How to convert enabling to supporting with BPD SO w/children

[Woodchuck]

I have been doing a good bit of reading and have been able to identify myself as an enabler (both for my uBPD W but also for my children).  I know this is really something that I need to work on.  I guess where I get confused is how to go about this with children in the picture as the consequences will ultimately be felt by them.  Below are two examples where it seems kind of like a lose/lose no matter what.
My W is working on teaching my daughter but hates teaching a certain subject.  I attempt to be supportive by taking on teaching that subject.  This is really enabling as it is my W that has chosen to homeschool and put herself in that position.  However, if I don't take over the subject, my daughter suffers the effects of my W hating teaching the subject.  My daughter does not deserve that.  She deserves a healthy learning environment.  I am not sure how to provide that without being an enabler. 

My W does not enjoy fixing meals and a good bit of the time does not fix dinner.  Until recently, she has been a fulltime homemaker.  I would come home 3-4 times a week and she would be asleep on the couch and I would ask her if she had plans for dinner.  She would reply that she did not.  That leaves me two options, let the kids fix their own meals (they are pre and early teens) or go and fix a meal for everyone.  I feel that this is enabling as well due to the fact that I am taking on another responsibility that should typically be hers with the role that she has chosen to take.  That being said, I have no problem fixing meals, in fact I enjoy being in the kitchen.  After being at work for 12 hours though, I am typically pretty tired when I get home.  The combination of finding her asleep and not planning anything for the evening meal is extremely frustrating.  I want to be supportive and help out but I also feel like there should be a more or less fair split in responsibilities and I feel like we are far from that even though she claims she does 'everything'.  How do I show support and not enable but at the same time take care of the children and demonstrate to them the proper way to act?

[Cat Familiar]

You see yourself as an enabler, yet if you don’t do some of the behaviors you consider enabling, there will be unpleasant consequences for your children to bear.

I’m not sure I would call teaching your daughter something your wife is neglecting, enabling, but I can see you feel that you’re picking up your wife’s slack. And you are.

Likewise with no dinner preparations. Can you engage the kids to help you? It can be a good learning experience for them and fun as a family activity and your wife may even pitch in if she sees you all doing it together.

[Woodchuck]

You see yourself as an enabler, yet if you don’t do some of the behaviors you consider enabling, there will be unpleasant consequences for your children to bear.

I’m not sure I would call teaching your daughter something your wife is neglecting, enabling, but I can see you feel that you’re picking up your wife’s slack. And you are.

Likewise with no dinner preparations. Can you engage the kids to help you? It can be a good learning experience for them and fun as a family activity and your wife may even pitch in if she sees you all doing it together.

Cat -
I may have not done the best at describing the schooling issue.  I wouldn't say that my W has been neglectful.  She has communicated how she really does not like teaching certain subjects.  I have not been invalidating of the way that she feels but I have not been verbally validating either.  Instead, I have chosen to take on the subject that she does not enjoy.  I guess I see this as enabling in part because it is not allowing her to 'fail' with regards to homeschooling.  By fail, I mean having the feeling of it being too much for her.  I also see it as enabling because it is just one more thing that she does not like doing that I try to do for her due to the fact that she doesn't like doing it. 

Regarding the meals, I have included the kids in helping with meal prep and we usually have a great time.  This tends to be somewhat counter productive as my W sees me being what she calls the 'fun parent' and attacking me for that.  I guess I see it somewhat as enabling as she has chosen to take on the role of homemaker but finds virtually no joy and I enable her to continue by trying to rescue her.  I don't know how accurate that really is.

[Cat Familiar]

So be the fun parent! That’s her problem, not yours!

What other ways are you enabling her that if you quit doing it, no one else would be the worse off?

You can see that despite your best efforts, your wife’s attitude isn’t improving and she still undoubtedly feels like she “does everything.”

That’s outside of your control. So what? You know how much you contribute. It’s not your job to get her to acknowledge that. We know how pwBPD can distort reality.

It comes down to Feelings = Facts and no amount of persuasion from us can change that that calculus.

[Notwendy]

This is how I see it from the point of view of a child of a BPD mom and enabling dad, and an enabling mother myself.

When it involves the children- do what needs to be done for their best interests.

Most likely you are engaging in multiple enabling behaviors. Many of them involve the two of you. It’s not easy to stop all enabling behaviors at once. Choose from the ones that don’t involve the children’s needs.

My BPD mother didn’t work outside the home or do domestic tasks. My father didn’t cook much but he took us out to eat a lot. He took us places on weekends - wonderful adventures like the zoo, park, museums. We were not homeschooled but he helped us with homework.
As a mother- if my kids needed something - I did it.

As a result of the love, time spent, parenting on the  part of my father I felt very bonded to him. I consider him to be my parent. I don’t feel that bond with my mother. I attribute my well being as a child and adult to his parenting. Later in his elder years - BPD Mom interfered with my relationship with him, but he was a good Dad to me. ( he is deceased now )

It’s tough to have a BPD mother. Thank goodness I had a Daddy.

Be a Daddy.