When ex gets triggered

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, haven't been on here in a while. Have been coparenting with my BPD ex for several years. He lives w/his parents, takes our kids (young) on weekends, has gotten pretty stable and sees a therapist. But a few times a year he seems to get triggered for a few days, not sure why. I'm going on a trip in a week and his parents are watching the kids for a few days. The last few nights he's been calling late at night and demanding to talk to them> The first night I woke them up and put them on, which upset them. Didn't do it again. I'm a bit nervous about leaving, but I almost never go anywhere and this is a business trip. I sent an email to our Parent Coordinator to let her know what's happening. Typically though he calms down after 2-4 days, so I just don't know if I should upset the apple cart. Any advice is welcome.

[momtara]

Hi all, haven't been on here in a while. Have been coparenting with my BPD ex for several years. He lives w/his parents, takes our kids (young) on weekends, has gotten pretty stable and sees a therapist. But a few times a year he seems to get triggered for a few days, not sure why. I'm going on a trip in a week and his parents are watching the kids for a few days. The last few nights he's been calling late at night and demanding to talk to them> The first night I woke them up and put them on, which upset them. Didn't do it again. I'm a bit nervous about leaving, but I almost never go anywhere and this is a business trip. I sent an email to our Parent Coordinator to let her know what's happening. Typically though he calms down after 2-4 days, so I just don't know if I should upset the apple cart. Any advice is welcome.

[Nope]

Sounds like certain specific dates have meaning to him, whether he realizes it or not. His sudden need to talk to the kids could be triggered abandonment fears, or he could be irrationally feeling afraid that they are experiencing something he experienced. Either way, it's something he needs to work out.

I know the temptation not to make waves when things have been going reasonably well. But situations with BP people can go off the rails very suddenly. And if there is any chance at all that something could come of this or something could change down the road then it's important to tell the PC. Otherwise if things do go bad and you have to bring it up the first question you'll be asked is "Why didn't you say anything when it happened?"

[Panda39]

Hi Momtara 

My first thought was your trip is triggering him (and that does not mean you shouldn't go, definitely go).  It just sounds like you, your ex and his parents have all had a stable routine going and this trip is something different from the usual routine. 

Do you feel confident your ex's parents can manage the situation?  I agree with Nope I would let the PC know that you are going on a business trip that seems to be triggering your ex.

You could also try some SET and validation too.

Panda39