Passive Aggression just before her birthday

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So sorry you are going thru this!

read your thread, I would listen to what others say, and digest.

I have to pause, or I will get sucked into something that i can't win.

This will get better, you can learn tools, and be surprised how much better things can get!

Hang in there

Oh yeah, and i try not to make any big decisions
When I am upset.  be this to yourself, make sure you have something to look forward to, good things!things you want to do.

It gets better from here.  
j

[juju2]

So sorry you are going thru this!

read your thread, I would listen to what others say, and digest.

I have to pause, or I will get sucked into something that i can't win.

This will get better, you can learn tools, and be surprised how much better things can get!

Hang in there

Oh yeah, and i try not to make any big decisions
When I am upset.  be this to yourself, make sure you have something to look forward to, good things!things you want to do.

It gets better from here.  
j

[Dragon72]

Thanks everyone for your input.

I liked your point about it ought to be contingent on respect.  I am getting NO respect from her at all.  As a father she brushes aside my opinions about what's best for our son, as a husband she makes no effort to be supportive, affectionate or even in the same room as me, and as a source of money, she has the temerity to ask me to pay her back when I've given her all my money and I need some to buy things to fill up the fridge. 

But I'm simply at a loss as to how to handle this issue about money which is obviously a trigger issue with her.

I understand and realise this is a mess that I myself have gotten myself into, even though the situation is being exacerbated by having to deal with someone who sees everything through a prism of paranoia and who is not able to process difficult situations logically without feeling compelled to fight dirty to protect herself. 

But, you're right, it's MY money that I earn, and I am the only source of income in the family, so I should get to decide how and where that money goes.

But how to make sure she gets her fair share?

As a SAHM, she obviously needs money for incidental family expenses: gas for her car, groceries she runs out of, an item of clothing for our boy etc.
She also needs money for her: for a haircut or a new bra or for a coffee with a friend, that sort of thing.

When I have suggested putting money straight into an account just for her, says she doesn't like bank accounts, prefers cash.  Besides, it doesn't make much of a difference, once it's hers, it's hers.

The question remains.  How much should I give her? Partly due to her mind-games, I have no idea anymore what's reasonable and what's not.

[formflier]

But I'm simply at a loss as to how to handle this issue about money which is obviously a trigger issue with her.

 
But, you're right, it's MY money that I earn, and I am the only source of income in the family, so I should get to decide how and where that money goes.

But how to make sure she gets her fair share?

As a SAHM, she obviously needs money for incidental family expenses: gas for her car, groceries she runs out of, an item of clothing for our boy etc.
She also needs money for her: for a haircut or a new bra or for a coffee with a friend, that sort of thing.

When I have suggested putting money straight into an account just for her, says she doesn't like bank accounts, prefers cash.  Besides, it doesn't make much of a difference, once it's hers, it's hers.

The question remains.  How much should I give her? Partly due to her mind-games, I have no idea anymore what's reasonable and what's not.

Dude... .big breath.

YOU don't worry about her money AT ALL.  ZIP ZERO NADA.

Boundaries.

Let her worry about her money.  Money is earned... .respect is earned. 

If she can't "connect the dots" that kindness and respect is a pathway to $$... .THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  Stop solving things for other people.

Let her solve her own stuff. 

Seriously... there is a thread somewhere in history where I left my wife at church... with no money to feed her and the kids.  She was barking orders at me... telling me to give her money... .that it was my "Biblical" responsibility... etc etc. 

I let her know (which she knows before)... .that I don't do threats... .my wallet won't open.  It just won't.

I heard she told some whopper stories about me... .whatever.

My wife now kindly asks for money.  I usually give it to her.

My wife connected the dots.  She may unconnect them in the future... .that's her business.

Dude... big picture... .stop solving other peoples stuff.  ESPECIALLY your wife's stuff.

FF

[Dragon72]

She is an experienced manipulator and I usually fall for it. 

She has the ability to make me feel like I'm heartless and mean in every situation.  She can winkle into the cracks in my armor and have me believe that I am being a lousy husband and father whenever I try to stick to my principles.  I hate feeling like I'm an a-hole, especially when, really, the only rights I am trampling over are my own.  I am a good man and she makes me feel like an a-hole a lot.  Usually when I call her out for being an a-hole.

So now I have two weeks til payday, with only the $25 I convinced her to give me to go to the market, and I haven't been to the market yet.  She has all the rest.
 
And the second of those weeks I'm at home as work is shut.  It's going to be a loong two weeks.

[Cat Familiar]

She is an experienced manipulator and I usually fall for it.  

She has the ability to make me feel like I'm heartless and mean in every situation.  She can winkle into the cracks in my armor and have me believe that I am being a lousy husband and father whenever I try to stick to my principles.  I hate feeling like I'm an a-hole, especially when, really, the only rights I am trampling over are my own.  I am a good man and she makes me feel like an a-hole a lot.  Usually when I call her out for being an a-hole.

