Probably the end game

[ortac77]

Hi

I have started a new thread as things are moving on between my pwBPD and myself. We have been together for 13 years and to put it simply as a result of therapy, improving self care and working through my co-dependent issues - I have changed. He has not and a lot of the tough times at home now are a result of his testing and trying to break down the boundaries I am sticking to.

Although he started DBT last year his attendance faltered since the start of 2018 and things have been difficult so far this year. I started to look at his behaviours towards me and it really came down to these factors:

1.He does not work or do anything constructive, he is on disability benefits which are adequate but not great. He does not spend money wisely therefore I have often subbed him out over the years. This has now stopped I am no longer the 'bank or overdraft facility'.

2. He has alienated himself from his family and mine, he now has no friends and this only leaves me as his 'trigger'.

3. He is permanently angry with the world, god, the universe and every other human being.

4. He is emotionally withdrawn and has 'no feelings' about me or anyone.

5. His quality of life is entirely determined by external locus of control, the perennial victim with no responsibility.


Having taken a long step back this seems to be where the illness of BPD leads until and unless intensive treatment is achieved. For my part after much soul searching and working through therapy I must conclude that the only way i can deal with this is to focus on me.

1. I continue to work and enjoy my career until I retire next year and I put in place ideas and plans for my retirement - these plans must be for me.

2. I maintain relationships with family and friends and I have now explained to them the nature of my relationship and be honest with them about how things have been

3. I do not blame him (he is ill) I do not blame anyone, I have learnt a lot over the years and will continue to tackle and work through the how and why I endured this type of relationship.

4. I continue to 'care' about him with the recognition that only he can change if he wants to, I have withdrawn from 'enabling'.

5. I am not a victim, any unpleasant comments to me are merely projections - I work on getting to know myself better and acknowledge that self improvement is for me. I have started to work on the things I enjoy and spending more time with friends and people who bring me joy.



So we are living under the same roof (my home) for the moment. I have suggested that it is best that he moves out - I do not want to see him homeless on the streets. I suspect that the next couple of months are not going to prove easy but I no longer have any fantasy or belief that this rs is right for either of us. In the meantime whilst not wanting to be 'hard' I do need to be consistent and not weaken.

In peace

[Lucky Jim]

Hey oratac77, I'm sorry to hear that things are winding down in your r/s, yet I admire your commitment to yourself.  You seem to be making great strides in terms of figuring out the path that is right for you.  Keep up the good work!

LuckyJim

[ortac77]

Hi LuckyJim
Thanks for your supportive comments - today I have endured constant attempts to goad me into an argument punctuated by pleas for help as he is so damaged.
It’s exhausting and why this has to end, - compassion really is out of stock now - I have come out for the evening as I need to get a break. How many tones do you have to say get support from your therapist but then I must assume she is not saying what he wants to hear.

[Lucky Jim]

How many tones do you have to say get support from your therapist but then I must assume she is not saying what he wants to hear.

Hello again, ortac77,

Agree, his T probably isn't saying what he wants to hear, but that's not your problem.

Suggest you be careful about goading and guilt-trips.  Usually they are just attempts to get you engaged one way or another.  To the extent you can remain above the fray is great progress.  My BPDxW was a specialist at "crying wolf," but eventually I declined to react anymore.  That's what happens: one's compassion gets depleted.  I think you are on the right track.

LJ

[Lalathegreat]

I’m just popping up to say that I’m proud of you. You sound clear headed, calm, and self focused. I agree absolutely that only he can change himself, you are taking steps for your own healthy future.

Bravo!

Lala

[Dragon72]

It sounds like you have a great attitude.  You're compassionate about him, but also recognizing that you need to look out for your own wellbeing too.
Keep holding those boundaries!
I want some of that attitude.

 

[Waveney]

I echo Dragon72 and everyone else. I really admire your compassion and ability to calmly focus on yourself and your future. That is amazingly strong. Thank you for sharing such a clear-headed approach.

