We have been told to stay away and never be alone with our daughter's children

[PCW]

Our adult daughter (38) has been difficult since birth. Her BPD (which we had no idea about until the last several years) has become increasingly difficult since she got married, 8 years ago and has two children. A boy 4 and a daughter 2. She is an accomplished doctor of naturopathic
medicine and her husband is a nurse. For the past eight years she has "cut us" out of her life, first at her wedding and twice after the birth of her children. She has only allowed us to see her children under her or her husbands supervision. This February we spent a great month with her (not staying with her), she allowed us to take her kids out and babysit without their supervision. After we left she was not in touch for about a week. My husband tried contacting her and finally her husband answered the phone and told him something bad happened when my husband was alone with their son? He would not say what but said "he was in charge and we needed to meet with a third party". My husband was alone with his grandson the entire month for 10 minutes! Since then we have not heard from them. We are devastated. We believe our son in law is partially responsible for her behavior. He told us he had nothing to do with his family until he met our daughter and feels families should not live near each other. They are totally from different cultural backgrounds and he is ashamed of his family. They both have alienated all of his family, except his mother. Our daughter has alienated her sister, other then texting and pictures of her kids once in a while. We have been advised to stay away from them and NEVER be alone with her children. My life has been basically great. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and another wonderful daughter and son-in-law and two grandchildren. I am so depressed and feel nothing will be resolved since our daughter thinks that she is "perfect" and we are narcissistic , bad people. HELP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

   WELCOME  PCW

                What a confusing and heart breaking situation for you and your husband. My head was spinning just thinking about the time line. So long of going without contact, not being able to see the grand kids and then suddenly having a great month... .then back to accusations and no contact. I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling.
                Have you guys done any reading or research about BPD? It can be so devastating for us parents to learn all the in's and out's of how BPD works. My daughter (35) has always been a hand full too, she has Asburgers. I thought for so long I would never be able to understand her. Then just 4 years ago I learned had been diagnoses with BPD. Knowing that changed my whole world. Finding this board has been a life saver. It has helped me learn how to change myself, because my daughter will never be able to change the way she feels. Understanding BPD kicked my butt, I can now say I do understand; and it's my job as the parent to help my daughter cope with the mental illness she has.
                  Keep posting, others are here for you to support and encourage.

[Huat]

Hello PCW.  I join Bluek9 in welcoming you.

After reading your post I fully agree with whomever it was who advised you never to be alone with your grandchildren.  Sadly, the warning flags are up.

I think most of us here, certainly me, recognize your daughter's erratic behaviour... .warm one minute then an about-turn the next.   You no sooner get used to dealing with the current person she is, then broad-sided and scrambling on how to deal with the next.  In reflecting, I really think I have suffered from a form of PTSD.

My heart goes out to you, PCW.  When grandchildren are involved it can rip you apart.  So glad to read that you do have other family, other grandchildren... .but... .always there is that hole in your heart.

You were upset enough to seek out this forum and I hope by participating on/in it you will start to feel a healing of sorts... .an acceptance of the situation that is the reality with your estranged daughter and tools (see to the right |---> to mend and develop the relationship... .albeit, maybe, not the relationship you would like to have with her.

JustYouWait is one of the regulars here and I will quote something she wrote to another Newbie... .

"Welcome here.  It is a fine place for people like us.  In fact, the place is FULL of "us".  We understand.  Come early.  Come often.  Take what you need, and leave what you don't." 

Hope to hear more from you PCW as you document the journey you are taking with your challenging child.  As well as this being a venue where you can let off steam and work on getting  the strength needed to carry on, your posts are important for others to read.

Huat 

[Merlot]

I am blessed with a wonderful husband and another wonderful daughter and son-in-law and two grandchildren. I am so depressed and feel nothing will be resolved since our daughter thinks that she is "perfect" and we are narcissistic , bad people. HELP

Hi PWC

Sadly, I can totally relate to this portion of your post.  I have also been cut out of my DD27's life, including my GD1, whom my husband and I helped nurture for 12 months.  My daughter is busy diagnosing others with NPD, and has told me that I have no empathy (amongst other dreadful/hurtful things).  She has flipped her version of events onto my husband and I; in order to justify her behaviour and reality.

I have felt the depths of despair and am moving through the fog of grief with the wonderful help from parents here and arming myself with information.  I have a wonderful husband and a very loving younger daughter.  I truly ma blessed.

I hope you are doing ok, and can take some time to do some uplifting things for yourself.

Kind regards
Merlot