Here's the big chink in your armor: YOU CARE WHAT SHE THINKS ABOUT YOU!

That will keep you trapped more than anything. I had to get past all the triggers I had (being called selfish, unkind, uncaring, thoughtless, self absorbed, unfair... .etc.)

Go back to the Inside and Outside observer point of view. I heard those criticisms which previously wounded me to the core and I asked myself if that is what an outsider to this situation would think.

OK, perhaps sometimes I'm too wrapped up in myself. Who isn't? But really, I know that I usually can be counted on to be a kind, fair person. And I sure as hell don't think that a pwBPD is a fair judge of character when they're dysregulating.

So I had to get over feeling bad about myself, just as a strategic measure. How can I be effective if I'm joining in the Cat Critical Party? Nope. He is welcome to his opinion and I'll certainly hear him out, as long as it's not abusive. Perhaps I'll even agree that I could have been more thoughtful, or whatever. But no longer do I feel bad about myself. Sure, there's always room for improvement and more awareness, but anyone who is trying to make me feel bad about myself has an agenda. And I'm not gonna help them in that regard.  

[formflier]

She has the ability to make me feel like I'm heartless and mean in every situation.  

Agree with her and move on.

Once the "you are an a$$hole" thing doesn't work... .the dynamic will change.

Remember this... .remember how it feels to have her take YOUR money and shame you to get it back. 

No rules... .don't worry... .if she asks why... .tell her... ."That doesn't work for me... .I won't be doing that anymore... "

She will flip out... .life will go on.

Dude... she was jacking you up to not give back something you just gave to her... .remember that... .forever....

FF

[Dragon72]

So I'm home now. She and our son are not here.  She left her car key and all the cash I gave her on payday very deliberately out so I would see that she does not have those things.

I have no idea when she'll be back. Part of the mind games.

[GaGrl]

OK, weighing in here on the financials.

My DH is a financial advisor (after an Army Infantry career, so you'd think he would have figured out boundaries with his uNPD/BPD ex-wife, but no... .). Anyway, DH almost always advises a his/hers/ours arrangement for accounts. "Ours" is for household expenses. If her account is a personal allowance, then fine - that is what she manages for herself. If it isn't enough, she can get a job (gasp!).

Who pays the mortgage/rent and the utilities? You? Put the funding for those bills into the household/joint account, and take turns paying the bills. Then you both know 100% what it takes to run the household.

Do you have a budget based on accepted percentages of income for various expenses? Do you know what is typical for a family of 3 to spend on housing, utilities, food, clothing, transportation? Does SHE know and agree?

Only with a checking account will you be able to track your monthly financial activity. And see when she pulls $200 out of the account for unspecified expenses. Several couples we know have an agreement to tell the other when they spend more than $100... .no permission required, it's just the courtesy of informing the other and staying transparent about money.

You could establish some great boundaries just by instituting a budget with tracking capability. This handing over cash with no accounting mechanism is for the birds!

[formflier]

So I'm home now. She and our son are not here.  She left her car key and all the cash I gave her on payday very deliberately out so I would see that she does not have those things.

I have no idea when she'll be back. Part of the mind games.

Take the cash that is laying out... and make sure it is deposited in your account.  Sure... .leave some in your pocket and perhaps a few bucks at the house for her.

How much are we talking?  100 or 200?

Perhaps leave her a note.

"Hey babe... .since this financial period is especially tight, I've placed x amount of cash in our account for safekeeping.  We're going to need to be proactive on our joint spending decisions."

Leave it at that.

FF

[formflier]

 This handing over cash with no accounting mechanism is for the birds!

And... .if she doesn't want to be accountable to you... .she can also get a job.

Money you earn is accountable by YOUR VALUES.

Money she earns is accountable her HER VALUES.

Boundaries!

FF

[GaGrl]

Dragon72, you are working within a values framework that assumes she holds the same values. Primarily, you believe that marriage is a partnership and that you and your wife have a shared priority of Marriage and Family.

This does not appear to be the case right now.

So until you can see your wife demonstrate that the Marriage and Family are indeed a priority, you can shake off the DOG and put some boundaries in place.

Read "extinction burst" in preparation.

[Dragon72]

Well there's definitely some bursting going on.

Did I mention she left her wedding ring in the pile of cash along side the car keys?

I've left the house again now and I took all the money except for about $50.  If she needs more, she can ask me nicely and I'll think about it.

[formflier]

Did you leave a note?  What did it say?

I would make sure the note only talks about concern for cash left out and tight finances.

I'm assuming this is really odd... like this has never been left out before... right?

FF

[Dragon72]

No, I didn't leave a note.

