We have a couple weeks until some big changes come along

[PeteWitsend]

I kinda disappeared for a while.  things were generally better over the last month.  nothing ground breaking, beyond the usual BPD excesses, but no multi-day stuff.

I kept meaning to post and stay engaged, but work has also been crazy, so I've been pretty unable to do much.

hope all is going... .okay... .average... .etc. for everyone.

looks like things have generally been slow on the board (not to downplay those who have been struggling over the last month), which I guess is a sign of the post-holiday calm.  

[PeteWitsend]

We have a couple weeks until some big changes come along... .we're going abroad to visit wife's family, and my MIL is coming back with us. 

I know from earlier discussions here, folks have expressed concern over this... .namely that having  my MIL in our house is just pouring fuel on a fire.  I'm staying... .wary. 

[mama-wolf]

Hi Pete, and welcome back!

Glad you have checked in... .it's good to remember that this community is out here for whenever we need it.  Definitely sounds like you have some potential challenges coming up.  What are you doing to mentally prepare yourself and manage the stressors that it could bring?  Do you get along with your MIL?

mw

[Red5]

Hello Pete!

I echo mama-wolf here, and also thank you for checking in,

I can relate with you, when things are a bit “normal”, we may forget for a moment; while in the “comfort zone”.

Sounds like you have some big travel coming soon, is this intercontinental travel, or in the same hemisphere travel?

Sounds challenging!

I have to say, that even the thought of long range missions with my u/BPDw does give me a moment of caution, and rightfully so as per past experiences with her on "travel"... .as if when things go (and they inevitably do)... .go a little “south”, then you are far away from home base, and any available (contingency) assets to contend with anything that may transpire are not handy and readily available for you, you may indeed be trapped, and in such close quarters, that is not a good thing to have to deal with.

NOT fun  

I am like you, I can only come here when I am away from u/BPDw, as she does keep very close tabs on my internet usage, practicing  “opsec” , and information removal does get tiresome, and there is always the risk that she (w) may see something I have written about, or read about, on a certain device, or devices... .then it would be “woe be tide” for me (chuckle ).

Over time, I have come much better at removing "history" caches from our several (myriad)devices used for social media.

Anyways, best of luck Pete!, God speed to you and yours, and hope it all comes out ok for you and your family on your journey,

We’ll be here listening!

Red5

[mama-wolf]

practicing  “opsec” , and information removal does get tiresome, and there is always the risk that she (w) may see something I have written about, or read about, on a certain device, or devices ... .then it would be “woe be tide” for me (chuckle ).

Red5, this has become a concern of mine recently.  Once I started posting on here regularly, I started setting notifications so I would know if someone replied to a post of interest.  It helped me stop (well, slow down) checking the boards obsessively for more info and responses.  Now I realize that uBPDw could see the email notification pop up on my phone/iPad and it wouldn't take her long to figure out what bpdfamily is.  She also uses my iPad sometimes for music at the house, and I started keeping it with me more to prevent her from opening a tab with the board on it.  I don't like the idea of having to close, delete, and hide this stuff, but it really would get very ugly if she 1) had any idea I have started to recognize her behaviors for what they are (diagnosis or not, and whether or not she has accepted them as being so), and 2) read any of the stuff I have shared with the group in the interest of gaining support that is critical for my own mental and emotional well-being.

[Red5]

Red5, this has become a concern of mine recently.  Once I started posting on here regularly, I started setting notifications so I would know if someone replied to a post of interest. 

I don't like the idea of having to close, delete, and hide this stuff,

Yes mama-wolf,

Very important to be aware of your electronic paths & and foot prints through the internet, that may lead back here.

*search histories
*saved passwords
*cookies
*favorites
*"suggested websites"
*notifications on smart phones & email
*"liking" on facebook pages

Anything that can be a trail that can/could be followed by your sig-other, resultant in a confrontational event, not good ; (

All key strokes must be scrubbed every time, unless you are own your own device('s), that is yours an only yours.

A "secured line" as we used to say.