[ortac77]

Interesting series of emails whilst I have been away working all along the lines of "I hate being in conflict with you, can we try and be kinder, I know I need to re-engage with my therapy and work harder on it"

OK - for now I have just responded that we can talk about this when I get home Tuesday. Not clear yet on whether this is genuine or not so I will keep an open mind and see how the land lies, it may be positive and just maybe my detaching over the last few weeks and sticking to my boundaries is having a positive effect or maybe it is just part of a cycle and he is coming out of dysregulating?

The good thing is I feel good about myself and positive however this works out

In Peace

[RolandOfEld]

Hey ortac77, let me first join everyone in saying that I am deeply impressed by the work you have done. You are a great role model for me in terms of what I'm trying to accomplish.

Interesting series of emails whilst I have been away working all along the lines of "I hate being in conflict with you, can we try and be kinder, I know I need to re-engage with my therapy and work harder on it"

Just noting that I got an extremely similar message from my wife after she hit me in the face the other week. It was followed by a faked visit to the hospital to guilt me. Didn't stop me from reporting it to the police.

Do you think he's sincere about this or trying to avoid the consequences of his actions like my wife? It sounds like you have already been extremely kind by not kicking him out. Not saying you shouldn't engage with this positive overture on his part, but might be best to stay aware as to where he's trying to manipulate his way out of taking responsibility for himself.

~ROE

[ortac77]

Well we have had some dialogue and maybe there is some effort to be seen on his part but I still don't get the positive vibe that he is really committed to working on the therapy?

Ok taking things slowly but I have stated clearly that whilst it is his choice I am not going back to where we were nor can I accept any more upsetting or unsettling behaviours and that I will say what I find acceptable and what I don't - not saying how he should live his life but I am going to live mine by my own values. I don't think he can really understand that being 'for me' does not mean 'against him'.

I will give him some time to work things through and continue with my plans - it still does not feel like much of a relationship though... .

[ortac77]

just to add to my last I took the opportunity to say that whilst I do not want conflict that the 'unconditional love' that he keeps asking for does not include my accepting unacceptable behaviours. One of those being the nasty texts he sent to my family, I pointed out that the consequence of that was not the effect that it had in my family (they can deal with their own feelings) but the effect that it had on me and that as a consequence I have lost trust in him.

To be continued no doubt ... .

[ortac77]

and indeed I am now being treated to the ST and he has stayed in his bed for 48 hours and does not intend to get up or eat. So be it - I am off to meet some old friends tomorrow and off to the heritage railway on Sunday.

I wonder how long it will take for hi to work out that his manipulative behaviours just don't cut the ice anymore?

in Peace

[DaddyBear77]

So be it - I am off to meet some old friends tomorrow and off to the heritage railway on Sunday.

THIS is a great attitude, ortac77 - kudos. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed your friends today and enjoy your trip to the railway tomorrow!

I wonder how long it will take for hi to work out that his manipulative behaviours just don't cut the ice anymore?

A lifetime of coping mechanisms and unhealthy behaviors doesn't stop suddenly. In my experience, he'll be "through" with you long before he's through with his behaviors. That's why we never talk about being able to change our pwBPD, and we stay laser focused on ways to help ourselves.

the 'unconditional love' that he keeps asking for does not include my accepting unacceptable behaviours.

... .and "loving" someone never has to mean loving all the things they do, and it ESPECIALLY doesn't mean loving that they hurt us.

It seems like you're really digging out of this ortac77 - hang in there. It won't be easy, but being dedicated to a happier, healthier you will lead to great things!

~DB

[ortac77]

Hi DB
I did have a great time yesterday - having just read your latest update it seems to parallel- reconnecting coupled with therapy and the support from these boards has led me to a different place. Whatever happens from here and learning from past mistakes my life is moving forward and in a positive way and I am pleased to see yours doing the same.

In peace

[Lucky Jim]

... .and "loving" someone never has to mean loving all the things they do, and it ESPECIALLY doesn't mean loving that they hurt us.

DaddyBear77:  Right, contrary to my BPDxW, I don't subscribe to a definition of love that allows one partner to abuse another.

ortac77:  Keep up the good work!  You making great strides.

LJ