It's not the first time that we have had an argument about money and she's ended up trying to hand back all of her cash in a dramatic sour grapes way.

It's the first time she has made an obvious gesture about the car by leaving the keys so evidently for me to take along with the money.  She is by far the main driver of the car and it was bought new at her request a year an a half ago and which is one of the reasons money has been so tight lately as the payments cost me over a quarter of my take-home pay every month.  She actually has a car of her own which now never gets driven as it is not as nice as the new one and is not, under the strict anti-pollution laws in this city, allowed to run on the streets on Mondays.

It's the first time she has left her wedding ring. 

[formflier]

Remember... .stay big picture.

Your job is to stay between her and "neutral".  So if she is sending you "bad" signals... .agree with her... .but be calmer.

You know... you know when you actually see her that she is going to freak... .so. stay chill... .acknowledge the push signal.

"I'm going to leave you forever... blah blah blah"

you "We obviously need space" or "I agree... this is unpleasant"

get the drift?

Let's get through a day or two... we'll talk more about cars.  But in general... she gives stuff back... take it.  no drama... take her at her word.

FF

[Dragon72]

I find it very difficult to remain calm in these situation.  Today for example, she was calmer than I.  She very calmly engaged in the argument taking every opportunity to metaphorically knock me off balance and counter my comments on her poor behaviour with counter-attacks.

She knows how to push my buttons.  That's how I ended up, having started on the moral high ground, saying curse words and running away.

[formflier]

 
You're going to have to find a way to relax... .and disengage before you need to curse.  Own it... .say you need 10 minutes.

FF

[Red5]

You're going to have to find a way to relax... .and disengage before you need to curse.  Own it... .say you need 10 minutes.

FF

Dragon72, I hear you... .and formflier is correct, disengage before you go”broken arrow”.

Here I sit on the couch with the stray chow mix dog thinking about what happened in my grid square today... .started out ok, up early, made coffee, going to start getting ready for church, woke up my son, a slow and easy going Sunday morning considering the last week with bells, timed showers, and peanut eating crimes committed... .but I let down my guard for a second and was not watching the radar, and the next thing I know the Japanese (BPD) is bombing my peaceful Pearl Harbor on a relaxing Sunday morning... .well she pushed my buttons just right once more, and I too let out a couple of “F” bombs as I was pretty pisssd about my Sunday morning coffee time being bombed and straffed by my u/BPDw’s never ending campaign of mayhem and chaos... .I did make it to services with my son little late so we had to sit in the balcony in hypocrites row... .damage was done, “F” bomb usage now well and permanently documented in the BPD punishment log to be used at a later date... .yes, disengage at all cost, I completely understand that we get so worn down, and stressed out that when our endurance is at its end, and the slights just keep coming that we do give a little back... .but it’s always at a price later on, I hope things improve for you in the next forty eight hours, we are all here listening Dragon72,

Red5   

[Dragon72]

I'm home now. It's 9pm. My wife and son haven't been back while I was out and it looks like they'll be spending the night somewhere else, most probably with one of her nearby siblings.
I miss my son already.

[formflier]

 
OK... .has she ever done this before?

Does she have cell phone... .has she texted at all where she will be?

As in... .has she ever run off with your kid and said nothing... left all her stuff.

Is she driving her old car?

The reason I am asking is you should stay out of overthinking.  Stay out of BPDland.

If a normal person isn't at home when they say they are... it's normal to reach out.

A text:  "Hey... you ok?  I don't remember you mentioning being somewhere else tonight?"  (you own the possible miscommunication)

FF

[Dragon72]

She has done this before in the daytime, never overnight.

I texted her an hour ago asking if they're OK. No reply.

 Neither car has been taken. Her brother live 10 minutes walk away. Or she could have gone elsewhere on public transport.

[formflier]

 
It's reasonable to reach out.  Do you have cell phone for brother?

Are you guys close?

Overnight is a big deal... .with no coordination.  That is horrible... the things you could be thinking and worrying about.

I would call the cell phone.  Leave a neutral message... .saw you weren't at home and I'm concerned.   Please contact me.

FF

[Dragon72]

I have a good relationship with my BiL and I texted him asking if they are with him, if he knows they are safe. No reply.

[formflier]

I have a good relationship with my BiL and I texted him asking if they are with him, if he knows they are safe. No reply.

OK... .it would appear you didn't find them and people that would normally respond... are not. 

Correct?... .BIL would normally respond to you?

Listen man... .you know some BPD crazy a$$ stuff is coming.  It's going to help you to "find" some authentic emotions you can stick with.

I would suggest surprise and befuddlement  (do what?)  (help me understand)... .

don't answer crazy... .get them to reflect on or clarify the question... .let them know you will consider it and get back to them.

Be authentic... .slow things down.

FF

[JoeBPD81]

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