree to discuss it with me next Friday.  My fear is that she will do nothing, freak out when a letter comes in the mail or a bankruptcy occurs, and then end up in an inpatient unit (again), causing greater relationship and financial difficulties.  She sometimes has an attitude of---"If I ignore the problem it doesn't exist" when it comes to money.

Please let me know your thoughts.  If my wife refuses to come up with a reasonable plan I will likely have to consult with family, in-laws, lawyers, and pastors about what to do.

[formflier]

Hey man!  It's obvious you care about her and want to help.  A "tough truth" in life is that many times it's better to "encourage" people and "believe in" people than to solve things for them.

Think about your own life.  When did you have the most or "biggest" learning?  Was it when someone "showed you" something or when you did it yourself?

Was it when you did something well or when you "failed" at something?

One of my values and one of the values I encourage others to "do" or "have" is to avoid "insulating" other people from the consequences of their choices.  You experience life... let her experience life. 

On a side note:  I've recently been approved for SSDI.  Was a long process, even with me have a veteran "fast track". 

Does she have a lawyer?  I did. 

I would be happy to kick around SSDI stuff with you if you need to.  Likely best to do that "out here" on the boards since it often comes up. 

A lawyer is very important, I think.  You can work  more than 25 hours per week, but yes "it depends".  How long matters.  I had a couple "failed work attempts" that were more than 25 hours per week.

Let's finish by circling back around.  I'm trying to solve this for her because... .?

FF

[Michael43]

Hi formflier.

She does have a lawyer and we have met with him twice.  We are expecting the SSDI process to take at least 2-3 years.

If my wife were to declare bankruptcy now I would be liable for several thousand dollars of medical debt before our financial separation occurred.  She really does not understand money or financial issues well and needs lots of help.  This is one area where she really does need help understanding the basics of budgeting and cash flow.  I don't find it to be enabling because this is something literally she can not do by herself. She has not learned from her past financial problems.

I want to help her because I see the potential impact on our relationship of this issue, and she is normally passive about financial issues like this.  If she does not figure this out she will not be able to pay for her medicines.  If she is not taking her medicines I will separate households (she has been hospitalized for medical noncompliance before).  I could also see her panicking about this, ending up in the hospital multiple times, and the relationship ending.  I also would like to buy a house in my own name in the next few months and this is keeping me from doing so.  I see this as a potential landmine that she is being oblivious to.

[formflier]

  I don't find it to be enabling because this is something literally she can not do by herself. She has not learned from her past financial problems.
 

Why can't she do it for herself?

Why did she not learn from past financial problems?

How are you proposing to structure your involvement this time to make sure she learns this time?

Or are you assuming she will not learn?  Or is it more accurate to say she has refused to learn?

Trying to get story straight.

FF

[formflier]

If my wife were to declare bankruptcy now I would be liable for several thousand dollars of medical debt before our financial separation occurred.  

 I also would like to buy a house in my own name in the next few months and this is keeping me from doing so.  I see this as a potential landmine that she is being oblivious to.

How exactly would her bankruptcy stick you with this medical debt?  Is it your debt or hers?

What exactly is keeping you from buying a house in your own name?  Have you ever bought a house? 

At first glance... .I'm seeing a lot of unrelated issues being "related"... .but I'm sure there is nuance that I am missing.

FF

[Michael43]

How exactly would her bankruptcy stick you with this medical debt?  Is it your debt or hers?

What exactly is keeping you from buying a house in your own name?  Have you ever bought a house? 

At first glance... .I'm seeing a lot of unrelated issues being "related"... .but I'm sure there is nuance that I am missing.

FF

In my state since her ER visits and hospitalizations fall under the umbrella of "doctrine of necessities" I am liable for her medical debts before the financial separation.  Because I may be liable for this debt it impacts the size of my down payment.  I will still be able to buy a house in my own name.

She did declare bankruptcy before because she did not maintain her health insurance and then her costs skyrocketed.  If she does not take action she will soon lose her ability to pay insurance co-pays, maintain health insurance, and prescription drugs.

As of right now I am ready to give her some time to think about it and allow for natural and logical consequences for her.  Not sure if that means simply her maxing out her cards, losing health insurance, or declaring bankruptcy yet.

[formflier]

Have you discussed the doctrine of necessities with a lawyer that practices in your state or are you reading off the internet?

How big are the bills that you are worried about?

Pragmatism is huge in dealing with BPD are related issues.  Perhaps you could negotiate with the hospital for a reduced payment, offer to split it with your wife... .and then it's all behind you.

Are you hoping she will reform herself and pay it off herself?

FF

[Michael43]

Have you discussed the doctrine of necessities with a lawyer that practices in your state or are you reading off the internet?

How big are the bills that you are worried about?

Pragmatism is huge in dealing with BPD are related issues.  Perhaps you could negotiate with the hospital for a reduced payment, offer to split it with your wife... .and then it's all behind you.

Are you hoping she will reform herself and pay it off herself?

FF

I have discussed with my lawyer about the doctrine of necessities.  It would apply to me in this case.  The bills are only about $5,000 dollars.  One big problem would be if she fails to pay her health insurance premiums & she and my daughter would lose health insurance.

She has at least started looking at options and is contacting some banks and revenue sources.  At least that is a start.  It seems like when it is an imagined crisis she freaks out, but when it is a real issue or crisis caused by her behavior she is in no hurry to take responsibility or solve the problem.

She has at least started looking into balancing her budget, so that's at least a start.