Divorce attorney's in CT?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

This is my first post so apologies if I break any site etiquette. I've been struggling for years with my wife who has BPD. Also for years I've had counseling on how to try and improve the situation. My therapist (who specialized in BPD) and I think the only thing left is to tell her she needs to seek counseling (either solo or in couples therapy) or the marriage is over.

Does anyone have any good divorce lawyer recommendations in CT? There are kids involved and I'd like to seek an initial consultation or two first.

Many thanks in advance for your help.

Brett

[jkoris]

Hi,

This is my first post so apologies if I break any site etiquette. I've been struggling for years with my wife who has BPD. Also for years I've had counseling on how to try and improve the situation. My therapist (who specialized in BPD) and I think the only thing left is to tell her she needs to seek counseling (either solo or in couples therapy) or the marriage is over.

Does anyone have any good divorce lawyer recommendations in CT? There are kids involved and I'd like to seek an initial consultation or two first.

Many thanks in advance for your help.

Brett

[livednlearned]

Hi jkoris,

Welcome and hello

I'm not familiar with lawyers in CT, but there is a helpful article on the site that might help you when consulting with different attorneys (great strategy to talk to a few, btw). It was written by lawyers for lawyers dealing with cases that involve a personality disorder and can give you an idea of what type of attorney to look for, and how to guide that attorney:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

A lot of the article draws on work by William (Bill) Eddy, who wrote the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse. If you haven't read it yet, Eddy was a social worker before he became a family law attorney, so he recognized the mental illness piece driving the high-conflict custody battles that seem to go with our cases.

You may also want to ask the attorneys you interview with how much experience they have with litigation. Eddy estimates that 80 percent of all family law cases are low-conflict, settled out of court. Of the 20 percent that end up in court (considered high-conflict), he believes most if not all involve a parent with some kind of personality disorder. Most lawyers (and judges) want to keep you out of court, and will assume you and your wife can pull off a low-conflict divorce. Unfortunately, most of us here end up in court at some point or other. Litigation skills are helpful if that's the case.

Sometimes, you can search for "high-conflict divorce" or "parental alienation" to locate attorneys with experience dealing with BPD cases. You could also call the Clerk of Court in your county and ask them if they can share a list of names of attorneys who are ethical, who have good reputations, and who care about the kids.

There's also an Anatomy of a Divorce on the site that might have some useful threads as you gather information:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.msg1331886#msg1331886

You may already know this  but it's wise to not disclose to your wife that you're consulting with family law attorneys. To get the kids through this process relatively intact, it's important to be a few steps ahead, and that advantage disappears to their detriment when the BPD parent starts to engage the legal system.

[Waddams]

how old are the kids?  is somehow disconnecting for self preservation without disconnecting an option?  have you explored it counseling?

i'm not trying to talk you out of divorcing - i think it's a great solution for a non- dealing with a pwBPD, really the best one long term.  but it's also the hardest, the court cases become high conflict, drag out for years, the impacts to the kids are big, and the financial fallout is bad enough that you can pretty much guarantee that you'll be starting over completely from scratch or worse when the divorce is finally done.  figuring out a way to get through until the kids are legally adults, if the kids are old enough that it's close, can be a definite advantage, but you need to be able to disconnect while still parenting in the same house. 

i've seen stories where divorces started while the kids were late teens, and it drug out so much the custody fights just stopped before the divorce was final because all the kids reached legal adult status.  if they are close, waiting can be to your advantage because it simplifies the case and it will take that long to finish it anyway.

[jkoris]

Thanks you both for the kind replies! I will do some more research and soul searching.

[ForeverDad]

My therapist (who specialized in BPD) and I think the only thing left is to tell her she needs to seek counseling (either solo or in couples therapy) or the marriage is over.

This is a Boundary.  Part is on her (start meaningful counseling and part is on you (doing the "or else... .".  Boundaries are a strange animal, we may think they're for the other to comply but really it is then our responsibility to do whatever if the other doesn't.  Here's an example I posted recently.  While it probably doesn't apply specifically, you can grasp the concept... .state the boundary and the consequence if not met.

A boundary sets limits for proper behavior.  Since a person with BPD doesn't want to be limited by boundaries and typically actively fights to smash them, then the boundaries need to be for us.  Example:  You say, ":)on't drink in my home or come intoxicated."  Big whoopee, he can ignore it.  However, you should phrase it better, "If you drink in my home or come intoxicated then you must immediately leave."  Do you see the difference?  You can't stop him from drinking but you can control what then happens, that is, he leaves or the police help him leave.