It is very perplexing that such lengths must be gone to, in order to avoid calamity with our sig-other pw/BPD, but I guess it is what it is,

Thank goodness for this website, I have learnt so much here, and it has been extremely beneficial to me over the past fifteen months.

Red5

[PeteWitsend]

yeah, I think I've posted about cell phone & internet practices generally before. those have been standard practice for me for a while.

private mode. access this site in private mode.

register account with anonymous email.

Silent mode. Always keep phone on silent when around her.  if she hears a bunch of dings, I get "who's texting you?  why are you afraid to check?" and potential abuse if the texts are from a friend or family member she doesn't like.

Turn off site notifications. No email notifications, reminders, etc.

Turn off phone notifications.  no pop ups for texts, etc. The only one I leave visible is incoming calls

phone password locked.  wife lost her access privileges a long time ago.


It definitely leads to more hassle/less convenience.  But hey, when dealing with BPD, that's par for the course.  and given the costs of discovery (days of dysregulation, accusations, fights, etc.), the inconvience is worth it.

[PeteWitsend]

Hi Pete, and welcome back!

Glad you have checked in... .it's good to remember that this community is out here for whenever we need it.  Definitely sounds like you have some potential challenges coming up.  What are you doing to mentally prepare yourself and manage the stressors that it could bring?  Do you get along with your MIL?

mw

to answer your question: my MIL doesn't speak English and I don't speak her language so as far as us getting along... .it's not clear.  she's generally been nice to me when I meet her in person. 

she caused problems early in our marriage by constantly telling my wife I must be cheating because I wasn't home early from work.  i usually worked until 6, and had a long commute, and my wife knew this.  when exactly was I cheating?

eventually (according to my wife) she confronted her mom and she stopped.

My wife has been nasty to my own mom for a long time, and defended her behavior by claiming her mom has never said anything negative about me.  When I brought up the baseless accusations of infidelity, wife downplayed it, and I suspect stopped telling me about any of my MIL's complaints about me, lest I use them against her.

I have some concerns that as soon as my MIL gets here, & the "honeymoon period" wears off, my MIL is going to be demanding and cause drama.  There have already been some rumblings of this, as she sent my wife a list of things she "needs" when she gets here that included a smart phone & service, a car, her own space to do makeup, etc.  Wife also seems pushing for her mom to be our "nanny & housekeeper" and seems convinced this will all work out perfectly.  But her mom hasn't driven a car in years, doesn't speak English and hasn't passed a driving test.  to let her just put our kids in a car and go doesn't seem wise to me. 

Also, given some of the heated mother-daughter moments I witnessed the last time we were there, and my MIL complaining about requests to watch our son while we went out (this was only on a couple occasions), I have strong doubts she's going to come here and be Mary Poppins all of the sudden. 

I've seen evidence my wife is not completely honest when it comes to her parents; I presume she is embarassed or resentful that they are expecting to (and do) sponge off us already, esp. my FIL.  When I bring up concerns over their demands and inconsistencies in their stories, She's quick to start attacking my family to deflect from this. 

So we never really had an open and frank discussion about expectations, or at least one that didn't change over time. 

[PeteWitsend]

In a slightly related note, I've noticed lately that my wife has gone out of her way to throw away gifts my mom got for our kids. 

she'll often do it in a way that I'll notice.  Like for example she told me "I reorganized the kids room" and when I go look, I see the travel globe my mom got the kids is nowhere to be found.

I don't say anything, not ready for a fight at that moment and knowing if I ask "what happened to X?" she'll escalate into a long rant about how my mom only buys "cheap" gifts (not true) and quickly go off the rails into general complaints about things my mom did and said 3, 4, 5 years ago.

She'll notice that I notice it's gone and start prying "Is something wrong?  are you upset by something?"

1) WHAT. THE. H? I don't understand throwing things away to pick a fight... .I haven't brought up my mom to her, she's not coming for a visit, she hasn't visited in months... .why just drop a bomb like that?

2) I feel some major dysregulation coming on. we're leaving on our trip soon, and on top of that, it's her "monthly time" which I've learned to dread and brace for because things can go from loving to enraged in an instant. 

Time to reassure myself that someone's got to always be the adult, and (if we stay married) I only have to endure another 40-42 years or so of this, given the current avg. American life expectancy... .

[Red5]

Time to reassure myself that someone's got to always be the adult, and (if we stay married) I only have to endure another 40-42 years or so of this, given the current avg. American life expectancy... .

Pete, I read this the other day, thought I’d share;

Skip wrote this back in 2007;

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it. 

~ Maintaining routine and structure

~ Setting and maintain boundaries

~ Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times

~ Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

~ In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

~ Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

~ Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time.

Thoughts?

Red5

[PeteWitsend]

Thanks, Red.  

That's helpful.  Yeah, it's a lifelong committment... .and it's exhausting.

at times like this, I really look at the situation and wonder what I get out of it.  it certainly isn't any appreciation.  Love and affection... .yes, provided I toe the line and deliver everything she's asked for recently.  but it's still love and affection with strings attached.  and she still -STILL - will drop threats about "finding another man" when she feels I don't provide enough love/affection/money/etc. at that moment.

I'm really only still doing it for the kids.  If we hadn't had them so early in our marriage, I would've bailed.  I can't imagine not being able to see them on a daily basis. 

She asked a couple weeks ago if I loved her.  it was out of the blue during an otherwise good period, and honestly I was mad she would just drop a question like that on me.  I would have to qualify it... ."I'm trying but you make it hard."

 do I care for her? yes.  :)o I want her to be healthy and have a good life?  yes.  Am I happy being married to her?  no.  Why?  honestly it's constant low-level negativity, punctuated with random screaming matches. 

each fight, each screaming match, each wild baseless accusation... .they all just add to a growing pile of resentment.  I try, but I don't ever really get over them, as soon as it starts again, I remember all the anger and resentment, names she called me, demands, etc. and I come right back to thoughts of divorce as the only option. 

[Red5]

Yeah, it's a lifelong committment... .and it's exhausting.

... .at times like this, I really look at the situation and wonder what I get out of it.

She asked a couple weeks ago if I loved her.  it was out of the blue during an otherwise good period, and honestly I was mad she would just drop a question like that on me.  I would have to qualify it... ."I'm trying but you make it hard."

... .do I care for her? yes.  :)o I want her to be healthy and have a good life?  yes.  Am I happy being married to her?  no.  Why?  honestly it's constant low-level negativity, punctuated with random screaming matches. 

... .each fight, each screaming match, each wild baseless accusation... .they all just add to a growing pile of resentment.  I try, but I don't ever really get over them, as soon as it starts again, I remember all the anger and resentment, names she called me, demands, etc. and I come right back to thoughts of divorce as the only option. 

Pete, I am also along the same lines as your above comments in my own marriage.

So much has been taken away, eroded... .and it has reached a point that it will now never “grow back” for me.

I also now harbor a lot of resentment, pent up resentment at the way my own wife treats me.

I think I actually used to be a lot stronger and I could take a lot of her trash onboard, and still breath, but as in another post, something has broken inside my heart... .

You said “I am trying but you are making it hard”,

My wife’s “nasty behavior” reached a very high pitch this last week, she was using her new Jeep that I bought for her last year as an instrument of anger... .she almost took me out in the driveway... .that was a red line sobering moment for me, and it did not stop there, what an awful day, and her rage is continuing in silence even tonight, and I am on the opposite coast than her tonight.

To be quite honest, I am rapidly losing my own desire to continue, and meantime my own inner anger towards her is growing, ie’ resentmemt.

This growing resentment is only bolstered and increased with each new incident that she perpetrates upon me, each stupid baseless aurgumemt, each new slight and each new cut makes this tumor of resentment grow a little more inside my heart of hearts.

Cat asked me the other day on another post... .do you want to continue for another five years... .ten or even twenty more years... .the answer to that question this evening is no... .no I do not.

Sad to even say that,  Red5